*******trigger warning – animal, sexual, and ritual abuse*******
I have discussed animal rape on my blog before, but I do not believe that I have shared my specific story. I don’t know if it happened only once or several times, but I have recovered a very detailed memory of one incident. Trust me – one incident is more than enough to traumatize a child.
I was in my place on the table as usual, lying naked on my back. The bonfire was going as my abusers brought in a brown boxer on a leash. They led the dog up to me, and he raped me – simple as that. Someone took photographs of the rape taking place. To this day, the sound effects used on TV for a professional camera completely wig me out.
I do not blame the dog for what happened – he was merely the instrument used to perpetrate the rape. The dog went right to work, so this was clearly not the first time that the dog had been used to f@#$ a child. The feeling of being raped by a dog is indescribable. Anyone else who has experienced animal rape knows what I am talking about. The flashbacks include body memories that are almost too horrible to bear.
As a child, I was always bothered by our dog’s penis sticking out. Our dog was neutered, but even neutered dogs will sometimes “let it all hang out.” Whenever that happened, I could not help but stare. Now I know why.
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
I’m sorry Faith. No other words, just sorry.
Peace,
mia
Animal rape is the one thing I expect never to tell face to face other than my therapist. It is not as much that I still hold blame I was a child and a baby. It is that it is really to much for a person to take. It would change the relationship.
I am now OK with the camera flash. The auto winders still drive me crazy. A camera with a light brown leather case is not something I want to see.
Photos were used when I went from cult to cult. You see the photos and you know you are in trouble.
:( I’m sorry…..hang in there Faith, you are helping others deal with our own abuse and your courage is inspiring.
I hope others are reading this that need to hear they are not alone. I’m sorry it happened to you. I’m sorry it has happened to anyone. I have heard these things before, and the only way it has changed my feelings toward the person was to admire them more for their ability to survive and cope.
I was also violated with animals through animal rape. you were the first person to use the word animal rape here on your blog. Your story gives me an indescribable level of relief to be understood that i can not begin to explain.
I am so sorry you went through this. I am so sorry I went through this.
hang in there and be gentle with you as you continue to share your story.
ang et al
:(
~Lothlorien
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whaaat. im soooo sorry. i dont understand how people could do that to a child and think nothing is wrong with it? (or to an animal)
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
It makes no sense to me.
Its the one thing that is stopping me from getting past my own (emotional) abuse — why would you do that to someone else?? WHY WHY WHY WHY?
Lindsay- The fact that you do not understand says you are infinitely more healthy than those people that harmed you. I think for some people who abuse in such extreme ways, it is because they only see their “victim” as an object- not a real being with feelings and a life that values, but many who abuse so terribly know the child is a person and actually want to do as much damage as they can to the child. There are lots of reasons why I person might want to do that- but they are all related to their own sick needs, and have nothing to do with the child. The fact that children survive such things is a testament to their own ultimate victory in the situation. Ultimately the abusers did not win. As far as the animals involved in such things, they were also victimized. That type of behavior with a human isn’t natural to an animal. Their own instincts are twisted by the abusers. Perhaps that is what is about for the abusers- being able to pervert nature- both that of children, and that of animals.
I’m having trouble getting in enough air. I’ve NEVER been able to tolerate the sounds of a dog licking itself or see a dog’s penis. I’d cry, yell or shove our dog. I’d get in trouble. I think it was a year ago when I put all of the pieces together.
I still don’t understand…I’m not sure how to put it. I know we’re not supposed to compare abuse, but I’ve always felt what I’ve been through is nothing compared to others.
I’ve got a terrible headache right now. My brain feels like rubber. I too had horrendous headaches as a young child.
It sounds so trite to say I’m so sorry that you had to endure such torture. Thanks for sharing your story.
My thoughts are a bit scattered too. I wanted to say I never heard what I too experienced as animal rape. It makes it sound much worse than I’ve been able to admit or feel. I guess that’s a good thing.
Hi, IAmEchad.
