I have thought about the comments that readers have posted about my draft letter to my mother/abuser as well as comments made by my sister and one of my close friends. I have reached the conclusion that I needed to write that letter more than I needed m/a to read it. I needed to know that I had the courage to say what needs to be said, even if m/a will never be in the place to “hear” what I have said.
Unfortunately, m/a is not sane, so she is never going to be able to “receive” any message I send like a sane person would. No matter what I tell her, she is going to hear what she wants to hear. If she was willing and/or capable of respecting boundaries, she would have done so long ago, and there would be no need for me to write her yet another letter explaining the boundaries.
So, what do I do now? At the moment, I do nothing. Silence won’t be misconstrued, although if there is a way to do it, I am sure she will find it. I have a busy enough life that I don’t need to be wasting time trying to construct the “perfect” letter that an insane person will read in the way that it should be read. My sister has relayed the message that I will be out of town on Mother’s Day weekend (when m/a will be in a nearby city visiting with relatives), so there is no urgency on my end to write to her.
Thank you for helping me work this out. I am proud of myself for writing the draft letter, and I am reassured that I am not too weak to confront her. This breakdown of communication is not because I am not strong enough to say what needs to be said. The problem is on her end – an inability to “hear.”
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
Yep! you are absolutely right!
Faith,
I’m glad you worked it out. I didn’t respond before, but I’ve been following this. I can empathize with trying to “talk” to someone who never gets it. My family and my wife’s never really “get” what were are going through (never mentioned DID specifically, just that we are struggling) and they wouldn’t even be considered “insane.” I guess it’s just so far out of their realm of experience that they have no reference point.
Blessings.
Good for you! Sometimes, those letters are just so that we can write and rewrite them until we have found a way to bring out all the pain in our hearts and say it the way we feel it. I’ve written many w/o the intention of ever sending them.
I know it is hard when you have something that you want to be heard/understood so badly, but then have to struggle through the decision of whether to actually going through with the desired communication. It is not wrong to want to communicate those things you so much desire. It comes down to more of an issue of would it be effective (i.e would you get what you need out of it). That means that first you must be able to discern what your need is, and whether the other person is likely to be able to fulfill it.
It sounds like you have made a decision at least for now. There may come a tme when it will be exactly the right time to write a letter of some sort to your mom, but then it will not be as a result of being triggered, it will be from a clearer place of self-definition without “needing” her to react in one way or another.
Congratulations though on being able to write a letter to your mom that said the things you wanted to be able to say. Knowing you can say them is the most important part.
I smiled when I read the title of this post. Good Effort! I am proud of you. And learning much. Thank you
You know that song called Life is Sweet? I think it’s Sarah McClaughlin (augh cant spell the name). When you say she cannot hear it. It reminds me of this song.
The letter writing was good. If one day the situation presents itself, you will be better prepared, and be able to say/write what you need to.
You are strong and you deserve everything beautiful.
Only the best wishes for you Faith,
Palucci
actually its natalie merchant, a song about a lot of things but one is the mother. ‘…prisoner of what she cannot see’…
Writing is always good in my opinion.
One day I had to just let go of my birth family. They had to be my past. So I wrote my brother and said unless we could work this out with a counselor we could no longer communicate. All the other family members fell to his side. So my birth family is gone from me.
That hole is there all of the time. But it gets smaller as I grow the family of me now. It is sometimes hard to understand that my ancestors will now be me. My girls get it, my husband gets it, but it still, at times, can drag me low.
My experience is that my birth family would rather be delusional than in the real information. Their denial is their journey. My coming to grips with the truth is mine.
Do I miss them. Every now and then it is heart debilitating.
I didn’t write when you wrote the letter because that step is personal and unique. But now that you have moved away from that moment and are on to the next, I am glad for you. Your birth family gave you the gift of life but not much else. I’ve learned to love that second when I was conceived and let go of the hours of torment that followed – most days now.
Take care of yourself. My heart tells me that your family will do what mine has done – all they can do to protect themselves. I do not enter into their picture at all. Esther
I really hate to quote Dr Phil but sometimes he does make sense here goes…”What are YOU getting out of this “relationship” with your mom? There has to be a payoff for you or you just wouldn’t do it.” “People just don’t do things that don’t pay out for them in some way”
I do not mean the above statement in a malicious or rude way just a thought provoking healing way.
Take gentle care…You’ve come so far!
[…] faithallen @ 6:46 am Tags: Dr. Phil, Why not cut ties with abuser? On my blog entry entitled Letter was for Me, Not Mother/Abuser, a reader asked me the following question: I really hate to quote Dr Phil but sometimes he does […]