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Archive for February 8th, 2010

I am **hoping** that I can get back to blogging regularly again. My son only went to school for five hours last week thanks to the snowstorms that pummeled the eastern seaboard. He also missed two days of school the week before due to illness. I am soooo ready for him to get back to school so I can resume my life. I have a to-do list of over 50 items now … goodness help me.

I have been having disturbing dreams again. Every time I think I am finally finished with flashbacks, more seem to come. I think I blog about this every year, but I seem to “forget” and have to connect the dots year after year. My son had a birthday recently, and that always triggers me. He is now nine years old, and that has triggered memories of the horrors I endured when I was nine. Turning nine is significant with ritual abuse – that is when ritual abuse is stepped up a notch. So, it is no wonder that I have been freaking out a bit lately.

I have been haunted by memories of the box. I have always remembered the box that my abusers used. It was made out of plywood, and it had a mechanism for locking the lid. I have just “known” that I was locked in it, but pieces have been coming together through flashbacks lately. Not only was a locked in the box, but my abusers would throw in objects that terrified me or pour blood or feces on me. (I don’t know if it really was blood, but I believed it was as a child.)

This torture was also used as a “punishment” when I had trouble in school (which, fortunately, was not often). I have always remembered completely freaking out and having panic attacks in fifth grade because I had trouble learning the “new math” way of doing division. Now I understand why – my “punishment” was time in the box. This was when I was nine (I started school young). Since my son is nine and is struggling in school, I am freaking out about how to keep him safe. Even though I know that he is not going to be abused, my subconscious has a hard time separating out him from my inner child.

I am having dreams about flooding, water pouring out of walls, luggage (“baggage”), etc., which are all indicators that I have more memories/flashbacks that need to be processed. I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be “done” with recovering memories.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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