AARRGGHH!! Last night was such a rough night. I have had two eating binges in two of the last three days, and I am very frustrated. As you know, I have been working very hard to transform my body into a healthier one, and I was making good progress. However, the last few days are really impeding my progress.
Since I began my body transformation on April 5, I have exercised every single day except for one. On all but four of those days, I exercised for at least an hour (and 45 minutes on the four days that I didn’t). I have been doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes and burning over 400 calories each time. I have been following that up with 15-20 minutes of weight training. There is no question that my body is beginning to transform.
However, I am not going to continue to burn off fat if I am binge eating. I simply cannot work out long enough to burn off that many calories. It is frustrating the h@#$ out of me that I successfully lost 6 lbs. in two weeks, and then it all went to h@#$ as soon as returned to my hometown. (I am tracking anything that throws me off so I can analyze what factors are presenting obstacles to my goals.)
What is really disturbing is that there was nothing I could say or do to make myself stop. It was like this driving force took over and compelled me to do it. I didn’t want to do it, but I did it anyhow. It just occurred to me that perhaps this is an alter part, and that is why I feel “out of control” when I do this. I know it is me and that I am responsible for my own actions, but it sure did not “feel” that way in the moment.
I am going to ask my doctor about a sleeping pill that will help me go back to sleep when I awaken during the night due to nightmares. I don’t think having so little sleep and rest is helping. I have not been able to sleep through the night for weeks unless I am taking prescription medication, and I have used up my stock in the one that works the best. I have lots of over-the-counter stuff to help me get to sleep, but that is not my biggest problem. I jerk awake at 3:00 a.m. flooded with adrenaline, and then I have no hope of falling back to sleep. I am so tired of only getting five or six hours of sleep a night.
A friend texted me last night complaining about a “disturbance in the force,” which is our code for “I am feeling freakishly out of control and don’t know why.” We have concluded that sometimes these “forces” triggering us are bigger than just our own PTSD-warped brains. Did anyone else feel a “disturbance in the force” last night?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I know that feeling of having some force beyond my control propelling me…. it’s most disturbing. Still struggle with that myself. Thank God it passes though. (eventually)
I’m not sure I felt the force disturbance, however, most everyone I’ve ever met that has been a sas has been very very very sensitive to vibrations or forces…. they are either psychic or can pick up on subtleties in energy shifts that others around them can’t. So, it could be that you may be very tuned in to energetic activities…? Which can turn out to be a very GOOD thing, if you learn how to manage it. (I cannot!)
I have an energy problem with people in that I naturally absorb their energy and feel it strongly. I have to consciously remind myself not to…. I go so far as to not wear black or darker colors that are more likely to attract/absorb those energies. (Works the same as sunlight, the lighter colors are more reflective and darker colors absorb the energy more)
You’ve been working so hard Faith, don’t give up! You’re doing great!! Just keep going, you can do it.
Peace,
mia
YES!!! Wow, we had a powerful migraine…so intense something happened that hasn’t happened in SOOO long. an inside kid was out on her own–we FINALLY got her to listen to us so we could comfort her and slowly slip her back in. Lasted like 3 hours…full moon last night you know…
Definitely. Last night was bad news. Something with the moon, maybe? I was so triggered; it was unreal.
The night you speak of was a rough one of the three hour sleep then not tired the next day variety.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen. Faith Allen said: Bad Night – Binge Eating https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/04/29/bad-night-%E2%80%93-binge-eating/ […]
Sorry to hear this… It was the NEXT night for me that was utterly horrible.
Hi:
I often fall too and mess up weeks of work. I struggle with bulimia, binge eating, and restrictive eating (and excessive exercise). I do it all! (almost). 🙂
I really liked what you said in another post about not degrading yourself. I do this and am not doing it now. It feels really different. For a while, I just couldn’t lose weight without. I lost about 190 pounds by telling myself every morning at 5 a.m. that I HAD to get up because I was just fat fat fat.
Without that “motivation” I lost interest. I gained thirty pounds. That combined with six months of depressions off and on and dealing with trauma and other life stuff – that made that happen. I was going up and down 20-25 pounds every other month or so.
Anyway, now I see a dietitian which is really helping me. I go every week and must log all my food – everything that goes in my mouth. Even if it’s just one grape. I also have to write down my thoughts and feelings or what was going down with everything I ate. She goes over every meal ever single week. It is very helpful because things are getting better. I am learning to separate out feelings from eating (imagine!) As in, “you were depressed, but you felt those feelings. Eating and depression are two separate things. One has nothing to do with the other.”
Anyway, have you thought about seeing a dietitian who works with eating disorders? I avoided this for a while because I wanted to do it on my own – my way. I saw her briefly last year but thought she was crazy because of all the food she had me eating. So I did it my way. Well, my way didn’t work and my weight fluctuations were potentially damaging my organs. So my way doesn’t work so now I am doing it her way. I actually feel better and stronger. Imagine! She with all of her degrees and certificates knowing more than me! Ha. My way was kind of really wrong. Alternating between tight diet and careful control and then getting depressed and eating cupcakes.
Anyway, what do you think? Do you think that would help you too?
Peace.