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Archive for May 17th, 2010

*****trigger warning — ritual and sibling abuse*****

S instilled a phobia in both my sister and me, but she made sure they were two separate and unusual phobias. She instilled a phobia of trolls in my sister. My sister was so frightened of trolls that my mother had to get rid of the book “The Billy Goat Gruff” because she would go berserk at the mention of a troll. I have no idea what object S used, but I am sure her method was similar to what she did to me.

I was drawn to S’s Russian nesting dolls, which was a very expensive, authentic set. I suspect I was Russian in a prior life because I am very drawn to Russian architecture, Faberge eggs, stories of Russian history, etc. Regardless of why, I loved those Russian nesting dolls, so she used them to instill a phobia in me.

She showed me how each doll opened to reveal another … and another … and another. When she got to the smallest one, she told me that, if I ever told anyone about the abuse, she would shove the smallest doll down my sister’s throat and kill her with it. Considering that S had already suffocated me with a pillow, I knew she was quite capable of doing this. I was too young to understand that she could not easily just kill a kid and get away with it. From my perspective as an abused 6 or 7-year-old child, this woman had complete power, and I had no hope of being saved from her power.

She then did things to me that I cannot as yet remember. They were so bad that I have continued to repress them. I just know that it was bad enough for me to become severely triggered by the presence of a Russian nesting doll, doubly so if it is displayed with the smaller dolls out.

From this day forward, S and the cult would use the Russian nesting dolls to frighten me. They would dramatically remove an inner doll, and then another, and then another, and I would become more and more fearful because the one I feared was the smallest one, which I believed had the power to kill my sister.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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