Do you ever feel like nothing is ever going to change in your life, so what’s the point in even trying? Sometimes I get that way, especially after I have been sick for a while. I feel this physically, such as watching the child spill applesauce and the dogs track in mud on the floor that I just mopped. I think to myself, “Why did I even bother? Maybe we should just live on a dirt floor and be done with it.”
I feel that way sometimes when it comes to overcoming my eating disorder (binge eating). Before I got sick, I had exercised every day for nine days. I was eating healthier. My clothes were getting looser, and the pounds were dropping off. Since I have been sick, I cannot exercise (still don’t have my energy back) and have gained a few pounds back. So, I ask myself why I even bothered trying to change the size of my body when roadblocks always seem to get in my way.
I felt that way as I dropped off to sleep last night. I asked myself why I even bother putting so much energy into trying to change the course of my life when I just wind up right back where I started. What is the point of trying so hard when some invisible force continues to move me back to square one?
Then, it hit me that I have made many permanent changes in my life, and I am just being unrealistic in wanting to change them all at once. What helped was contrasting my life with my sister’s life. (I mean no disrespect to my sister. I just needed a visual to help me see how far I have come.)
If my sister and I had made no changes, our children would be abused themselves. Both of my parents were abused as children (my mother to a larger degree than my father). My mother continued the abuse, and my father failed to stop it, so that family tradition passed along to another generation. However, neither my son nor my nephews have any idea what it is like to experience child abuse, and I am so grateful for that. No matter what else my sister and I have or have not managed to change, that family legacy stopped with us, and we need to be proud of this.
There are areas that I have changed that my sister has not, and I need to recognize and applaud myself for those changes as well. For example, my parents were both social outcasts with no concept of how to interact with society. My father could turn on the charm to get something out of someone, but he didn’t have the first clue about what an emotionally intimate connection with another person was. My mother did not know how to interact with others without offering up her children as the main course. Clearly, my sister and I learned few positive social skills from either of my parents.
My sister and I grew up as social outcasts. I was the nerd, and she was the freak. Her children are also social outcasts. They are nice enough boys, but they don’t know how to interact with their peers and come across as “odd.” The oldest has been plagued by bullies for years now for this reason. Unfortunately for my nephews, it will be in their hands to figure out how to break free of this family tradition or pass it along to the next generation.
Contrast this with my son, who is Mr. Popularity at his school. Other children love him, and he makes friends very easily. He did not learn those skills from my hermit husband who has no friends and would rather hole himself up in a log cabin away from society. He learned those skills from me, the person who would not rest until she figured out how to make a connection with someone outside of her family. I frequently marvel over how a former social outcast like me could be raising such a “normal” child.
And, the thing is, my kid really isn’t “normal.” He has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which typically makes it difficult for children to make and maintain friendships. My kid’s social skills are so good that he is able to be popular (as in very well-liked) despite having ADHD.
So, I need to acknowledge that I have made changes. I hope that gives me the energy to keep trying.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
You are a marvel! Seriously. You are one of my personal heroes. You have come a looooong way!
Also, don’t forget that part of the aggravation of the eating disorder most recently could be that being sick threw off your stride… and also you do have the graduation coming up soon. Or did I miss that? I am a little forgetful. But anyway, this is a hard time of the year for you, so it makes sense that you would struggle harder and have a bit of a darker feeling about change.
I guess I’m saying that while it is really great that you worked through it this time, it may return again before the year’s out. BUT it may be just part of the cycle of season for you at work.
You’re a great mom! I am giving you safe encouraging pats!
peace,
mia
[…] Feeling Like Nothing is Ever Going to Change (faithallen.wordpress.com) […]
Faith, as a reader who has no experience with child abuse or overcoming the many struggles that you have conquered, I can still totally relate to your “nothing’s ever going to change, so what’s the point of struggling?” feeling. I tend to encounter it in the late fall/early winter, because I start off the year with certain goals (weight loss being among my goals, as well) and as the year is drawing to a close, I may concentrate more on what I HAVEN’T achieved, rather than on what I have.
I find your life to be amazing and inspiring. Personally, I think that just breaking the cycle of abuse is enough to give you the right to go, “Welp, that’s good enough work for one lifetime!” and rest on those laurels from now on. 🙂 Ok, maybe that would make for a pretty boring existence, but I still think it’s an amazing achievement. You should DEFINITELY be proud of it.
What I needed was an easier task. That is what makes the change so hard and such hard work. In a way that is what working with my therapist as given me. A place to do the work in small pieces making it a smaller task. Even though most of the work is outside of therapy having her there knowing how hard I am working as best she can and knowing that it is a hard task is a big part of it for me. It is not an excuse just because it is hard, there is a reason it is so hard.
Hi Faith,
This is the very issue that has been bothering me this week. I spoke about it in my support group and therapy session this week.
I put in so much work into trying to overcome the issues my abuse has left me with. Daily journaling, blogging, therapy, support group for survivors, martial arts, and monitoring my weight through weight watchers.
I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I in engaged in a battle that I will never win. All I get from all this work I put in to becoming a mentally, emotionally and physically healthier person, is to maintain a life that is not so completely unbearable all the time. Its just unbearable sometimes and during those times I get to use all those coping tools I have developed over the years. But I don’t feel like I am making progress. I just feel like the work I put in helps me not take such huge steps backwards.
This of course makes me feel hopeless and I begin to wonder why in the heck do I even bother. I should do what my mother did. She sat around the house just waiting to die. After she stopped working at age 57 — she never left the house and just waited.
I feel like I am running in place. But I guess just as you have acknowledge, we have stopped the cycle of abuse and I supposed that is really significant.
Thanks for the post…
Fat Girl Oreo
Here’s to permanent changes!!!! I too have felt like you Faith, and just yesterday, my husband said “if you don’t think you have done anything positive, just look at your daughter”. We do make changes as we heal, but it takes stepping back and looking to the past to see just how far we have come.
Congrats! Faith you are living!
most sincerely,
barbi
For those of us with children, it is very gratifying to see that we do well on their behalf. But this is only one measure. Our biggest changes we can see in ourselves if we know how to look and look closely enough. Good for you Faith!
I was bullied, to an extent, at school. I found that the people that bullied me back then are people that I would NEVER want to be friends with in a million years now. They are nice enough now, but they are empty people. They just turned into what society molded them into. I would rather any children of mine were not in the popular crowd (unless the popular crowd were not a bunch of stuck-up bullies, as they have always been in the numerous schools I went to as a child and teen). Now, I would want my child to be able to get on with others well, but I would not want him/her to be someone that lets bullying happen. If someone was bullying me, another two or three or so were almost always watching it and letting it happen, laughing with bullies a fair amount of the time. That made me want to avoid those children, too. But I am glad that I got to see the world as the underdog. To see the scum for what they really were.