*******trigger warning – mother/daughter sexual abuse*******
My mother sexually abused my sister and me on a regular basis from toddlerhood until I was around six years old. It was mostly oral sex with me being forced both to give and receive it. She was a stay-at-home mom, so she had access to my sister and me 24/7 until I started school.
I was plagued with a recurring nightmare of disembodied hands like “Thing” on “The Addams Family.” I would be running down the hallways of our house, and hands would reach out to grab me from the floor, walls, and ceiling. I have come to realize that this was about my mother, whose hands both reached out to nurture me (feed me, bathe me, etc.) and to harm me. I never knew which version I was going to get, so her hands terrorized me.
School is what saved me and gave me the hope of a better life. Up until I started school, my life experience was an absentee dad (he was a workaholic who wasn’t around much and irritable when he was) and a sexually abusive mom. It would not have occurred to me to tell anyone about what was going on because I did not know any differently. My therapist says that my mother must have communicated a threat to remain silent in some fashion because it is not developmentally appropriate for a young child to keep a secret. I have no memory of her threatening me, but most of what I remember about the abuse came in flashbacks.
Before experiencing flashbacks, I had very few memories of either parent. I cannot recall my mother’s face from childhood other than through flashback. I remember many things “about” her, such as being angry with her for saying no to something that I wanted to do. However, I cannot recall one non-flashback memory of either parent’s face (other than what I have seen in photographs) until I was a teenager.
School was my saving grace. My pre-K teacher took me under her wing and was so kind to me. I credit my teachers for saving my life because they were the ones who gave me the hope of there being kindness and safe love in the world.
My mother stopped sexually abusing me when I was around six years old because my father walked in on her doing it one time. My memory is from the vantage point of the ceiling. My father walked in on us in my bedroom. He yelled, “What the hell?” Then, he sternly told me to go back to bed. The sexual abuse ended that abruptly.
My mother clearly has a mental illness, so I never know for sure what is true or what is not. However, she has told me multiple times that my father starting pushing her to do a three-way around this time, and she considered it. (I believe she more than considered it, which I will get into later.) I suspect that my father saw her sexual abuse as an interest in bisexuality.
I credit my father for stopping the sexual abuse. I hold him accountable for doing nothing to heal it. I received no therapy. We had no talks about what had happened. My father was an up-and-coming professional whose career would have been ruined by being married to a pedophile, so he sacrificed my sister and me to keep his reputation (and his wife’s) intact. He also continued to leave us in her care while he was working 60 hours a week. I have had to do a lot of healing work because my father was both my “savior” and my betrayer.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I was plagued with a recurring nightmare of disembodied hands like “Thing” on “The Addams Family.” I would be running down the hallways of our house, and hands would reach out to grab me from the floor, walls, and ceiling. I have come to realize that this was about my mother, whose hands both reached out to nurture me (feed me, bathe me, etc.) and to harm me. I never knew which version I was going to get, so her hands terrorized me.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen. Faith Allen said: Faith Allen’s Story – Momster https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/05/07/faith-allen%E2%80%99s-story-%E2%80%93-momster/ […]
Thank you for sharing your painful story – I am so grateful to find other voices that validate my pain and help me to heal. I laud your courage.
Life should not have to be so painful and confusing. You are nothing short of a miracle Faith.
Many blessings,
mia
Thank you both.
Mia — That is what my therapist calls me — a walking miracle. :0)
I am just warming up here. If this had been the only abuse I suffered, I don’t think I would have been nearly as messed up.
– Faith
You really are.
your story is helping me with my own past….thank you for putting it out there for those of us who have similar paths but have been too scared to admit it.
barbi
Your story is very familiar to me. Although I was blessed to not have to have gone through the things that you and many others have, I have heard so many detailed stories of what has gone on in some people’s lives. I wish more people were at a place they could share their own stories because without that others who have gone through similar things just don’t know it has happened to someone else, so they at some sense remain in isolation and shame. I know though that the time to share is a developmental one, and no one can do that until they are ready, Although it is not my place to share the stories that I have heard from others, I can tell you that I have heard things that have led me to openly cry, and to develop such great respect and admiration for those who have survived such relentless torture. It has also been true that most of the people I know that have had such stories to tell did become multiple to survive- an amazing skill of survival.
