My sister and I were at the grocery store with our mother. I don’t remember how old we were – perhaps 9 and 7?? I don’t remember why, but someone inside the store wanted to talk with my mother in private, and she left my sister and me alone in front of the store in plain view of the street.
A man walked up to us and told us that he was a police officer. He was dressed in regular clothing, so I didn’t know whether to believe him or not. I can’t remember if he showed us a badge, but I doubt at that age that would have meant anything to me, anyhow.
The man said that he could keep us safe, but we had to tell him if anyone was hurting us. My sister and I just looked at him stupidly, saying nothing. He asked us again if anyone was hurting us, and we said no. He told us a third time that he could keep us safe, but we had to tell us if anyone was hurting us. We again said no. Then, he left.
I know why I lied. My host personality was out and did not know a thing about the abuse. The other parts of myself that did know were too frightened to say anything. I feared for my sister’s life if I told. Also, I had no way of knowing whether this was a setup by my abusers.
I like to think that the police were onto this evil group of people and that they eventually busted some of them. If that happened, it was after we moved away when I was 11.
I have mixed feelings about this encounter. If it really was a cop, why didn’t he get the school counselor to talk to us? Why didn’t he tail my mother to the next cult meeting? Why didn’t the cops try to infiltrate the group?
If he was legit, how different would my life have been if I had said yes instead of no? Would I have grown up in the foster care system? Would my sister and I have been separated? Would I have had the courage to face my abusers in court? I will never know.
Photo credit: Hekriskate
Blooming Lotus 
I do not think it is helpful to think of cults as all the same. What is important is the experience.
That being said when I was just 13 I was approached by a man in a suit. Not from my town. It was a small town and not that many suits.
He came from behind a tree at a spot where I had been raped at the direction of the cult by a 16 year old male when I was just 8.
He claimed to be from the FBI. In my case it was obvious he was not looking back from an adult perspective. I was told that as long as I did not tell then I would be protected. That they were eliminating those that would hurt me and my sister.
The FBI was a nice touch. The FBI had arrested one of the cult members for bank robbery about 800 yards from where he approached me. It was in the woods as I was walking home from school.
All that being said. Police were involved in the cults that I had to deal with. At times I was in a police cruiser. When I was 12 in the trunk.
You will never know. Perhaps look at it from an adults perspective knowing that will not “solve” it rather you did good and are doing good.
I forgot. I do believe that at times out of towners were brought in from other cults. A method that was used as part of the deception.
I had the opportunity to tell once. My father thought I was trying to commit suicide because I overdosed on my mother’s diet pills at age 6 or 7. I took a handful of her diet pills because I was a chubby kid and was constantly teased for it. I took the diet pills because I thought I could lose weight. This incident happened after incident with my father where we were in bed together and my memories (repressed for more than 10 years) tell me he sexually abused me.
I couldn’t understand why he would think I was trying to kill myself. He took me to a psychiatrist. The psychiartrist gave me, his card and told me if there was anything I wanted to talk about I could call him.
I remember going to a phone booth after school with his card in hand. I dialed the number and when someone picked up the other end, I hung up. I know I wanted help, but honestly I didn’t know what for. I had no words (or memory) to help me ask for what I needed.
We are so scared to betray our parents. At such a young age, they are all we have. If we betray them, we have no one.
Thanks for sharing your story Faith.
FGO
Most of the time I wanted to reach out for help, I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t grasp it. I couldn’t name it. I wrote a whole post in this on my blog entitled Knowing but Not Knowing. It is eerie. We repress, but some part of us knows. Just wanted to say that I could identify.
It’s a double bind for young kids when an authority figure approaches them–especially the way you and your sister were approached. Everything about that situation would have been a trigger to me and I would have done exactly the same thing.
Kids are taught they have no power. Adults are dangergous liabilities for kids who are abused–especially those who come out of cult situation–because experience tells the child that no one is really who they seem.
We had law enforcement in our town–and some were a part of the cult. Robes and hoods do not hide shoes–and I learned very quickly to pay attention to shoes, the way they wer scuffed, what kind they were, etc.
I wish there was training–like CPR–on ways to help children so that they can feel safe, and get out. I wish law enforcement, social workers, and teachers had to take classes to understand the viewpoint of abused children so that they can learn the dilemmas of telling.
My mistake was that I told. The consequences were severe and lasting, because I was not only punished, I was tagged to be watched. No, I was stalked.
I still get checked up on… but I know I’m preaching to the choir, so it seem stupid to even write this down. Your account just really struck a nerve with me… one that’s obviously very sensitive even to this day.
Thank you for doing all this, Faith. Thank you so much.
