*******trigger warning – ritual and emotional abuse; religious triggers*******
I believe this was a later memory – perhaps at age 9 or 10. The cult leader told me that I was going to be initiated into a higher level of the cult. Of course, I had no interest in being any more involved with these crazy people than I already was, but nobody asked my opinion.
They told me that I was going to kill a child tonight. They put me in my own robe and had me stand in front of the cult leader in his black robe. They laid a child at my feet. She looked like she was asleep, but I suspect that she was drugged and unconscious.
The cult leader put a large knife between my hands, and then he held my hands (holding the knife) inside of his hands. He lifted up my hands high above my head. Meanwhile, another cult member beamed a flashlight into my eyes while the cult leader made a long speech. The blood drained from my hands and arms, and I desperately wanted to put down my arms. However, I knew that when I did, I would kill someone, so I both dreaded the end of the speech and longed for it. This entire time, I was “blinded” by this flashlight shining directly into my eyes.
Eventually, the cult leader quit talking and forced my arms to stab where the child had been lying. I was saturated in what I believed was blood, à la the “Carrie” movie. I felt the knife cut through flesh, and I truly believed that I had just killed a child.
This flashback was one of the most difficult ones I have ever recovered, but I was fortunate to have God right there helping me through this. This is the only time I have actually “felt” the presence of Jesus beside me as I recovered a memory. I mostly talk about God and not Jesus, but I assure you that I felt Jesus standing there telling me repeatedly, “You did nothing to be forgiven for.”
My eyes were immediately opened to the truth of what happened that night. While the flashlight was in my eyes, the cult members removed the child and put a slab of meat in her place. That is why I felt the knife cutting through flesh. The “blood” was all a sham. It might have been real blood, but it was not human blood. A sleeping child who wasn’t fighting back would not have “bled out” to that degree – the “blood” was dumped on me for effect.
Why would my abusers do this? To test my silence. I had to find out why someone would do this (other than to be cruel, which is obvious). Cults will do this to ensure the child’s silence. If I had gone to the police about this, the cult would have produced the child and called me a liar. Whether I talked or not, they were still in control.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
How horrific. There are no words. Just, I am thinking of you as you face this unspeakable material.
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Faith,
I am so glad the cult was unable to continue to have control over your life…..even as a child you were strong and courageous. No child should have to endure this type of sadistic behavior. Thank you once again for sharing your story, even the smaller child parts of me are learning courage from you.
barbi
I believe and it is a belief to to be sure that in someways the cults do what they do to try and make people like them. In a real way not being like them insults them and makes them angrier and angrier.
Some of it is that they want to feel superior. Convince themselves that they are special when they are not. They seem to want to make everyone that is special not.
Oh FAITH!!!!
I’m so glad you figured out their sinister plot.
When I first began my digging about SA, I went to a site on mind control…. Another possible reason for an evil stunt like the one you described are often used to initiate more personality splits. I had to stop reading this particular site because the information was so horrific. It was regarding a particular group that was associated with gvmt who split children on purpose so that they could use them as operatives.
Is it true? I have no idea. But whoever was putting out this information went to a hell of a lot of trouble to get it out there. (There is A LOT) And much of what I read about would certainly cause a child or anyone really to split.
Hang in there Faith.
Peace,
mia
Hi, Mia.
Through emails, I have had people contact me about government involvement in some of these groups. Those who have fallen victim to government-affiliated groups seem less comfortable talking about it publicly (for obvious reasons).
– Faith
MIA,
In very simplistic terms there was a program called MKULTRA funded by the US. Money was funneled through the CIA. The concept was to create a person who could do anything and resist torture and not remember anything about it or what they did for the government.
It was the behavioral science race much like the space race. Many universities were involved and a lot of funding. The prize going to the scientist that could control a human being.
Dr. Cameron who was the president of both the International and US Association of Psychiatry did much work in Canada. Some victims have been compensated.
The concept of the part of the program I was involved in was that I would be a sleeper, in control of the cult in case I was needed by the US.
It was found that the cults had much more expertise in mind control than the behavioral scientist. The cults for a fee would supply children that were already traumatized. The more traumatized the better.
If the behavioral scientist determined that more trauma was needed than they would subcontract this to the cults.
The cults took methods from the behavioral scientists and it is reasonable to assume they are using those methods today.
MKULTRA is often referred to as experimental. By the 60’s it was operational. Most of their success was that they only took those children that tested very high in all areas. The program was highly competitively and if you could not preform you were dropped. This was called being thrown off the train and was not a good thing.
Hot tip do not walk into a hospital and state you are a multiple from MKULTRA
MFF
YES!! That was the group that I had researched. It was a while back and couldn’t recall at first. All this is so sickening. What the hell is wrong with our race that we can do this? And people think animals are vicious.
I hope you are healing MFF, and thanks for the info.
mia
I have heard other ritual abuse survivors tell a similar story. The manipulation and jerking around of emotions these groups do is horrid. I am so sorry you experienced these things.
~Lothlorien
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[…] recovered it last night. It is a variation of what I already shared about being forced to “kill” another child, only this happened before the ruse was pulled on […]
[…] perspective. I have shared before about processing the memory of believing that I had been forced to kill a child. From the adult perspective, I know that it was all a ruse. However, the nine-year-old child inside […]
As all childhood emotional,physical and sexual abuse your story brings me to tears as mine would you. you are so courageous for sharing your testimony as I know how much these abuses cause shame in us that absolutely should not, as they were absolutely no fault of our own. In going through psychotherapy, I came to learn that it is the lack of protection from those that should have protected us that damaged our child psyche actually more than the abuse itself. It is certainly the case with me and was wondering if you have found that to be true with you.
Hi, Susan.
Yes, I do believe the abuse caused some of the damage, and the failure to be protected caused the rest.
~ Faith