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Archive for March 18th, 2010

On my blog entry entitled Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID): Seeking to “Control” Alter Parts, a reader posted the following comment:

The thing I’m struggling with at the moment, and it’s really upsetting and unsettling me, is – who is the real me? Who is the core/host? Who is me? I know I am the sum of my parts, but when they are all in conflict, it’s so hard to know who I am … Am I the part who observes it all? Who communicates for the rest? I don’t know. I don’t know. ~ Anon

Coming to terms with who you are is a challenge for anyone who is integrating from DID. For most of my life, I thought I was Faye (my host personality). I saw everything from Faye’s perspective, and having other parts was very scary for Faye. However, once I no longer needed to keep Faye separate and melted her back into my core, my self-perspective shifted to the perspective of the core, and I realized that the core was always “me.”

This process can be scary because many people who are healing from DID are seeing the other alter parts from the perspective of the host personality, which, in my experience, was just a tiny sliver of who I was. Who I am ran so much deeper than my shell of a host personality, but I could not see this until after I integrated this part of myself into the core.

There is a core part of yourself calling the shots. For example, even though I saw the world from the perspective of Faye, “forces” inside of myself would “direct” Faye to make decisions that were best for the core. Multiplicity is complex, and a part of yourself must control which alter part is in and which part is out. If you don’t have a solid core, then I would say that the part of yourself in control of the multiple system is the starting point for your core.

The good news is that it all makes sense once the part of yourself that you are experiencing (typically the host personality) integrates into the core. It feels like coming home (to a good home), and so many things simply make sense about your life and yourself. If you are in that scary place of not knowing who you are, I hope you can trust me enough to believe that you are going to be okay. Once you have chosen to accept your truths and no longer need to keep your host personality separate, your host personality will integrate back into the core, and everything will make sense, including who you are. I speak from experience – I did not know who I was until I integrated my host back into the core.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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