Oh, the irony. We just spent yesterday talking about my mother/abuser (m/a), and then I got a letter in the mail from her in the afternoon. I was torn about whether to read it at all, so I decided to skim it. It did wig me out, but I am grateful that I read it because, as painful as it was, I finally saw the manipulation in it.
First of all, I have told her several times that she is not to write about reconciliation, and yet she did it again, just as she did in her last letter. Second, even though my sister told her that I would be out of town on the weekend that she is planning to visit relatives in a nearby city (over Mother’s Day weekend, no less), m/a asked about me meeting her along the Interstate to pick up an item from her, which leads to point #3.
Third, my sister told m/a that I would like to see a video of some fool thing that she has been doing. (Too long of a story to go into.) I said it to my sister because I would laugh my tail off at m/a looking incredibly stupid, but m/a took it to mean that this is something I really care about getting. M/a’s letter wants me to meet her along the interstate to pick up the DVD she had made for me. Of course, mailing a DVD is dirt cheap. This is a carrot.
And, finally, we have a lie that she is dating some guy, who she has specifically told my sister is “just a friend” and that she has no intention of dating. Why lie about it? My guess is that this is a manipulation as well. She has not dated since my father passed away back in the 1980’s, and maybe she is hoping that a dating story will pull me back in. It won’t.
I thought about putting the letter back in the envelope and writing “Return to Sender,” but I ripped it when I opened it, so she will know that I read it. I have decided that any further letters will get “Return to Sender,” and I will not open them. I never feel like I have the option of not reading a letter she sends, so this will be huge for me. As for Mother’s Day weekend – I will be out of the state, so it won’t be my problem. If she does choose to drop by, I guess hub will have to deal with her, which will be quite amusing.
There is truly not one ounce of me that feels grateful for this correspondence. I hyperventilated and got a bad headache. That is the little girl inside of me saying, “Enough!”
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
No matter how much I’ve learned about my mother, every occasional contact I have with her leaves me with a flicker of hope that maybe, just maybe, this time she’ll be different. I am always disappointed, but that flicker of hope persists all the same.
It sounds like you have come to a good place of resolve in yourself about what is right for you. Since I don’t know the history of your mom’s attempts to find reconciliation with you, I don’t know if she has ever been upfront and owned her role in abusing you- which I would think that kind of affirmation/validation is more of what you would need, than just an attempt to reconcile. When I think about someone being manipulative, I often wonder if the manipulative things that they are doing are simply the only way they know how to function. So even if your mom just truly desires reconcilation, it would be clear that she hasn’t grown and changed enough to be safe to you. It is also clear that the sense of trauma you have over even receiving a letter from her (which I understand very well- that desire to not risk feeling anymore hurt and retraumatization), says that you are also quite clear about the fact that communication with her is just too much of a risk for you right now, You know what is best for you, and at this point that is what matters. Who knows if you will ever desire reconciliation, but if you ever do, you will not have to question it at that time because it will come from a desire deep inside of you. It will not have to do with what someone else thinks or wants, and it won’t be because you are trying to fulfill some sense of duty. Congratulations on finding a place of resolve for yourself. Hopefully it will ease your mind, and allow you not to have to put so much energy into the dissonance you have felt about the relationship with your mom.
I know the feeling. Elaine, its like you hit the nail on the head when you say how someone may want to restart a relationship and has tried to change but just hasn’t changed enough to be safe around.
A few weeks ago I allowed my mother an inch of room when she tried to communicate with me for the first time in 3 years. She took a mile and abused it and I had to tell me not to ever contact me again. If she does again, its going to be hard from me to “return to sender”. Its like a bug drawn to a bug light. You know it will hurt you, but you still head towards the light, then ZAP!
I got some aromatherapy oil and a massage afterwards. It helped a bunch.
[…] I must say that I have impressed myself with my ability to stay on target because this has been a rough week emotionally. In addition to the nightmares, I was triggered by seeing a picture of Russian nesting dolls and receiving a letter from my mother/abuser. […]