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Archive for April 30th, 2010

I think I have a better idea about what is going on with me now. When I left the gym this morning, I felt a very strong need to cry, but no tears would come. This is an odd thing for me because for most of my life, I could cry at the drop of a hat. Whenever I feel this heaviness of needing to cry but can’t, I know I am dealing with a dissociated part of myself.

So, when I climbed into the shower, I invited myself to cry, and a distressed alter part came out. I could not produce any tears, but this part wailed loudly. I felt completely separate from this part and had the same internal dialogue I always do – “I am being so dramatic. Who I am being dramatic for? Nobody is here!!” Then, just as suddenly as it started, it went back inside, and I could feel the heaviness in my stomach (where I keep feeling an urge to binge eat to shove it back down).

I invited the part back out, and then another part came. This alter part was absolutely terrified, hyperventilating and completely freaking out. I forced my eyes open and told myself that I am in an adult body and am safe. That drove the part back into my stomach, too.

I couldn’t get either part to come out again, but at least now I know what I am dealing with – more unhealed trauma. Oh, joy!

I invited both parts into a special “room” by my heart that is warm and safe with a door that only opens from the inside. It might take some coaxing for me to “move” these alter parts out of my stomach and stop the urges to binge eat.

Never a dull moment when healing from dissociative identity disorder (DID).

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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