You are probably very triggered right now, which is understandable after reading this blog entry. All forms of child abuse are bad, hard, and painful. That being said, the animal rape was particularly difficult for me with the deep level of shame that I felt. I, too, can relate to your reaction to normal dog things, such as licking themselves. The good news is that, once I pushed through the shame and accepted that even this form of abuse did not have the power to take away my value, I was able to tackle all other forms of abuse with incredible strength.
– Faith
I find myself having memories that are only coming back to me now. There are some I always remembered, but others come back in flashes.
I do not have a memory regarding dogs,. but I do know I cannoty stand to be near a dog, male ones, I have to look away when they just roll over and expose themselves. The mere sight of their genitals makes my skin crawl and I just want to be sick.
I do not know why i have always had this reaction to male dogs, but as I have a memory of another animal I suspect it is part of a memory I will not like if I ever recover it.
I have never heard of this before, and yet I totally know what you are saying. Reading this story is bothering me because I am just processing through sexual abuse issues with both my mom and dad. I have done a lot of work around my dad, but barely scratched the surface with my mom.
Mom had a love for dogs that always seemed unnatural to me. I used to have recurring dreams that she was having sex with the dog; and when our dog would sit with his penis hanging out I would scream and cry and feel like I would vomit. I would lock the dog up because I was so afraid and disgusted. But I have no idea WHY I felt this way. Or why would a child dream of her mother having sex with a dog.
I don’t know what to think. I have almost no memories of my mom growing up. I suspect she may have sexually abused me… my sister has recovered memories that she was abused by our mom. I have recovered memories of dad abusing me, but I still cannot integrate them as truth. I feel like I am remembering someone else’s life.
Anyway, I just want to thank you for your bravery and courage in sharing these things that are unimaginable to the rest of the world.
Hi, June.
I don’t want to “scare” you, but I need to share that I had a similar reaction to seeing our dog’s penis sticking out when I was a child. I couldn’t pull my eyes away and was obsessed with the shape of his penis. I did not feel the freedom to react, but I always wondered why I had this reaction in my head as a child until I recovered the flashbacks.
– Faith
[…] Two of my most traumatizing memories involved dogs – watching my abusers kill my dog and being raped by a dog. I knew this was going to be a difficult memory to […]
Thank you. Last night, I was flooded with my first memories of animal rape. I got online this morning and only found articles about how I was going to hell. Tonight I tried one more time hoping to find something to help me comprehend what happened to me.
Hi Faith,
I just wanted to follow up on this post. My sister came over this weekend and she told me something she has been too scared to to tell anyone else. She said that she has no specific memory, but that she has always “known” there was something sexual concerning our mom and the dog/s. We have no idea if we simply witnessed something that disturbed us both deeply, or if we were in any way involved. I don’t think we were, but who knows? I can handle this information if it involves my mom only, but if it involves me or my sister I will literally go insane. I simply could not handle th
Faith how do u do it? i just dont know ur a insperation.
**animal abuse triggers**
My brother used to finger rape our cat and rape our dog and some horses out back of our house. He is telling me this is normal and that it doesn’t mean there was sexual abuse in our family. Is it normal?
Hi, amberbug.
No, that is not normal.
– Faith
Hi, Billy.
I use the term “animal rape” from the perspective of the victim. She was raped. The rapist was the dogs’ owner, not the dogs.
– Faith
I’m truly sorry for what happened to you. I hope the culprit will pay for that.
Faith,
Do you not see how dangerously inappropriate ‘Billy’s’ above post is? It’s not the post of a sexual abuse survivor. There is something very strange going on in relation to some of the content of posts on this site. Am I the only one that has noticed this? A poster tells you he was given a tape of a bestiality drug and rape which he watched six times, counting her ‘moaning orgasms’, calls the victim by name and you as moderator allow it to be posted?
This person is a paedophile, not an abuse survivor. What on earth is going on here?
Hi, Mary.
Sorry about that. I removed his post.
