I was recently contacted by a college student who is writing his Master’s thesis on how blogging helps adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. I gave him permission to use excerpts from my blog as part of his thesis. Now I am going to make his job very easy for him because this is a great topic. I also encourage those of you who blog about childhood sexual abuse to write about your reasons and provide a link over to your blog in the comments so this student can use your blog for his research as well. I am thrilled that someone cares enough to ask, and I want to be supportive.
I actually did not begin using the Internet for healing from childhood sexual abuse as a blogger. In fact, I did not even know what a blog was when I began having flashbacks in 2003. All I knew was that I was having flashbacks of my mother sexually abusing me and that, other than my sister, I knew no one with a similar history. I was fearful of contacting a therapist because I thought that he would not believe me. After all, how often do you hear about mother-daughter sexual abuse?
I found a message board for adult survivors of child abuse called Isurvive, where I found people who supported me and believed me, even when I was having trouble believing myself. I shared all of my memories as I recovered them on that site, so I was kind of “blogging” without understanding what that term meant. I would share a memory and my reaction to it, and multiple fellow child abuse survivors would post supportive comments. They believed me, gave advice, offered support, and pretty much “held my hand” through one of the most painful times in my life. At a time when I was convinced that I must be “crazy,” I had a therapist and my online support system telling me that I was not.
In October 2007, I decided to write my own blog on healing from child abuse. My purpose was to provide support to those who were not as far along in healing from child abuse as I was. I wanted to provide the lifeline that others had provided me years ago when the flashbacks started.
Since then, my blog has met other needs as well. There are times when I still need support, and my wonderful readers provide me with supportive comments. I have used my blog for political activism, such as to help get the Protect Our Children Act passed. I have also used my blog to talk about topics that are not generally discussed anywhere online or offline, including animal rape, dissociative identity disorder (DID), mother-daughter sexual abuse, and masturbation as self-injury. My goal was never to be the spokesperson for any of these topics, but they need to be talked about, and I am willing to speak out about them when most other people are not.
My “reward” comes from the heartfelt emails I receive from people thanking me for talking about these difficult topics. Some readers have had the courage to talk to their therapists about issues like masturbation as self-injury after reading my blog. Others have told me that, instead of reaching for a razor blade to cut themselves, they reached for their keyboard to read my blog. The knowledge that my words are bringing healing to the most hurting members of society gives me immense satisfaction.
I do not get paid to write this blog. I have set my blog up as an affiliate for amazon.com, but every dime is donate directly to Isurvive to help that site continue to help adult survivors of childhood abuse. I lead a busy life, but I take the time to blog because it matters. This blog is my gift back to the community of adult survivors of child abuse. I know what it feels like to believe that I am completely alone. Through this blog, no child abuse survivor should ever need to feel that way again. As long as I continue writing this blog, and as long as I have active readers supporting one another, no adult survivor of childhood abuse needs to worry about healing alone.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
On my blog I am very lazy and sloppy about it. I just write what comes into my head. As far as sharing, I just thow it out to the universe and if the universe finds a use that is a bonus.
I do get support from comments on my blog.
I read blogs and try to offer support.
The internet in general has been a huge part of my healing. I found out what I needed to know about ritual abuse and MKULTRA on the internet.
I feel and think that those that are DID know much more about DID than those who study it. I feel that some therapist are able to help people heal. I consider those that experience DID to be the only experts and the only contact I have with them is online.
Pretty much if you are not multiple I ask that you understand you do not understand.
Writing to my therapist in the moment is huge. Note: We set it up so she does not answer. That is best for us.
To the student. Faith’s blog is for me one of the most helpful. Bonus is she could care less if I agree with her.
As I write I understand I do not really know why I bog. It like it is guess.
http://dayodayo.wordpress.com/
Hi, MFF.
I had to smile when I read this:
“Bonus is she could care less if I agree with her.”
I think it is so important that we respect our differences rather than try to force others to agree with us. For a survivor of child abuse to have the courage to disagree with someone else is HUGE! According to the “Survivor to Thriver” manual, one sign that you are healing is when you feel comfortable disagreeing with your therapist. :0)
– Faith
My blog is like my diary. I can write anything there.I’m anonymous and feel like I can write freely. It’s been very healing for me to write things that involke in me such shame, and then have others comment that they have experienced the same thing. It lets me know that my reaction is “normal” and I’m not alone.
Although I was abused sexually as a child, my blog focuses more on my recent sexual abuse in my marriage and how my earlier CSA perhaps “predisposed” me to future abusive relationships.
I blog about my abuse for numerous reasons:
A) Because I want to provide a place to address the “taboo” things that (as Faith mentioned) many professionals & organizations don’t discuss too often,
B) Because it helps me work through various parts of my own recovery process,
C) Because I hope to support other survivors & perhaps help them feel less isolated and alone, and
D) Because it gives me a creative way to express myself and provides a healthy way of releasing thoughts & feeling.
Faith,
I too was contacted by the masters thesis student. I think it is an awesome way for professionals to see what blogging truly is about. Blogging helped me so much as well. Your blog is truly awesome and it’s such a great resource for survivors.