I understand. Makes me think of my parents. ********Triggers. When I was about 19, my mom was on one of her weird dunks. She was chasing me around the house. My dad was drunk in the kitchen. I was yelling for her to please get away from me. We ran right past my dad, who was oblivious. I made it to the bathroom but so did she, she stuck her arm through the door then pulled it out. I got the door closed and locked. I won. But I was panicking. I felt like a caged wild animal. I wanted to scream and rip my face off. I dont think I realized that at this point I was fully grown and could probably kick her fat ass. She sat outside the bathroom door waiting for me. She was masterbating. How did I know? I just knew. There’s no question. Finally after what seemed like a long time, my dad found her. The tone of his voice was like what the f? He scolded her and pulled her away from the door. I remember thinking both, its about time and also, why now? why do you care now? He had quit abusing me at some point when I was a child. He started to change, I think he felt guilty, after my first suicide attempt at 17. He died when I was 24. My mother is still alive and will probably live forever.
***** sorry for the writing.
Thank you for all you give here. I know its healing for you too, but you alse help me heal as well.
((((Faith))))
Only the best wishes for you.
palucci.
Sending a safe hug and blessings for you too Palucci.
Peace,
mia
Thank you (((Mia)))
Faith,
This is the first time I have responded to one of your posts although I have read many of them. Thank you for sharing your story. I understand that it is a frightening and overwhelming thing to do. Reading your story is helpful to me. I identify with what you wrote about not being able to “see” your mom or dad’s face from growing up years. I am the same way. I do not remember their faces. I do not remember any verbal interaction with them from childhood. I do not remember a single birthday until I was a junior in high school. My mom had schizophrenia. My father is a pedophile. I remember abuse as a teen. I remember a few memories of my mom being abused by my father when I was a child. But I feel like I have lost swaths of my childhood. And maybe it is normal. I have physical reactions I cannot explain and I wonder if it is all related to something I cannot remember. I have been diagnosed with DID. I am sorry I have rambled so much. I guess what I want to ask is how did you experience remembering your past? I know books talk about remembering when you are strong enough. I hope my question makes sense.
Thanks again.
Faith Allen's Story ? Momster « Blooming Lotus…
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…
If you wanna get over this pain and trauma i would suggest you do a Google search and look for videos entitled “tapping” and “EFT” these are tried tested and true methods of getting past permanently these traumas i hope you are doing much better!
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To all,
I am in the Masters phase of my Doctorate towards being a Clinical Psychologist and have always had a special interest in Dissociative Identity Disorder and child psychology. I want to thank you all for sharing your lives. I have learned so much just from hearing what you have endured, your current fears, your perspectives on treatments (integration) and your triggers. I tend to experience vicarious traumatization very easily, but it is truly what motivates me to do everything I can to be an asset in some way to individuals like you.
I think you are all amazing to share even the smallest detail of your experiences. You are helping not only yourself heal, but every person who reads your story and realizes that they are truly not alone. Thank you again, so much. You are so strong and my heart, love and prayers for personal peace go out to each of you!
Having known you then and of you now I can say that it is remarkable how God gave you and your sister the strength to perservere. I am so sorry for not knowing what you were going through. I read your story and flashes of your mother’s face come to me and I feel fear. I remember the coldness of your home and how she cared for the millions of dogs but never made us a meal. She was always somewhere in the shadows of the house never communicating with us. When she did it was always some catholic nonsense I did not understand. I slept in that house several times. Of course your father was dead by this time. I cannot find the words to give for how sorry I am that you went through all of this right under my nose. I love how you are telling this story. I love you both so much and am so thankful to God for your coming out of it intact. Keep up your healing.
