*******trigger warning – sexual and ritual abuse *******
A large part of my story centers around S & L, who were my most sadistic abusers. If my parents’ paths had never crossed this vile couple, my life story would be very different. By the time I was ~ 6 years old, my father had gotten my mother to stop sexually abusing me, and I was learning through school that there were adults who were kind and could be trusted. If S & L had never entered the picture, I suspect my diagnosis would have been dissociative identity disorder – not otherwise specific (DD-NOS) because I had split off numerous personality fragments to hold the memories and emotions from the trauma of my mother sexually abusing me. I would have been messed up, but not to the degree that I was/am.
S (wife) and L (husband) were our next-door neighbors who never had a thing to do with us until they put their house on the market and moved to a larger, more secluded house a few miles away. For the first six years of my life, my parents had no friends whatsoever. My father went to work (including on the weekends), and my mother stayed at home with us either abusing my sister and me or ignoring us. Then, out of the blue, S & L were inseparable from my parents.
L was the vice president of a subsidiary of a very large and well-known company in a large metropolitan city, so my father probably initially latched onto him in the hopes of advancing his career. S was simply a b@#$%. They had three grown children – two in college and one in high school. My sister was ~ 4, and I was ~ 6 when this ghastly friendship began.
I became so fragmented inside that it is difficult for me to tell the story linearly, but I will do the best that I can. Suffice it to say that S & L brought a whole new level of abuse into my life – ritual abuse. S was the groomer, and I suspect that she is the one who hooked my mother up with these women who sexually abused me. She insinuated herself and L into our lives. They lured my father in with the hopes of advancing his career.
I also suspect that they were “swingers” with my parents because we went over to their new house a lot … I mean, a lot, a lot. I have few memories of being with my parents in my own house during my elementary years, but I have more memories than I can count of being at their house. Considering that my parents had no interest whatsoever in having friends until this vile couple came along, and considering how much time they spent together upstairs while telling my sister and me to “go play” in the basement, I strongly suspect that they were having wife swapping or group sex. This also makes sense in light of my father’s supposed interest in three-ways and his inaccurate belief that my mother’s sexual abuse of me was indicative of lesbian inclinations.
OK – I have set the stage. Tomorrow I will dive in. Brace yourself. It is a long and twisted ride.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen. Faith Allen said: My Most Sadistic Abusers https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2010/05/11/faith-allen%E2%80%99s-story-%E2%80%93-s-l-my-most-sadistic-abusers/ […]
Faith, thank you so much for choosing to share. I hope one day, after alot more healing…we might be able to do the same rather than in fragments.
Blessings for you…
ang et al
Faith,
It is so hard to read this as I’m sure it is to write and remember. It is so important though, and I just want you to know I honor your spirit and your will to overcome and shine… and you do.
Peace,
mia
Faith,
thankyou for reiterating that the story is not always linear….that is a big issue with me, I’m always trying to put the pieces together in order, but memory does not work like that, especially traumatic memory.
My stories have been told by my other fragmented selves, today, for the very first time I told one of the stories all by myself without dissociating….this is a huge breakthrough, and I believe is a step toward integration. Your blog has helped me understand so many things about my own journey, thank you.
barbi
Faith Allen's Story ? S & L (My Most Sadistic Abusers) « Blooming ……
I found your entry interesting do I’ve added a Trackback to it on my weblog :)…
[…] I shared in my last blog entry, S & L were a wife and husband who were my most sadistic abusers. I always put S’s name first […]
Hi, im drawn to your website and need to know what is going on in my head and body. about 3 months ago I started having flashbacks of abuse, sexual, torture and satanic things. but other little people are telling me and showing me these things, I know they are little me’s, they talk to my husband and tell us and show us what they (me) have been through, When they finish telling us I do remember what they have said, this is very scarey, they tell me there names, which a couple are Karen, the story teller, peekaboo, and the angry one, My head is always busy and I have no concept of time anymore, its not that I lose time just no concept, and my head is always busy so very busy, talking to me, please if anyone can help????????????????
Hi, Kelly.
I strongly encourage you to find a qualified therapist with experience in working with people with DID and/or people who have suffered from severe child abuse. I see many red flags for DID. You don’t want to try to heal this without therapy. The good news is that you **can** heal from this.
– Faith
Thank you Faith, I thought I was going crazy
[…] Next […]
[…] Rebecca White. A passage from this book made me think about my recounting of my experiences with S & L, my most sadistic abusers. In this passage, Julia is writing about her “evil stepmother” Peggy, who was emotionally […]
[…] Three-Dimensional Child Abusers July 6, 2010 Filed under: Challenges — faithallen @ 6:03 am Yesterday, I wrote about the one-dimensional child abuser. I talked about how there is a danger in seeing your abuser in a one-dimensional way because you can wind up seeing your abuser as an indestructible monster rather than as a flawed human being. I struggle with this viewpoint with S & L, my most sadistic abusers. […]
[…] My most sadistic abusers, S & L, had three children. The youngest was M, and he was maybe three or four years older than me. I never liked him. After my family moved away, my parents stayed in touch occasionally with that horrid family. When I was around 13, we got together with S & L and M at a country club, and M tried to come onto me. I was so revolted and just wanted to get away. […]