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Archive for December, 2009

I am happy to report that I survived my weekend trip to see my sister graduate from college, which involved seeing my mother/abuser for the first time in six years. I guess I cannot fully say that I survived the trip quite yet because I am still on it as I write this. Our flight has been delayed due to fog, and if it does not lift soon, then we will miss our connecting flight, so traveling might be an all-day affair today. The good news is that it gives me plenty of time to blog about the weekend. :0) (It actually turned into a two-day traveling nightmare, which you can read about here.)

Where to start?? I had a rough week last week as D-day approached. I had to take Xanax to get to through the day, and I needed prescription medications to sleep at night. Even with all of the medication, I slept poorly (if at all), and I was wired and anxious during the day.

A friend of mine offered to come along and serve as my buffer, and she was great at this job. She kept me distracted and laughing during the flights down to see my sister. It was really amusing to see my dysfunctional family through her eyes. For example, my sister, who is in her late thirties, picked us up from the airport with pigtail in her hair. She was also wearing an odd hat on top of the pigtails. Seeing this view of my sister from my friend’s perspective was quite amusing.

On the ride over to the hotel, I asked my sister (again) about the plans for the following day. All that we had on our schedule was the graduation in the afternoon and then a party at my sister’s house afterward where “everyone” was invited to come. You would think that after ~ 50 phone calls, texts, and emails about this weekend, my sister would have clarified at some point that our mother/abuser was not included as part of “everyone,” doubly so since my sister knows all about the issues between my mother and me. No, the first time she informed me of my mother not being invited to the party was after I arrived. Better late than never, right??

This news helped to ease my anxiety because now I did not have to worry about being stuck in a small house with my mother for hours. This helped me to sleep a little better, and I actually did sleep well until the d@#$ alarm clock went off at 5:00 a.m. (and, yes, my friend and I did push the button to make sure that the alarm was not set, but it went off, anyhow.) At least I got some rest.

To be continued…

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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I’m Home

I don’t have time to post much, and I am very triggered. Thanks to weather conditions, it took us two days to get home from my sister’s graduation. Saw my mother briefly — details to follow at a later date. I have been slammed with a couple of big issues upon my return, so I simply cannot handle blogging right now. I hope to be back in a few days.

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Nervous Wreck

I have had to take Xanax the past couple of days to help ease my anxiety, and I am taking Tussionex to sleep at night. Hey, at least I am sleeping! We leave tomorrow for my sister’s graduation. Please send lots of positive energy, thoughts, and/or prayers my way as I prepare to see my mother/abuser for the first time in six years.

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Too Tired to Cope

It is 7:00 p.m., and I am about ready to drop. I am getting a shower and going to bed. I will take some Tussionex to knock me out. Here’s hoping I can sleep through the night. I keep feeling the urge to cry. I don’t know how much has to do with seeing my mother/abuser on Saturday and how much has to do with being so friggin’ tired.

A few of you have sent me long emails. Please be patient with me in responding. I don’t know how much I have to give right now until I get through this hurdle of seeing my mother. I am holding onto your emails and will read & respond as I am able.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Insomnia

It’s 2:49 a.m., and I have given up trying to fall back to sleep. I have been fighting off a cold, which is not surprising – I typically get sick right before I am going to see my mother/abuser. I went to bed very early (before 8:00 p.m.). Of course, my kid climbed into bed with me, and I cannot sleep with another person in the room, which is probably a contributing factor.

I woke up an hour ago and used my tools to try to fall back to sleep. My son and I watched the “Lost Episode” of SpongeBob earlier tonight, where it shows a couple of minutes of nothing but SpongeBob walking. I kept picturing that in my head, hoping that would knock me out. Right as my body was starting to drop off, my kid shifted, and I was wide awake again. Ugh.

So, I thought I would pound out this quick blog and then go grade some papers. If I cannot sleep now, I will need to sleep later, so might as well get work out of the way.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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For those who have not been following my real-life drama, today marks one week until I leave for my sister’s graduation. As happy as I am for my sister (who dropped out of high school after ninth grade and is now graduating from college with honors), I am not looking forward to seeing my mother/abuser for the first time in six years.

Until this week, my last communication with my mother/abuser was when I mailed her the “back the f@#$ off” message in September. On Monday, I mailed her a nice Christmas card – the same one that I mailed to about 70 people that shows a picture of my son and came prewritten with “Love Hub, Faith, and Child” on it. I am hoping that will ease the tension a little bit, and it did not bother me to send it.

I really thought that I would be in a horrible funk for an entire month before the graduation. I did okay until Thanksgiving rolled around. I don’t know what it was specifically that triggered everything, but I went through a four-day period in which I was extremely depressed, and all was black. I assumed I would stay in that dreadful place until the graduation, but I didn’t. I started improving on Saturday and Sunday and then was back to normal by Monday. I have been okay all week.

I have no explanation for this other than the grace of G@#. Seriously. Yes, I am a strong person and have done a lot of healing work, but this is H-U-G-E. The graduation is a week out, and I am okay. This is even during the Christmas season, which is also a trigger for me, and I am still okay.

I thought that I was going to take a nosedive again yesterday when I got upset about something going on with my kid at school. It’s too complicated to go into now, but the bottom line is that I will be going to his school this morning to advocate for him. Since I have trouble separating out my actual child versus my inner child, I thought I would go back to that bad place of believing that my inner child was unsafe, but I didn’t. Who knows what I will be blogging about on Monday, but at least for now, in this moment, I am okay.

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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I am celebrating a minor victory in my life. An ongoing annoyance of mine is how hub believes that his right to the TV trumps mine, especially if his favorite sports team is playing. We have always had two TVs in the house – one in the family room, and the other in the master bedroom. I moved out of the master bedroom a few years ago because I cannot sleep with another person in the room (plus hub snores). I did not realize how physically exhausted I had been for over a decade because of my inability to sleep with hub lying in the bed next to me.

Anyhow, the net result is that, for several years, there has been a family TV and then hub’s TV in his room. This worked out okay for the most part, with hub occasionally “bumping” me off the family TV to watch his sports, leaving me to do something else or use his TV in his room (which he keeps in a junky condition – I refuse to clean his room for him). However, as our son has grown older, we have added a third personality into the mix.

Our son has ADHD and is on stimulant medication, which makes it difficult for him to sleep, even on a prescription sleep aid. So, he watches TV in hub’s room until he drops off to sleep. Our usual routine is that I only watch the family TV one hour a day, after my son goes upstairs to watch TV/fall asleep and before hub gets back from the gym. However, now that college basketball season is upon us, hub is starting to bump me from my one hour so he can watch his game while our son is using the other TV.

It happened again the other night, and I got really annoyed. I had been waiting two weeks to watch a particular TV show, and I got “bumped” halfway through it. (It was recorded, but it was still annoying not to be able to watch it all in one sitting.) So, the next day, I went to Target and bought myself a new TV for my room. I used my own money from my part-time job to pay for it. I also scheduled the cable company to install a DVR in my room, and I will be using my part-time job money to pay for the increase in cost as well.

Hub was not happy about this turn of events, even though I pointed out that this did not cost him a dime. My therapist, on the other hand, was so proud of me. A friend is currently in therapy with him, and she told him about me buying myself a TV. He smiled and said that my friend had no idea how far I have come.

I know that there are bigger issues in the world than getting to watch an hour of TV, but this is about more than just a television. This was a gift to myself and an acknowledgement that I don’t have to be the third class member of this family.

Photo credit: Amazon.com

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