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Archive for April 29th, 2010

AARRGGHH!! Last night was such a rough night. I have had two eating binges in two of the last three days, and I am very frustrated. As you know, I have been working very hard to transform my body into a healthier one, and I was making good progress. However, the last few days are really impeding my progress.

Since I began my body transformation on April 5, I have exercised every single day except for one. On all but four of those days, I exercised for at least an hour (and 45 minutes on the four days that I didn’t). I have been doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes and burning over 400 calories each time. I have been following that up with 15-20 minutes of weight training. There is no question that my body is beginning to transform.

However, I am not going to continue to burn off fat if I am binge eating. I simply cannot work out long enough to burn off that many calories. It is frustrating the h@#$ out of me that I successfully lost 6 lbs. in two weeks, and then it all went to h@#$ as soon as returned to my hometown. (I am tracking anything that throws me off so I can analyze what factors are presenting obstacles to my goals.)

What is really disturbing is that there was nothing I could say or do to make myself stop. It was like this driving force took over and compelled me to do it. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it anyhow. It just occurred to me that perhaps this is an alter part, and that is why I feel “out of control” when I do this. I know it is me and that I am responsible for my own actions, but it sure did not “feel” that way in the moment.

I am going to ask my doctor about a sleeping pill that will help me go back to sleep when I awaken during the night due to nightmares. I don’t think having so little sleep and rest is helping. I have not been able to sleep through the night for weeks unless I am taking prescription medication, and I have used up my stock in the one that works the best. I have lots of over-the-counter stuff to help me get to sleep, but that is not my biggest problem. I jerk awake at 3:00 a.m. flooded with adrenaline, and then I have no hope of falling back to sleep. I am so tired of only getting five or six hours of sleep a night.

A friend texted me last night complaining about a “disturbance in the force,” which is our code for “I am feeling freakishly out of control and don’t know why.” We have concluded that sometimes these “forces” triggering us are bigger than just our own PTSD-warped brains. Did anyone else feel a “disturbance in the force” last night?

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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