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Archive for March 12th, 2010

Just to recap for newer readers – my mother sexually abused me as a child and provided access for most of my abusers, so I really don’t have any desire to keep this woman in my life. I also have a nine-year-old son who I don’t want anywhere near her. Meanwhile, my sister has chosen to continue a relationship with her and allows her to visit with her grandchildren (14 and 10).

I cut off all personal contact (only letters) with my mother/abuser in 2003 under the advice of my therapist. I set boundaries about what could be in those letters – no talking about the past, reunions, etc. Despite this, my mother/abuser repeated disregards the boundaries, apologizing for stupid things that have nothing to do with the abuse. Until she takes responsibility for the hell she put me through as a child (which will never happen), we have nothing to talk about.

Last year, I chose not to send her a birthday card, and that is when all hell broke loose. She saw that she had nothing to lose, so she started calling and threatened to visit. I sent her a note saying, “Back the f@#$ off!!,” and she left me alone until we saw each other for the first time at my sister’s college graduation in December 2009. Since then, the letters have started again because she thinks that seeing each other in December (where I was looking for places to vomit and was pumped up on Xanax) means that we now have a fresh start.

Now that you are caught up … She had another birthday recently, and I (stupidly) sent her a nondescript card with a couple of recent pictures of my son. I thought this was staving off round two, but apparently it sent her the wrong message in light of the letter I just received:

I was wondering. May 8th [Mother’s Day Weekend!!!!] I’ll be up in [a nearby city] to visit [relatives]. Is there a way that on May 9th [Mother’s Day] I could see you? Then we can sit down and talk out our differences. The maybe we can become friends once more. Or I could see you on May 8, before I get to [city] and have a short stop on my journey up there. I’ll pay for your lunch. Let me know if this will work for you?

Talk out our differences!?!! Become friends one more!?!! When were we ever friends?? It didn’t feel real friendly when my body was offered up to all of her “friends” sexually on and off camera!! These are not “differences.” We are not arguing about paint color or the best sports team. She RAPED me, and she allowed her friends to RAPE me. How do you talk that out?? “I didn’t like it when you let your friends bury me alive or lock me in a box for hours. I wasn’t crazy about the gang rapes or having my first orgasm at your hand when I was a toddler.” No, sorry, don’t see it happening.

I called my sister, and we are going to visit my grandmother [father’s mother] out of state that weekend. I haven’t been to see her in a couple of years because returning to my hometown wigged me out too much. I think seeing my grandmother once more before she dies is a much better use of my time, and maybe I won’t wig out so much knowing that my mother/abuser is in another state.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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