*******trigger warning – female offender sexual-abuse*******
Momster and my father never had any friends, so I was never appropriately socialized. I never went on play dates with other children. I mostly played with my sister and watched TV during the early years.
When I was around 7, my mother suddenly had a group of women to hang around with. I suspect that this was all part of the cult grooming, which I will get into later. Each of these women sexually abused me. They simply picked up where my mother left off.
E was the mother of a kid who was a year ahead of me in school. One day, I was supposed to walk home from school with E’s kid and her friends so E could babysit me. I was 7. I was very excited to be hanging out with older kids – heck, to be hanging out with any kids. E rushed me downstairs as soon as I got there and told the other kids that I had just wet my pants, which was a lie. She turned on the shower and took out a butcher knife. She laid the knife down within her reach, told me to undress, and got naked herself. She took a shower with me and sexually abused me. This was the first time that someone other than my mother had done this to me, and it cut me deeply. It taught me that nobody was safe.
I begged my parents for piano lessons, so my mother set me up with another one of her new friends, B. B had a daughter my age who had a Baby Alive, and I really wanted one myself. One day, instead of giving me a piano lesson, B told me that she had bought me my own Baby Alive. It was in her bedroom, and I should follow her there. She led me into a large walk-in closet with two doors – one leading to the hallway, which we entered, and one leading to the bedroom, which she locked behind her when she exited, leaving me in the dark closet alone. I fumbled back to the other door, and it was locked as well. I panicked, not understanding what was happening. B returned and sexually abused me. She also commented upon my prowess in performing oral sex on her.
Well into adulthood, I was plagued with a recurring nightmare that followed this sequence of events. Someone I trusted would lead me through a door into a small room and then exit a second door. The second door would be locked. I would run to the first door, and it would be locked as well. I would go into a complete panic. Sometimes I would wake up before anything happened. Other times, huge men would come rape me. It wasn’t until I recovered this memory that I stopped being plagued by this nightmare.
From that day forward, I have hated dolls.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
How could so many adults have betrayed one little innocent child? I will say it again, YOU are nothing short of a full blown MIRACLE!
I’m so glad you made it through those times and are here now, and healing.
Much safe love and admiration,
mia
Hi, Mia.
I struggled with the same question many times. I saw myself as the common denominator — that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that “attracted” abusers. To this day, I dress frumpy because I don’t want to “attract” more abuse.
– Faith
That’s understandable. I do that with shirts. I wear really baggy Tees alot because my boobs always attracted unwanted attention. One day a friend gave me a hug and then said… ” Oh my God, you’re not fat, you just have big boobs!” Kind of funny!
Seriously, I can see how a child would think that, and it makes me so sad. It all comes down to your mom and who she allowed to care for you. I wonder if this is part of “grooming” or to break the person’s will from the inside. Regardless, I’m sorry you had to question yourself like that when you should have been having fun and playing with friends..
Peace,
mia
Mia / Faith
I have been struggling with this same question recently (I came back to this post knowing it had been commented on here). I was sexually abused by my uncle for several years (circa ages five – 10), but recall ‘only’ one gang rape. Like you say, Faith, it feels like the victim is the common denominator and is somehow responsible for ‘uniting’ the perpetrators.
I am struggling with this issue a lot at the moment. I can read this and know that you were not in any responsible, and know rationally that neither was I – but I still feel like I was. Like yourselves, I’ve taken measures to stop potential threats being attracted to me.
I really don’t know why I am leaving this comment; it doesn’t add anything to your story. But I suppose I just felt some empathy here, and it felt safe to share a part of my story with people who would understand.
Anyhow, lots of warm wishes to both of you, and thank you Faith for your ever-excellent, inspiring writing.
Take care
Pandora x
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen. Faith Allen said: Faith’s Story Momster’s Friends https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/05/10/faith-allen%E2%80%99s-story-%E2%80%93-momster%E2%80%99s-friends/ […]
It was fundamental to me to face that I feared I deserved all this. How horrible with that be?
I was often told I was good at performing sexual acts. When I was a prostitute I was called the Golden boy.
I learned the more I pleased the less danger of them getting angry. If one that paid to abuse me was not harsh it was in my best interest to have them back. Easier on me than someone new.
If I could I would make you the most beautiful doll ever. I would make it with my own hands. It would look just like you.