~ Faith
I wanted to reply to this, I know faith probably will anyway, but I’ve often thought this about my own things. How come I don’t remember, how come it takes a little thing, did I make it up? But the. You’ve got to ask, why would you have these ideas in your mind if not memories?
Have you ever walked down the street or somewhere, smelt something or seen something and suddenly you remember something, good or bad memories. How many times do you have conversations with people and suddenly say, oh yeah, I remember when…. Etc. And then you launch into some funny, happy or whatever story.
It’s just the same.
I learned that there is a certain part of the brain that is reponsible for the feeling of recognition. I know of people who’ve received damage to that part of the brain and they no longer recognise family members’ faces, giving the strange impression that they are looking at aliens who have taken over their family member’s body.
I am thinking that this part of the brain has something to do with the feeling of deja vu. Much like an unexpected itch or needle like pain can pop up in a nerve in the leg. A feeling of recognition can pop up in the brain, which is composed of many nerves.
Ordinary memory is a separate part of the brain. Traumatic memories also involve a separate part again.
I am wondering why you are here, as your comments do not appear to be helpful to the community you are commenting about. It can seem easier to discount memories, than to face the truth. There are many courageous people here who dare to face the truth. It is very hard to live with the effects of the trauma, whether blocking the memories from conscious thought, or allowing them to surface when ready. It is hard either way.
There are many factors that affect the timing of releasing memories, and the prime one for me was safety. Lives are at risk, when dangerous people inflict horror on others. To tell my story to anyone before would have been life-threatening. To tell the story to people who do not, or cannot believe it for whatever reason of their own, I have found to be incredibly unhelpful and pointless.
I think I see what jd is saying. They do not trust their own recollection, but understand that the strength of recovered memory is too powerful to deny. The very folks who would insist otherwise still allow for recovered memories, but only as long as they are positive ones. The sign-off “it’s just the same” is holding folks accountable for this hypocrisy, not delegitimizing recovered memory.
I took a peek at their blog, and it seems like they are in the process of healing themselves.
It is natural for people to recall similar events in their experience when hearing it mentioned by someone else. Bring up learning to ride a bike, and everyone will recall their own bike stories.
I stumbled upon a test of your theory. Someone brought up an extreme trauma and I knew that I had never experienced anything like it in my life. It seems a natural response of any person, to disbelieve that something extremely traumatic really happened. See how commonly people use the term, “Unbelievable!” in everyday conversation. It is hard work to get through the disbelief, and treat the injury.
This is such a powerful message and I can totally understand how traumatic memories can be triggered like that. I repressed my own until my mid teens. What brought them all flooding back was another rape, this time by a boy. I was date raped when I was 16 after a party and the guy wanted to “do me from behind”. Being forced was bad enough but I got almost hysterical when he got me on my hands and knees and entered me, feeling his weight on top of me from behind. It all came back then and I understood why I couldn’t take my eyes off a dog’s penis when it was “hanging out” and the sickness I felt. The boy was also very big and that made it worse… I remembered then that my abusers used a big black lab. Anything would seem big to a 9 yo girl but I think this dog really was very big… maybe 8 inches and extremely thick. I never told anyone about either incident because when the boy ejaculated inside me I had a powerful orgasm, just like I remembered with the dog. I’m horrified and ashamed that I responded like that.
i was always made to wear the same yellow sweatshirt, lol for my protection! Stopped me getting badly scratched. If the sweat shirt was out , i knew i was expected to put it on. The dog also knew what the yellow sweatshirt menat and he would be super excited. Is it understandable that i have a great desire to see the video? i want to see my face, my body language to try and recall my feelings. Am i alone in this need? It always seems so hard to understand for me to know i did this and many other things for this man over many years. my feelings always seem to behind a veil when i try to recall them, its thin but i just cant pull it aside. He never threatened violence to me or my family, he just provided an emotional something i needed. i am always worried i will remember it was me who drove these things. That seeing me performing these acts for him ,not as a scared emotionless normal child, but as some sexual monster will be the reality.