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Archive for May 20th, 2010

*******trigger warning – ritual & sexual abuse*******

It is not possible for me to tell the tale of the ritual abuse in a linear fashion. What I experienced was so terrifying and traumatizing that the memories and emotions were immediately fragmented and stored in different parts of my brain. I can piece together that certain events happened before others, but trying to string together a linear story is next to impossible.

Let me begin by talking about the big picture of what I remember. The cult “meetings” were generally late at night. My mother would pull me out of my bed, place me in the front seat of her car while my sister slept in the back, and drive us to these meetings. I have no idea where my father was, and I never saw my mother other than as the transportation person.

She delivered us to a scary place in the woods late at night. There was a wooden cabin that I visited a few times, where men and some women would drink alcohol and probably do drugs, although I did not know what drugs were when I was six or seven.

My “role” was as part of the ceremony. We were in the woods, but there was a clearing with a large bonfire in the middle. (I am phobically afraid of bonfires.) Around the bonfire were both chairs and folding tables. If the bonfire was in the center, my position was due west, and my sister’s position was due north, so we were able to see each other during these ceremonies.

We were both typically naked and lying down on our two separate tables. Everyone in attendance wore black robes except for the new initiates, who wore white. They kept their hoods over their faces, so I could never tell who was male or female until the person spoke or abused me with a gender-specific body part.

In what I presume are the earlier memories, my sister would be vaginally raped, but I would not be. I was forced to perform oral sex on men and women while, at the same time, giving hand jobs to both genders. To this day, transsexuals or anyone who does not display an obvious gender trigger me because, without being able to tell the gender of the person beneath the robe, I had no indication of which form of sexual abuse was coming.

I remember lots of bodily fluids – blood, semen, urine, and feces. I don’t know if the blood was real or manufactured. Through the eyes of an adult, I have come to recognize how much of what they did was a “stage show” to make my story sound unbelievable. Who was going to believe a 7-year-old kid who had the “boogie man” dressed in robes and hurting her in the middle of the night? I also believe that the robes hid the identities of these people, and that all of the cloak and dagger crap was really just a cover for an active child pornography and prostitution ring. Despite the “Satan worship” rumors that go around, I don’t think devil worship had a thing to do with this. I think the motivation was money – money for raping children in a way that nobody would believe, which made it a “safe” way for pedophiles to have access to kids.

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Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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