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Archive for March 30th, 2010

Yesterday, I shared that I wrote a draft letter to my mother/abuser that I might or might not send. I want feedback from my sister and best friend as well as all of you before I send it.

I had the worst nightmares after writing the letter. I could feel the revolving door of my multiple system in full spin while I tried to sleep (I wrote the letter late at night), and I had to do deep breathing to stop my heart from pounding. Then, it was a full night of one nightmare followed by the next.

The one that freaked me out the most was the one that involved me looking into a mirror. What I saw in the mirror looked nothing like me. I was a complete freak – bald and pale with no eye lashes, and the pupils of my eyes were bright red. I kept trying to push the image away, but it wouldn’t leave. I was hideous. :0(

I had multiple other nightmares, but they didn’t stick. I woke up in a cold sweat, and I am still shaky this morning. My kid (who crawled into bed with me last night) must have picked up on some of my energy, because he said out of nowhere, “Mom, I want you to drink some wine.” I told him that only alcoholics drink wine at 7:00 in the morning, but he said he didn’t care. (And, no, I have never had wine for breakfast!)

I have a better plan for the morning. My son and I are going to go to the gym. They have free childcare on Saturday mornings and a great “kids’ workout room” where he gets to work out using the Wii with other children while I work out. I think I will spend an hour on the elliptical machine. I will probably need that long to shake off the anxiety I am feeling this morning.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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