Archive for December 4th, 2009

For those who have not been following my real-life drama, today marks one week until I leave for my sister’s graduation. As happy as I am for my sister (who dropped out of high school after ninth grade and is now graduating from college with honors), I am not looking forward to seeing my mother/abuser for the first time in six years.

Until this week, my last communication with my mother/abuser was when I mailed her the “back the f@#$ off” message in September. On Monday, I mailed her a nice Christmas card – the same one that I mailed to about 70 people that shows a picture of my son and came prewritten with “Love Hub, Faith, and Child” on it. I am hoping that will ease the tension a little bit, and it did not bother me to send it.

I really thought that I would be in a horrible funk for an entire month before the graduation. I did okay until Thanksgiving rolled around. I don’t know what it was specifically that triggered everything, but I went through a four-day period in which I was extremely depressed, and all was black. I assumed I would stay in that dreadful place until the graduation, but I didn’t. I started improving on Saturday and Sunday and then was back to normal by Monday. I have been okay all week.

I have no explanation for this other than the grace of G@#. Seriously. Yes, I am a strong person and have done a lot of healing work, but this is H-U-G-E. The graduation is a week out, and I am okay. This is even during the Christmas season, which is also a trigger for me, and I am still okay.

I thought that I was going to take a nosedive again yesterday when I got upset about something going on with my kid at school. It’s too complicated to go into now, but the bottom line is that I will be going to his school this morning to advocate for him. Since I have trouble separating out my actual child versus my inner child, I thought I would go back to that bad place of believing that my inner child was unsafe, but I didn’t. Who knows what I will be blogging about on Monday, but at least for now, in this moment, I am okay.

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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