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Archive for May 24th, 2010

*******trigger warning – sexual & ritual abuse*******

My decision to split myself into dissociative identity disorder (DID) happened because of two life events. I already blogged about the first one here. The second one involved my father.

Let me preface this story by saying that I do believe that my father was a victim here, although I did not know this as a child when I chose for my inner child to “check out” permanently. This event involving my father was extremely traumatizing, but I do not blame him for it.

My sister and I were at our usual tables around the bonfire when the leader announced that they had a new initiate, and he said my father’s name. My father was dressed in a white robe and blindfolded. I believe that he had drunk alcohol and that my abusers also slipped drugs into his drink.

They walked my father over to me and forced me to give him a “hand job.” They then walked him over to my sister, who was only 4 or 5, and my father had intercourse with her. Our abusers took pictures of this. My father was blindfolded, so in the moment, I truly believe he did not know that he was raping his own child. If he was truly drunk and high, he likely believed it was consensual (albeit kinky) sex with a consenting adult.

My sister and I have the same memories of this night. It was traumatizing for me, and I can only imagine how much more traumatizing it was for her. That was the moment, in combination with the other one I already shared, in which my inner child, “Annie,” went to sleep, and she did not awaken until after a lot of therapy in my thirties.

While my sister and I both recovered the same memory of that night in flashback form, we have both always remembered the following: Our father used to drink cocktails and such socially and for business. After that night, the man never drank a drop of alcohol again. My sister was terrified of our father, and nobody could understand why. She was cry whenever he came anywhere near her. Our mother would show her pictures of her smiling on a slide with our father to remind her that she loves her dad. It took my sister a long time to stop freaking out whenever he approached her.

My sister believes that the reason the cult had access to us as long as they did was because of those pictures. She believes that the photos were used to blackmail my father into keeping his mouth shut. He died from a heart attack at age 43, and she believes that the stress of that night is what killed him.

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Photo credit: Hekatekris

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