As I shared last week, I am at the beach for Spring Break with hub and my son. We are having a good time, so please don’t think I am spending all of my time thinking about my mother/abuser because I am not. However, I am continuing to be plagued by nightmares, causing me to wake up feeling shaky every morning.
I read three of your comments to my Monday blog entry before I lost Internet access where we are staying. We stay my father-in-law’s beach house, which does not have Internet access, so I am at the mercy of obtaining wireless Internet access from wherever I can get it, and I lost it here after the first couple of days. Alas. I plan to go to a local restaurant that offers free wi-fi so I can post this blog entry and read your other comments.
I also spoke with my sister. I emailed her a draft of the letter, and her response was to do whatever I needed to do. She just wants me to let her know before I send anything so she can avoid answering the phone when our mother/abuser calls her to complain about it. However, to this day, m/a never told her about my “Back the f#$% off!!” note, so she isn’t sure if m/a will contact her about a confrontation letter or not.
The part that makes the angriest is that my mother’s insanity takes away so many of my choices. I would like either never to see or hear from her again OR confront her about what happened. I hate this in-between crap. I am sick to death of hearing (whether in her letters or secondhand through my sister) that m/a is baffled as to what she could have done to deserve being treated like this. She is being treated much more kindly than she deserves because she deserves to rot in a prison cell, but I haven’t pressed any charges.
Mia makes a valid point that my letter would be good for a sane person but not an insane one. Because she is not sane, any letter to my mother probably will just encourage her as it would any other stalker.
I don’t know. I am frustrated and angry because I could not have been clearer about my boundaries, and she won’t respect them. I have the tools in my arsenal to “force” her to obey them (the truth), but that could cause her to have a psychotic episode which could hurt someone else. It isn’t fair, just like nothing in my childhood was fair.
The good news is that my sister already relayed the message that I will not be in town over Mother’s Day weekend, so I can check relaying that information off my to-do list. (I purposely did not ask my sister to get in the middle of this, but my mother put her there.) Mother/abuser actually had the gall to go on about all of the “excuses” I am making not to see her. I don’t recall making any excuses. Saying, “I don’t want to see you,” and “Back the f#$% off” sound pretty direct to me.
Edited to add — I really like MFF’s suggestion of a very short version:
If you can respect my boundaries, then we can write letters monthly. If you cannot, then I am not interested in maintaining a relationship with you.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
That is a powerful statement…”my mother’s insanity takes away so many of my choices.”
I understand this, and in fact before I read this entry had just thought this to myself. My system is in an upheavel this morning because of contact from my mother/abuser, and has not known how to best respond either. So amazing how others can be in the same place we are…thanks for posting so transparently for people like me. I am working hard at not allowing my mother to have my power…but dammit it can be so hard to not switch into the role i knew so well as a child.
Thanks for writing, and for listening.
ang
So sorry, Faith. Our family relations aren’t the best either.
I’m not questioning you, but why do you think telling her the truth would cause her to have a psychotic episode? And maybe that would get her put into a mental hospital, which wouldn’t be a bad thing. (I say this with some knowledge/background- my father/abuser is ‘paranoid schizophrenic’- we really don’t know for sure as he’s not in treatment it’s- very complicated. And regardless of my feelings etc., when I got into foster care he was confronted about it by a criminal case the State started against him for abuse of me- he denied it, but i don’t think it made him any crazier).
I’m in a slightly similar situation w/my sister, who didn’t so- okay, she *did* abuse me but it’s er, not something I’ve dealt with nor is it entirely her fault. She is being emotionally and possibly somewhat physically abusive to *her* mother, and I am- having to plan to call Adult Protective Services as her mother is older and not well (and I love her and wish I could kick my sister’s ass *sigh*). *She*, I could destroy by confronting with the truth- which I will if I have to. But- she’s multiple, only not in therapy/dealing with it/aware etc.
I’m sorry this was so long and about my family. I just wanted to explain how I can relate and your not the only one with similar situations (I’m forced to be in contact w/my sister to be in contact w/her mother, who I love and never hurt me).
So what if she has a psychotic breakdown? Seriously. Maybe it’s just what she needs. You cannot control what others will do or be or have, and that includes your mother. The only thing you CAN control is you. And right now, Faith, SHE is still controlling you.
If you want to confront her DO IT. Nobody knows what healing may come from that. If she melts down, so what? She’s not raising any kids… and it’s not like you haven’t suffered or melted down because of HER direct actions. I’m not saying that you should or should not confront her, or if you do that it should be out of spite… what I AM saying is that you deserve to be free, and to tell your truth. To deny yourself that for any reason is staying in the victim position. It is your stuff, not hers. You have to quit worrying about her or telling yourself that you do in order to be free of this.
My belief is that there are two or three choices, you can
1. cut her off simply and easily with a letter once and for all and tell your sis you do NOT want to hear about her that way
either.
2.Confront her in whatever manner you choose, hopefully with some boundaries in place… and accept whatever gifts and fallout occur from that.
3. Contact your t, and see what they say about it.
I hate to see you suffer in this way. I am passionate about not dragging things out. The set up you have now is clearly not working and no amount of telling her is going to help. She’s a pusher, and will ALWAYS push in one way or another.
I am so angry at her right now, I wish I could swat her a good one for putting you in this spot! Well, not to mention everything that came before. She is CRAZY. You are NOT. You are helpful and caring to a fault. Time to stop worrying about the bitch and do what you need to Faith.
Much love,
mia
I agree with Mia and will support you Faith in whatever you decide to do.
hugs
palucci
Mia, you have expressed what I am thinking so well!
Faith, you have told your mother so many times and so clearly what your boundaries are and she continues to push them. Your letter was very *nicely* worded but as others have said, you are continuing to state the same thing. There must be a point where you follow through and end the relationship or she will only continue the same behaviour.
It’s unusual for me to give my opinion like this, but I am so worked up about what she is doing to you. Please, take care of you!
Dawn