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Archive for April, 2010

I think I have a better idea about what is going on with me now. When I left the gym this morning, I felt a very strong need to cry, but no tears would come. This is an odd thing for me because for most of my life, I could cry at the drop of a hat. Whenever I feel this heaviness of needing to cry but can’t, I know I am dealing with a dissociated part of myself.

So, when I climbed into the shower, I invited myself to cry, and a distressed alter part came out. I could not produce any tears, but this part wailed loudly. I felt completely separate from this part and had the same internal dialogue I always do – “I am being so dramatic. Who I am being dramatic for? Nobody is here!!” Then, just as suddenly as it started, it went back inside, and I could feel the heaviness in my stomach (where I keep feeling an urge to binge eat to shove it back down).

I invited the part back out, and then another part came. This alter part was absolutely terrified, hyperventilating and completely freaking out. I forced my eyes open and told myself that I am in an adult body and am safe. That drove the part back into my stomach, too.

I couldn’t get either part to come out again, but at least now I know what I am dealing with – more unhealed trauma. Oh, joy!

I invited both parts into a special “room” by my heart that is warm and safe with a door that only opens from the inside. It might take some coaxing for me to “move” these alter parts out of my stomach and stop the urges to binge eat.

Never a dull moment when healing from dissociative identity disorder (DID).

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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AARRGGHH!! Last night was such a rough night. I have had two eating binges in two of the last three days, and I am very frustrated. As you know, I have been working very hard to transform my body into a healthier one, and I was making good progress. However, the last few days are really impeding my progress.

Since I began my body transformation on April 5, I have exercised every single day except for one. On all but four of those days, I exercised for at least an hour (and 45 minutes on the four days that I didn’t). I have been doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes and burning over 400 calories each time. I have been following that up with 15-20 minutes of weight training. There is no question that my body is beginning to transform.

However, I am not going to continue to burn off fat if I am binge eating. I simply cannot work out long enough to burn off that many calories. It is frustrating the h@#$ out of me that I successfully lost 6 lbs. in two weeks, and then it all went to h@#$ as soon as returned to my hometown. (I am tracking anything that throws me off so I can analyze what factors are presenting obstacles to my goals.)

What is really disturbing is that there was nothing I could say or do to make myself stop. It was like this driving force took over and compelled me to do it. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it anyhow. It just occurred to me that perhaps this is an alter part, and that is why I feel “out of control” when I do this. I know it is me and that I am responsible for my own actions, but it sure did not “feel” that way in the moment.

I am going to ask my doctor about a sleeping pill that will help me go back to sleep when I awaken during the night due to nightmares. I don’t think having so little sleep and rest is helping. I have not been able to sleep through the night for weeks unless I am taking prescription medication, and I have used up my stock in the one that works the best. I have lots of over-the-counter stuff to help me get to sleep, but that is not my biggest problem. I jerk awake at 3:00 a.m. flooded with adrenaline, and then I have no hope of falling back to sleep. I am so tired of only getting five or six hours of sleep a night.

A friend texted me last night complaining about a “disturbance in the force,” which is our code for “I am feeling freakishly out of control and don’t know why.” We have concluded that sometimes these “forces” triggering us are bigger than just our own PTSD-warped brains. Did anyone else feel a “disturbance in the force” last night?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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The past few weeks have been rough. I have not been sleeping well for weeks, with lots of nightmares when I can sleep. I finally took some prescription strength medication to get a good night’s rest a couple of nights ago. That moved into me feeling lethargic all day yesterday, like I was fighting off a cold (and maybe I was).

I got a lot of sleep and rest yesterday. Today, I just feel kind of depressed. It’s like I had all of this intensity going from the visit to my hometown, and now that the intensity has passed, it has left a dark pit of depression in its wake. The weird part is that I really thought I was okay while I was in my hometown. Perhaps I was just dissociating?? I don’t know.

It doesn’t help that we have a full moon tonight or that Mother’s Day is approaching, with my mother/abuser coming to my state. She told my sister that she might swing by my house to drop off a video whether I am there or not … should be interesting if hub is home! My son and I will be in another state. We will be gone from Friday evening through Sunday evening, so we will miss her passing through.

