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Archive for May 11th, 2010

*******trigger warning – sexual and ritual abuse *******

A large part of my story centers around S & L, who were my most sadistic abusers. If my parents’ paths had never crossed this vile couple, my life story would be very different. By the time I was ~ 6 years old, my father had gotten my mother to stop sexually abusing me, and I was learning through school that there were adults who were kind and could be trusted. If S & L had never entered the picture, I suspect my diagnosis would have been dissociative identity disorder – not otherwise specific (DD-NOS) because I had split off numerous personality fragments to hold the memories and emotions from the trauma of my mother sexually abusing me. I would have been messed up, but not to the degree that I was/am.

S (wife) and L (husband) were our next-door neighbors who never had a thing to do with us until they put their house on the market and moved to a larger, more secluded house a few miles away. For the first six years of my life, my parents had no friends whatsoever. My father went to work (including on the weekends), and my mother stayed at home with us either abusing my sister and me or ignoring us. Then, out of the blue, S & L were inseparable from my parents.

L was the vice president of a subsidiary of a very large and well-known company in a large metropolitan city, so my father probably initially latched onto him in the hopes of advancing his career. S was simply a b@#$%. They had three grown children – two in college and one in high school. My sister was ~ 4, and I was ~ 6 when this ghastly friendship began.

I became so fragmented inside that it is difficult for me to tell the story linearly, but I will do the best that I can. Suffice it to say that S & L brought a whole new level of abuse into my life – ritual abuse. S was the groomer, and I suspect that she is the one who hooked my mother up with these women who sexually abused me. She insinuated herself and L into our lives. They lured my father in with the hopes of advancing his career.

I also suspect that they were “swingers” with my parents because we went over to their new house a lot … I mean, a lot, a lot. I have few memories of being with my parents in my own house during my elementary years, but I have more memories than I can count of being at their house. Considering that my parents had no interest whatsoever in having friends until this vile couple came along, and considering how much time they spent together upstairs while telling my sister and me to “go play” in the basement, I strongly suspect that they were having wife swapping or group sex. This also makes sense in light of my father’s supposed interest in three-ways and his inaccurate belief that my mother’s sexual abuse of me was indicative of lesbian inclinations.

OK – I have set the stage. Tomorrow I will dive in. Brace yourself. It is a long and twisted ride.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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