~meredith
I know you can’t help but wonder about the man. I do know, tho, that “agencies” work that way. I work for Social Services. The Child Welfare Unit will try to detach the mother from the children in case the children are taken from the home – less fighting, crying, etc. It’s brutal. My point, tho, is in many many towns and cities, the police are part of the problem. In my town, yesterday, I had to shush a person who reported to me that one of my clients was being beaten by her husband. She shared that she had called the police and was told to “walk away”. She didn’t understand, but it sent up huge red flags for me. My client’s husband is a member of a prominent gang. I live in a very small town. Doesn’t make sense, does it? But it does. I told the lady not to go to that particular cop again. Cults, gangs, drugs etc have infiltrated to every corner of every town. It scared me to read this post because there is no promise that you would have been safe or you would have been happy, even if you were safe. I never think about changing the past. It’s sort of like – a bird in hand… I’m so sorry, tho that you had to suffer experiences like that, no one should have to.
my sisters and I never talk. I think my middle sister knows and i have a memory of her and my dad. SHe has never talked about it. I thinnk she knows about the abuse wiht me, but I am not sure she remembers what I do about her and my dad. My oldest sister, I dont have any memories of her being abused sexually. Anyway, one time, and I dont remember how the conversation came up, where I was or how old I was (adulthood sometime) or anything really, only that one of them told me some social worker type people came to the school once and they called them into the office for questionning. They told me I didn’t get called in because I was too young, about second grade. I wonder what I would have said. I suspect it would have been similar to how Faith responded.
Hard to know what is real, especially when reality becomes so distorted and cruel.
I think you did the only thing you could do, protect your sister and yourself. My instinct from your description is that you were right, it was a set up.
Peace,
mia
I always wanted to tell. I used to fantasize about telling and being saved, but then the fantasy would be interrupted with the scenario that my parents would find out, put on their act, people would believe them, I’d be left with my parents, and (well, you know.).
I was TERRIFIED! No doubt you and your sister were terrified too. And from the rest of your story, you were most likely more terrified than I.
Lothlorien
Ivory is right. You never know. All you know is that you are safe now, and had you played your cards any differently, things could have been much worse. You followed your instinct and that instinct is the best tool we have.
Not only do I think it was the correct decision for me not to tell when I was a child I think that a child now in the same situation should not tell.
I feel it is unrealistic to expect that if I told as a child that I would have been helped. I feel it is unrealistic to believe that a child could tell now.
Google “Mohler child abuse MO” and you will find the only on going cult case that I know of. I have found no references in 6 months. The likely scenario will be the case will be pleaded and forgotten.
Google “Day care sex abuse hysteria” and you can see the results of some children telling.
http://www.endritualabuse.org/wikipedia.html is an article on Wikipedia black listing sites on cults. (Note: Ellen Lacter’s Phd site is a good site for information about cults and mind control.)
Realistically if a person was to tell most therapists now about cults they would be labeled delusional. Walk into a hospital and say I have having problems with triggers about SRA and I do not believe you would get any help. You would get a shot.
I am not negative about all of this. I feel it is all improving at a very rapid pace. It was not long ago that child pornography rings were thought not to exist. I find it helpful to be what I feel is realistic about the likely results of telling now and when I was a child.
This site is the only one I have found where SRA is written about honestly. If there are others I have not found them. Thank you Faith.
Hi, MFF.
I am saddened to hear that my site is the only place on the Internet to discuss SRA honestly. Wow. It was never my intention to be a trailblazer — I just wanted to offer hope and healing to others who have suffered from severe child abuse.
I scanned the link you posted and am aghast that Wikipedia has blacklisted those sites. I work as an online college instructor, and we, of course, do not accept Wikipedia as a credible source for papers. I wasn’t aware that Wikipedia ever screened anything, but they screened a site by a licensed psychologist?? Wow.
– Faith
You are a Trail-Blazer Faith ! You are experienced and strong. More Power to you Baby !! thanks for your work here. Awesome.
In my experience Out of towners are guests from other cults who are treated like royalty and get the ‘spoils of war’ or whatever it is (yuk)
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I’ve been reading your posts today and wondering why I would want to read about this type of abuse again and want to be challenged by all those memories again. Then it hit me, DA, it’s Halloween and Halloween has always been a trigger for me. I also think I am now strong enough to do a deeper healing in my soul.
One of the posts previous to this one talked about shots. I believe my family doctors was involved with parts of my abuse. I believe he supplied some of the drugs used on me as well as medical attention when abuse went too far. I could be wrong but I believe I got a VD when I was about 5 years old. I had to go for these shots weekly. Not sure how many weeks, maybe 4 or 6. I was told they were shots to prevent measles. (Except there were no immunizations back in the 60’s for this disease nor do I know of any now.) When I got pregnant with my first child, I had the blood tests run at the beginning of the pregnancy. I was told I had no immunity to german measles or regular. The doctor thought I was nuts when I told him I received immunizations for them as a child. . .
I too, years ago when I first started getting memories felt this intense need to destroy myself. Banging my head against a wall was one of the many “destroy myself” thoughts. Just amazing. . .