I have decided not to acknowledge my mother/abuser in any way for Mother’s Day. I am finished with contact. I wonder if I am dissociating my feelings about all of this. Perhaps a part of me is saddened by this decision?? I don’t know. I just know that she makes me feel crazy, and I am tired of her ability to wield this kind of power over me. I have decided to write “return to sender” on anything she sends me, and I will not be contacting her any more. So, perhaps my funk ties into that??

I don’t know. It is all very annoying. If I have to have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it would be nice to know why I am triggered so I can heal it and move on. I feel like I am trapped in this awful place of feeling pain without knowing why or how to fix it. It is very frustrating.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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I Am So Wiped Out

I am so wiped out, everyone. The last couple of weeks have really taken their toll. My son finally returned to school today after a four-day weekend. I just collapsed in my bed after working out. I watched a TV show and then took a 90-minute nap. I caught up on work and then had to go pick him up. I fell asleep again in a chair while my son was watching TV this afternoon. Yes, I am definitely wiped out.

A friend pointed out that we have the full moon tomorrow night, which might account for some of my issues. I think that visiting my hometown took more out of me than I appreciated. For whatever reason, I have been running on full throttle for weeks, and my body just collapsed today. I plan to go to bed early tonight and try to rest.

I am sorry it is taking me so long to get back to blogging. Please look through my old blog entries. I have covered a lot of topics over the years. I do receive email notifications of all comments posted, even if they are to older blog entries.

Photo credit: Julie Crowley

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My kid had a four-day weekend (off school Friday and Monday), and I had the week from h@#$ last week as far as too much to do and not enough time to do it in. He goes back to school tomorrow (and I do a jig). I hope to get back to blogging then.

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I don’t know what is going on with me. I have been feeling out of sorts for the last couple of days. Part of the problem is that I have too much to do this week and not enough time to do it. My son has no school on Friday or Monday, which means I have two short weeks for getting my work completed. (My work obligations stay the same even when I lose the childcare.) I am also hosting book club at my house on Friday night, which I only do annually. I went out and bought all disposable items (plates, cups, etc.) to keep clean up to a minimum.

I cannot quite pinpoint why I am feeling “off.” Perhaps this is the aftermath of the trip to my hometown, but I haven’t been thinking much about it this week. It might tie into the approach of Mother’s Day, but I really haven’t been thinking about that, either, other than that I am excited about going out of town to see a friend.

I am wondering if I am actually feeling brave in light of my recent successes and am ready to heal another layer of crap. That is likely what is going on. I keep thinking about band camp from my junior year of high and the fact that I have no memories of it at all. And yet, there was this woman at my high school reunion a few years ago who was emphatic about thanking me for being so nice to her at band camp. Seriously, I don’t remember a thing … not even her other than that she used to say hi to me in high school, and I did not have a clue who she was. I am guessing that something traumatizing happened that week, which is why an entire week of my junior year is just “gone.”

I also keep smelling a weird scent – like a cross between talcum powder and something else – but I don’t know what it is. I am guessing this is an olfactory flashback (annoying), but talcum powder has never been triggering to me before.

So, who knows? If I have more crap to deal with, I guess I will have to do it. Oh, joy!

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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Well, I survived my weekend trip to my hometown (where the abuse happened). This trip really drove home how much I have healed over the last two years. I had such as difficult time of it two years ago that I blogged about it for several days and did not return for two years. You can read those blog entries here (scroll to the bottom of the page).

The purpose of this trip was to see my grandmother (father’s mother) one last time. She is very old and in ill health. For all I know, she will linger for years, but I hope not … and I mean that in a loving way. She is so miserable and seems to be sitting around waiting to die but also too scared to let go. That sure seems like a worse hell than the fire and brimstone version.

Back to me … I did surprisingly well. Two years ago, the trip was basically a month-long process – two weeks of freaking out beforehand and then two weeks of recovery afterward. I also slept very little and stayed shaky during the trip. I won’t say that it was perfect this time, but I was much less stressed this time. I was able to enjoy parts of the trip, such as an hour enjoying the sunshine while my son and nephews played at a local park where I played as a child. I was even able to see some of the beauty of my hometown with the gorgeous weather.

I am now less reluctant to return for another visit if my grandmother lingers. However, I also don’t feel obligated to return, either. I feel like I have finally made peace with this part of my life and myself.

On another note, my blogging might be spotty over the next two weeks. My kid has a four-day weekend (off Friday and Monday), which always blows up my work schedule since I lose a full day of work for the next two weeks. Yikes! I will blog as I can.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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