Before I ever knew I had dissociative identity disorder (DID), I had read books about DID. I was always drawn to the topic of DID, even though I didn’t know why. One commonality I noticed in the DID books and movies (the few that I could find!) was that all of the books were about women who either divorced or never had a relationship. Divorce seemed to be part of the healing process. This really threw me into a tailspin because I don’t want to get divorced, but I did want to heal from DID. Did I really have to choose between my marriage or healing? Why couldn’t I have both?
I have been married for almost 18 years, and I have been in the process of recovering from DID for almost six of those years. I have managed to stay married while healing from DID, so I do not believe that divorce is an inevitability when you heal from DID.
That being said, healing from DID does put a major strain on a marriage, and you will have to make some tough choices if you want to stay married. The vast majority of DID survivors experienced sexual abuse, and healing from sexual abuse while in a sexual relationship can be very challenging. Most married people are not willing to live celibate lives for months or years, so you have to balance out your own needs with your spouse’s very legitimate needs for sex.
When I began healing from DID, losing my marriage simply was not an option. I was a stay-at-home mom of a young child, and I was determined that no matter what, I would stay married. This created such as deep conflict inside of myself that I thought I would burst. The problem was that our marriage could no longer stay the same as it always had been because I was no longer the same person who married my husband. For us to stay married, hub was going to have to make some changes.
I reached a place where I had to face the question – If I have to choose between healing from DID or staying married, which takes priority? I fought answering this question for months and wound up self-injuring repeatedly. I finally had to reach a place of recognizing that nothing, not even my marriage, could stand in the way of my healing. I decided that I would rather be healthy than have to “stay sick” to stay married. When I made this decision, my marriage began to change in positive ways. I will share more tomorrow.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I really appreciate this post. I have been married for 17 yrs and have been in recovery this entire time. Starting on our honeymoon my world began to shatter. Or actually I should say that I began to see my already shattered self more clearly. Staying in an intimate relationship with somebody is so hard at times. I’ve wanted to run away and leave it all but it is also what has allowed me to face things I otherwise would not have had the courage or strength to face. I’m very blessed to have a supportive husband though. I cannot imagine how someone could heal if their partner was not a true partner in their healing. It is just way too stressful for both people. I believe it is nothing short of a miracle to be able to stay married and still be on this healing journey.
A courageous decision, Faith. Good for you.
As someone who went through a healing process from CSA, and got divorced in the middle of it, I don’t think there is necessarily a causal relationship between the two. Healing doesn’t cause divorce, but healing, in many cases can cause quite a change in the core of who you are and what you want from life. That may differ from what you wanted when you originally got married, and simply may not be compatible with your partner’s goals any longer.
So, yes, between the stress that can be caused watching and living with someone going through healing, and the inevitable changes it brings, I’m not surprised that divorce is quite common, but it’s hardly inevitable either!
I am in my eighth year of conscious healing, though I believe I have been healing many more years than that. The one consistent thing I have had in my life in all these years is my husband. Lucky me, this guy lives in the moment and he loves me.
We are both different in so many ways since this journey began. He is the most important model I have for love. No matter what, and at times I do not understand why, he loves me.
Maybe there is something to the idea that when you have suffered much, the balance shifts your way.
This is not a heroic journey the two of us are on, it is a commitment we were lucky enough to find in each other. It is definitely a counter to how I was raised.
Take care.
I am in the no longer married column.
I was mis-dx as bi-polar. The meds were not good. I thought about might I stlll be married had I got the correct Dx. No way to know. I expect it might have been the I would have stayed married for the children.
I am not sorry I got married. I am not sorry I am no longer married.
Yes, Faith, I agree that commitment to healing must come first.
But commitment to healing is tied to everything else. If we are committed to our marriages and to our children, then healing can inform those relationships and help them grow and flourish.
Great post!