Take Care.
I had never looked at a blog before starting my own and then, I got online with a few because my daughter encouraged me to read them and sent me links to them.
My daughter wanted me to know that I’m not alone with the horror that haunts me. She is aware that I don’t confide everything to her. She knows money is tight, so having the heart to heart talks with my T is often not an option.
Being able to talk and know that someone else understands me, is invaluable. Being able to share without the stress of those blank stares and jaw-dropping moments is wonderful. Blogging keeps me from feeling like an oddity, or like the only person to have been set up for sexual abuse by a bunch of evil devil wannabes. Yes, blogging works. http://shadesofivory.blogspot.com/
Ivory,
“bunch of evil devil wannabes.”
Best description yet.
I only began blogging recently as another outlet, and to help with therapy. I don’t know if it’s helping yet, but seeing it in print on my computer screen also reminds me that it did happen and I am trying to heal.
http://aehathor.wordpress.com/
I also blog to get a sense of acceptance that the others describe… But one of the other most important aspects is to reflect on my experiences (both past and present). Blogging allows me to think over what has happened and draw together different aspects of my life so that I can think it through and draw connections. This often gives me great insight into my own motivations and behaviours. While the comments from an amazing bunch of people, can highlight improvements and insights I would never have spotted.
Blogging can be an incredibly rewarding exercise…
Take care,
CG
I blog because I got to the point in my healing where I hadn’t been in therapy or going to survivor groups for well over a decade. I was no longer going to survivor support groups, and even if I did, most or all of the survivors there would be at an earlier stage of healing. This means that I didn’t have anyone to talk to as a peer about what was going on for me when I discovered my father/abuser was terminally ill. I needed to sort out the spiritual and emotional questions relating to my father/abuser being terminally ill and whether and how I might seek justice. Now I have some online friends who get it.
It’s good to write in a forum where I can be honest and it doesn’t have my real name attached.
Masters student: you might also ask about scumbag that is posting really disturbing and threatening comments on survivor blogs. I recieved one that I didn’t read once I’d scanned enough to know what it was and since have locked down my security settings, but this is something that I know also happened to some other survivor bloggers of my acquaintance, and it’s unlikely any of them approved them to be visible publicly.
SDW
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All you SA bloggers are beautiful ass-kickers! Without you all, there would be so many souls who were way more lost and lonley and confused than any of us needs to be.
Keep up the good work everyone.
Peace and blessings,
mia
I never thought I’d be a “blogger.” My main reason is in hopes of learning more about my DID. I’ve read lots of info on my Internet surfing, but everything is so “textbook.”
I’ve met some wonderful people since my short time of blogging. I can write whatever I’m feeling at that moment, and no one knows me, then I don’t feel judged. I’ve learned a lot from others and have received lots of support too.
jo
http://sexualselfinjury.wordpress.com/
I only recently began blogging. I was inspired by you Faith. I have gained so much by reading your words and it is reassuring to know that someone has successfully gone before me.
I am not that far along my journey and at first I thought it would be silly to blog because I thought I wouldn’t have much to offer (as far as advice, etc). However, one day I searched for hours to find someone else blogging about sexual abuse and DID from Australia and couldn’t find ANYONE. Even though the internet means I can talk to people all over the world, I still feel so isolated. So in that moment I decided to start my own blog – of course I welcome anyone to read and comment, but as time goes on I hope that I can connect with some other Australians, or people from other countries who also feel isolated. Eventually I plan to add some Australia-specific content, such as support services and information about how to find a therapist who knows what DID means and how to treat it.
So far only one person has commented on my blog. It feels WONDERFUL to have made that connection. My stats show that others have visited and I hope that my writing has been useful to them in some way.
The other thing I have found is that by putting my experience out there for anyone to read (even though it’s anonymous) I feel like I am breaking the silence. That feels really good too.
To the student: I am thrilled that you care about this topic. Good on you!
mio
Hi, Mio.
Is your blog listed on my blogroll? If not, please email the link or put it in the comments here, and I will add it. That should help get you some traffic. :0)
– Faith
Hi MIO,
If that makes you feel a little less isolated, I’m in New Zealand. I also know some DID bloggers from Australia – a couple through YouTube (Maddisun & MirrorofManyFaces) and one in the written form (Lifes Spacings). There will be others, but bloggers don’t always indicate which country they’re in.
Take care,
castorgirl
http://www.castorgirl.com
Interesting…I was just talking to my therapist today about my blogging. I initially began my blog as an outlet for all the parts of me to journal.
But since then, it has evolved into more than that form. As I was sharing with my therapist today, it is a support network of sorts to me. I am a private person, in real life, and have trouble opening up about my CSA.
I have found so much support and have been able to network with other survivors by blogging. As I shared with my therapist today, “There’s a whole other world out there…and there really are people like me!”
I finally feel like I ‘fit’ somewhere…and it is really a blessing.
~ Grace
http://growingupgrace.com/home/
Well before I knew that I’d been sexually abused, I began a non-anonymous blog simply because I needed to talk. Posting the words “I like this” was incredibly powerful, and writing helped me understand why I liked something – and that it was okay to like something!
