Archive for May 25th, 2010

I have already shared the two events that caused my inner child, “Annie,” to go to sleep. You can read about them here and here.  Both stories are very triggering.

After Annie went to sleep, I woke up, and I did not know who I was. I just knew that I was not Annie, and it bothered me to no end that people kept calling me Annie. I hated Annie and everything about her, including her name. I did not want to be called Annie any longer. However, I did not know who “I” was.

I now recognize that my new self-perception was through a newly created “host personality” who had not yet been named. I had a multiple system in place to drive me through my day, but this nameless part of myself was very confused. I had to take a standardized test at school, and I was told to write my “full name.” That was when the host personality first learned that my full name was “Faye Anne Allen.” “Annie” was just a nickname. I decided that, from that moment on, I would be called Faye, and I refused to respond to any other name.

The weirdest thing was that there was not one part of myself that related to the name “Annie.” It wasn’t like I had to retrain myself to embrace this new name. There was not one ounce of Faye that felt like an Annie.

As you can imagine, announcing my refusal to respond to the name Annie did not go over well with my second grade teacher in the middle of the school year. She did eventually relent because I was simply that stubborn. My mother’s name is also “Faye,” so my father flat refused to call me that. I succeeded in getting everyone in my life other than my father and his parents to call me Faye instead of Annie, and I cringed whenever my father would call me that vile name.

When I became a multiple, I endured numerous severe headaches. I complained about them so frequently, both at school and at home, that my parents took me to a doctor. The doctor could find nothing wrong with me. He referred me to an allergist. I was tested for numerous allergens in my back, but I was completely allergy-free. The doctor’s diagnosis was that these were “stress headaches,” and all of the adults in my life seemed completely okay with the fact that a seven-year-old child was having multiple severe “stress headaches.”



Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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