Thanks, Jen.
Are you my sister’s friend who used to come spend the night? Feel free to email me. My email address is under the “About Faith Allen” tab. I haven’t shared the stuff about the dogs and stuff on this blog (not that I care about you sharing it), so I know that you do know us. :0)
My readers haven’t heard about many of the weird stuff, like momster only purchasing groceries for us when the dogs ran out of food. As long as the dogs were taken care of, we could buck it up. I also haven’t talked about sis and me having to make our own meals and dig through the piles of dirty dishes and wash the stuck-on crud off the dishes so we had a plate to eat off of. :0(
– Faith
Yeah I remember the state of the house. The cool waterfall thing going to the basement. I emailed you.
Be at peace soldier!
hey
i know exactly how you feel after that. I am so sorry to hear your story! This must all be so frightening that we have a hard time believing it happened at all and then dissociate.
I have flash backs of abuse as a child from my mom that started coming a few moths ago… then more complex trauma for years from someone else.
😦
i feel you.
I still find it hard to believe that someone’s own biological parents would sexually abuse them, yet,…. my own biological father raped me and threatened me that he would kill me if I ever told. He also seuxally abused my other siblings. My father was a college educated man whom everyone “loved” or so I thought. My mother was a college educated woman who, although she won’t admit, suffered greatly by his mental abuse. I don’t know if
he ever sexually abused her. Probably, seeing as he
abused his own children. We went to church every week, and both parents were involved in the church. We lived in an upper class neightborhood. My fahter, at one point before marriage, had said he wanted to be a priest. I am still going to counseling, after 30 years of being in counseling, because I was too ashamed to really deal with the issues. I always pretended to be okay, to be happy, in front of my therapists. I finally met someone who specialized in DID and have been with her 2 years. I don’t know if I will ever integrate fully and sometimes believe that it may not be possible. However, I believe I will be okay one day. And most of all, at peace.
I lived in that house for 19 years, and I’ve suffered immensely since then. I pray that one day it will all be over, and I can say that I lived through hell. I hope to tell my story one day but don’t know if I would ever have the gutts. I hope to help people somehow, even if it is through this brief story. I pray that reads this will not give up.
Still reading your story Faith, you magnificently brave and inspiring woman !
just started reading and your words have hit a nerve with me, the disembodied hands thing, I also had that nightmare, I dont know how old you are, (I was born in 1960 in London UK) do you think this could be some kind of cultural memory, maybe a frightening tv show or something that was around at the time?
I have only recently, after a lifetime of therapy, had a revelation of some pre verbal abuse and it has left me reeling, I am still unsure whether to believe it or not, but I cannot explain the feelings, I cannot explain the fear, the tightness in my stomach, the feeling I will vomit and the way I simply cannot find the words to explain what and why to my therapist as it happens, it terrifies me.
Thank you Faith…..I have dealt with this so long on my own and you are helping me heal! I will keep you and all the other survivors in my prayers….This is a demon I dealt with and have overcome but the pain and memories and fear are still laying in the dark. Especially with the nightmares. I wish you and your sister the best in life and applaud you for comming out with your stories it takes a very brave strong person to talk about the things you do.
I had a dream I found out I got raped by my dad when I was 7 (ironically, my lucky number is 7) I was at the doctors when they told me, and they saw a lot of light bleeding,(and that does happen to me sometimes, im not a virgin any more, lost it to my boyfriend a while back, but like you said, sometimes I light bleed.) I always asked myself if my dad ever touched or raped me when I was younger, even more now. Im in highschool. In the dream, my mom knew, and told the doctors about when I was 7, I asked her what happened, she told me. I wanna ask her, she’s downstairs in her room, but I’m too scared…I need help. I have flashbacks of me being in my parents bedroom, and one of my parents touching me, but I think it’s just all in my head. Faith, is there any way we can communicate?