The risks I took while blogging were also instructive. I had nightmares after reviewing a documentary about Gene Robinson, a gay bishop in the Episcopal Church, and that helped me understand my unconscious fears and how oppressed I had been as a child.
I ultimately used my blog to confront my family about their alcoholism – that was the only medium in which I could get their attention. During the resulting fallout, I finally had the courage to cut off all contact with them.
I have another anonymous blog about my abuse, mainly because I need to get the words out, but most people aren’t prepared to hear the horrors of my story. Writing down an awful dream or episode somehow loosens its power over me.
Reading other survivor blogs lets me know I’m not alone. I had some understanding of what happened to me during my first flashback, but clinical definitions were not what I needed for reassurance. That’s when I found Faith’s blog. I needed to hear what a normal flashback was like, how you could survive them, and that the emotional fallout I felt was par for the course. It’s much, much easier to know that you are being driven crazy by symptoms than to believe that you are crazy for having symptoms.
I believe that as a survivor, nothing can match the power of finding my own voice or of joining a community focused on healing.
I would be happy to talk more with you if you are interested. Faith can send you my e-mail if she likes.
I am also fairly new to blogging. I was introduced to the blogging world when trying to find some info on certain issues. I couldn’t seem to find any explanations. Then I found Blooming Lotus and I can’t even explain the relief I felt to know that I wasn’t alone and that there were explanations.
I decided to start my own blog because I don’t talk to anyone except for my T in my off-line world. And sometimes i just need to get stuff out of me.
I find reading other blogs such a help to me when I’m trying to figure myself out.
http://inamaze.wordpress.com/
Hi Faith,
I just found your blog less than a week ago. It was almost funny…I had been in therapy for about a year, had recovered incest and other memories (or better said found connecting lines to many ‘dots’ in my head), but I was struggling…I felt like I was crazy, it was probably all just in my head, I suspected that even my therapist might be thinking that I am exagerating and that it was ‘not that bad’…
At one point my therapist and other people had encouraged me to become a therapist myself (apparently they think I am a great listener)…I am not totally convinced, but at least intrigued enough that I have started reading some of the text books…in one of the books I read a bit about DID…found it really interesting that the brain would be able to do these splits and wanted to know more…I googled it – and found your blog…I started reading it (and have been doing so for most of my awake-time since I started) and I had a completely weird feeling…it felt like you knew me…things I had been struggling to put into words in therapy you just named in a way that completely captured what was going on with me…I wrote an e-mail to my therapist asking if he thought there was any chance that I could have DID (it took three hours of agonizing over every word – because I was sure he would just laugh at me and tell me that I was exagerating) and after a few more hours of thinking whether to send it or not, I did. I am sure you can guess his answer by now – he said that he never wants to put ‘labels’ on people, because many don’t do well with them, but he definitely agrees that my diagnosis is DID. He encouraged me to compare your “How to integrate…” pages with what he had been doing with me so far. – Duh!
The weird thing is that at first I was not sure how to react, be stressed or scared by this diagnosis, but in the end I think it is mostly relief right now…it feels like FINALLY I know what is wrong with me, that I am not ‘crazy’, but actually quite ‘normal’ – for someone with DID.
Faith, THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing your blog even through all the struggles that you continue to go through. I am scared of the process, but also encouraged because now I know, I am not alone, others have gone through this too.
Since I read my diagnosis, I have this picture in my mind of ‘my room’…there are lots of people in there, it is kind of crowded and noisy, everyone talking at once, trying to get my attention…the walls are dark purple (my favorite color) and there are several old pieces of furniture in the room…a wardrobe, several trunks, book shelves…all is messy…doors and drawer half open, dust cobwebs, disaray…usually this would stress me to no ends (I think it represents me/us), but at the moment I am mostly relieved that I finally can ‘see’ what is going on…like I was in that room all the time but blindfolded…so being able to see is a great first step…I will meet my therapist in five days…until then I guess my anxiety level will be a lot higher…but at least…now I know…thanks to YOU! THANK YOU!!!
Sorry this is so long…
Hi, N7.
Thank you for your comment. You made me tear up (in a good way). This is exactly why I write this blog. I am so glad that it helped you. :0)
– Faith
I just started blogging to let it all out, to maybe touch someone’s heart and help them, because maybe someone has gone through the exact same thing in their life and they are still hurting from it and cant let it out..and maybe, just maybe I can be their voice, maybe they can find serinity in my blogs, my words, my past…just enough for them to smile and say “I am not alone.”
http://unrealme3.wordpress.com/
^^^^^^ my site^^^^^^^
I recently started a blog about dealing with the aftermath of childhood sexual abuse…not my own abuse, but my daughter’s abuse at the hands of my husband, and how it affects our family. I searched for blogs and info about this topic and there are very few, I am writing this one in hopes to help families in our situation. I plan to update it regularly with the things we have been through and will continue to go through as a result of this abuse. http://tapeandglue.blog.com/
Hi, TapeandGlue.
Would you like your blog added to the blogroll?
~ Faith
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