Faith Allen's Story ? Momster's Friends « Blooming Lotus…
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…
[…] abuse. S was the groomer, and I suspect that she is the one who hooked my mother up with these women who sexually abused me. She insinuated herself and L into our lives. They lured my father in with the hopes of advancing […]
Oh boy,
at least my mother didn’t do anything to me, or so I hope. I am so sad for you, I am so very sorry… I cry with you.
[…] Next […]
Every installment of your story is helping me to deal with my own abuse history. But just the same, I feel so bitterly outraged about what happened to you.
I am also livid at reading that little bit of what life was like for MFF.
I really don’t know how to start my question or comment or statement or whatever. my husband found this for me
I’ve been struggling for so many year with so many different situations.
From ages 4-12 I was abused by my moms boyfriend at the time. He would throw me up against walls throw plates at my head gave me a couple black eyes(5 I had my first black eye) so many other instance but who cares. I remember around that same age I was waiting for a story to be read by him and he didn’t want to bt did anyways. He was hurrying to do so. There’s two diferent stories to this ONE story. I barely remember. Felt as if I were being touched but I was dreaming. I remember in the dream he made me smell my hands and he got pised for some reason. Then I remember being awake and him actually getting mad at me and HE smelled my hands and told me to go wash them. I came back into the room and he tucked me in and kissed my forehead and I fell asleep.
I’m sorry if I’m all over the place. I don’t remember a lot of things.
I would always dream about him doing things to me. I would pray to God, as a kid, that I would have these dreams because I liked the feeling I would. When I think about it now it seemed so real. I would experience these tingly sensations a lot. I don’t know if he actually ever done these things because they alway seemed like really real dream. I hope you can understand what I’m trying to explain.
I caught him with his pants down one time coming out of the bathroom and my sister was on the bed half naked. He asked my sister if she liked his whipped cream. I was 6-7 at the time and she’s 6 yrs older than myself. I reember another time I caught him with his hand underneath my sisters blanker and her butt was moving up and down and I can hear my sister sobbing. He looked bac at me and can by and rubbed my head and said everything was fine go back to sleep. That same I did fall asleep and had on of those same dreams and had this tingly sensation. Mind you id wake up with wet panties.
One time he beat me up so bad….he punched me in the back of my head and picked me up by my arm and threw me into the wall. At that point I guess I blacked out..I just remember waking up the next morning and my whole body and insides were sore. They hurt badly. My sister was touching my bruises and telling my mom things I don’t remember. I don’t know what happened
I remember experiencing those tingly sensations down there since a little girl. I touched myself a lot. I would grind on mirrors floors beds my hands and pillows just to get that sensation. I used to hate it when I would see or hear my sister with him. I would wish and hope he would be like that with me. I wanted it so badly I hated my sister for it.
When I was 11 I went into his room because I was afraid of the thunderstorm. He held me really close and got a hard on. Then I didn’t know what that was but he started pushing it closer to me and just I guess humped me you can say. Uuuhh I guess I don’t know….I don’t want to sound gross but I got a tingly sensation from that and tried to run out. When I got up to leave he grabbed me to stay but I got away
I have more things that happened but I can barely open up about this.
I just don’t know what’s real or not. I know it happened but I don’t know. I’m so confused and lost I don’t know what to think. I sometimes we’ll most of the time I feel like I’m still this yound girl. i
Get weird sex fantasies weird urges I’m still suicidal I have a husband a great one and a 1 yr old daughter.
I can’t live the life I want to. I feel like I’m so apart from my body and soul at times. I can’t focus sometimes. I don’t know what to. I tried therapy ad I just get pissed angry….then I’m stuck I won’t say shit….
Tell me what it is. I feel so gross ashamed hurt resentful you namei feel it.
Worthless
My parents abused me every way but sexually. Since adolesence, I keep getting into these relationships where my girlfriends or friends abuse me. I figured out a long time ago that the abuser is my “type”. Wouldn’t know what to do with a friend or girlfriend who didn’t hit me or who took no for an answer for sex because I don’t know how to play the role of having my rights respected. I’m meeting women online but haven’t gone out with any because none have been abusive except the hooker who took my money western union. I’ll never meet her. I’m not that stupid. I have agonizing tactile halucinations. I still expect anybody to be some sort of psycho who is going to tie me down and go Dr. Joseph Mengele on me. I don’t want to trigger you so that’s all I will describe. I would like to contact you Faith. My name is David and my email is fretolity@yahoo.com.
Hi, David.
My email address is provided on the “About Faith” tab. :0)
~ Faith
I feel so bad for you 😦 Be strong, none of this is your fault.