Archive for March 2nd, 2010

Yesterday, I talked about whether it is possible to stay married while healing from DID. My personal answer has been yes, although I seem to be in the minority. Just about every story of dissociative identity disorder (DID) I have read about has involved a divorce, which is quite disheartening to those of us who want to stay married to the person we married before healing from DID.

My experience was that I needed to face the question of, if I have to choose, will I choose healing or staying married? Once I chose healing, things got better. When I faced the reality that being healthy was even more important than staying married, I began to demand things of hub, and he loved me enough to change just enough for our marriage to continue working as I transformed into a healthier me.

Like most people with DID, I was a people-pleaser, so we always did what hub wanted to do. As I healed, I needed room in the marriage for me. I was no longer okay with being a reflection of what hub wanted me to be. I had my own personality, wants, and needs, and there needed to be room for them. Hub didn’t like it, but I learned to stand my ground, and slowly our marriage began to change. Today, our marriage is much healthier than it was before I began healing, and I no longer walk on eggshells worrying that one wrong move will drive hub away. If he goes, I know I will be okay.

I am not saying that things are perfect. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am still quite conflicted about sex. Also, we have very little emotional intimacy, which is why hub married a woman with DID in the first place. I wanted emotional distance so my “secret” would not be discovered, and hub has his own reasons for not wanting emotional intimacy. For now, I get what I need emotionally through friendships, so our marriage works well enough at this stage to keep going.

Whether or not to stay married when healing from DID is a personal decision. I don’t recommend it if you are in an abusive and/or toxic relationship. However, you don’t have to blow up every aspect of your life just because you are healing from DID. My experience has been that it is possible to remain married while healing from DID. The key is learning how to set & enforce boundaries and being married to someone who loves you enough to make at least a few changes to make room for you in the marriage.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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