Yesterday, I talked about whether it is possible to stay married while healing from DID. My personal answer has been yes, although I seem to be in the minority. Just about every story of dissociative identity disorder (DID) I have read about has involved a divorce, which is quite disheartening to those of us who want to stay married to the person we married before healing from DID.
My experience was that I needed to face the question of, if I have to choose, will I choose healing or staying married? Once I chose healing, things got better. When I faced the reality that being healthy was even more important than staying married, I began to demand things of hub, and he loved me enough to change just enough for our marriage to continue working as I transformed into a healthier me.
Like most people with DID, I was a people-pleaser, so we always did what hub wanted to do. As I healed, I needed room in the marriage for me. I was no longer okay with being a reflection of what hub wanted me to be. I had my own personality, wants, and needs, and there needed to be room for them. Hub didn’t like it, but I learned to stand my ground, and slowly our marriage began to change. Today, our marriage is much healthier than it was before I began healing, and I no longer walk on eggshells worrying that one wrong move will drive hub away. If he goes, I know I will be okay.
I am not saying that things are perfect. Anyone who reads my blog knows that I am still quite conflicted about sex. Also, we have very little emotional intimacy, which is why hub married a woman with DID in the first place. I wanted emotional distance so my “secret” would not be discovered, and hub has his own reasons for not wanting emotional intimacy. For now, I get what I need emotionally through friendships, so our marriage works well enough at this stage to keep going.
Whether or not to stay married when healing from DID is a personal decision. I don’t recommend it if you are in an abusive and/or toxic relationship. However, you don’t have to blow up every aspect of your life just because you are healing from DID. My experience has been that it is possible to remain married while healing from DID. The key is learning how to set & enforce boundaries and being married to someone who loves you enough to make at least a few changes to make room for you in the marriage.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I got married *while* I was healing from DID. In fact, I was dating my husband when we discovered that I had it. It’s been over 10 years now and I couldn’t be happier. We have two wonderful children, and while I’m still healing, he is always understanding and supportive. I wouldn’t recommend doing this to everyone, but because he was there when I “found out” about my DID, it made things much, much easier. I wouldn’t trade him for the world – although I used to always worry that he would leave if I was no longer “sick”. As I’ve grown/gotten better I worry about that less and less though.
Faith, I’m glad you addressed this. Like you, I’ve noticed that the overwhelming majority of marriages in which one partner begins healing from DID after marrying, end in divorce. That is one of my biggest fears as a person healing from DID myself; I have been married for nine years and very much want to remain married.
My dh and I have a very committed and loving relationship. He respects me, I respect him, and though there are certainly areas where my DID interferes with healthy relating, the two of us work hard to make it work. On top of all the work we’ve put in, we have three children as well. We’ve built a very busy and full life together; to dissolve our marriage would not be worth it *in OUR case* (don’t want to imply any judgment about anyone else’s) to avoid the hard parts. I fully believe there are marriages that should not remain intact, in cases of abuse, for instance, or when the marriage only worked in the first place because of the dynamics with DID. But I’m glad to know I’m not the only one out there who’s making it work 🙂 Thanks so much for being vocal about it – it’s VERY supportive!
Wind dancer
I definitely agree that it’s possible to remain married while you try to heal from the trauma that caused DID. My husband discovered that I had DID shortly after we began dating. It didn’t scare him off–eight and a half years later, we’re still doing good.
There are issues, of course, and they might be more unusual than those a “normal” couple might experience, but they’re not insurmountable. The biggest requirement, I believe, is love, the sort of love that the Bible talks about when it says: “Love is long-suffering and kind . . . It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”
“Also, we have very little emotional intimacy, which is why hub married a woman with DID in the first place. I wanted emotional distance so my “secret” would not be discovered…”
Wow! I could have written that sentence. I have been married for 15 years and I don’t even know what the word intimacy means!
Thank you for sharing this!
~ Grace
Yes, you absolutely can stay married. I have been married 12 years and my best friend, who is also DID, has been married for 25.
I echo your comments about being a pleaser and as we heal we require space and respect in the marriage. It’s certainly doable. And, for me, I have asked for this space/respect relatively recently (only in the past year or so).
It has not been easy and there has been huge resistance by my wife because it was challenging the status quo and the marital dynamics.
One of the problems for me, and for my friend, is that our spouses aren’t terribly reflective or self-aware. They tend not to appreciate some of the things we all take for granted.
But, we all can learn to respect each other and live together and be relatively happy.
Faith
This is a good thing to discuss we have found it very difficult and have had an up and down existence within our marriage since DX we had separated from H but with good psychologist input who has great experience in DID etc…. she helped us to work it out, and also the separate bedrooms helps a great deal for my safe place no sexual contact in this place .his has been one of the greatest helps, we are never concerned about going to bed now and being expected to have sex. Now it is planned and agreed we know this may sound very cold but this aspect of having that control has been very helpful to me, not sure about H as he just wants to see me get stronger and healthier
So again thank you for your straight talking blog, which has without doubt helped me immensly
take care
anon
Hi, Anon.
Yes, having separate bedrooms was crucial for me. My bedroom is my “safe place” where we NEVER have sex. Sex only happens in his bedroom. I also needed to be able to schedule sex in advance so I didn’t have to walk on eggshells with some parts always afraid of having to have sex when taken by surprise.
– Faith
Can I ask how we can bring up the topic of wanting and needing our own bedroom? Whenever we’ve made comments about it, he doesn’t take me seriously. I did convince him that we had to have a king size bed though and that helps some, as we have a huge barrier between us of stuffies and our fuzzy blanket that he doesn’t like to get too close to. But how do I convince him that I’m not trying to be mean, I just need a sex free zone and a space to call our own?
The different bedroom conversation is an interesting one to me. The hus and I do not, nor have we ever, had seperate bedrooms. But “I” cannot have sex in our bedroom either. Ever! Although we “share” the space, it is my safe place and I cannot connect it to sex.
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