*******trigger warning – ritual & sexual abuse*******
When I was 11, my parents decided to sell our house and move out to a rural area outside of the metropolitan area of the city. My father still had his business in the downtown area, so this move was going to mean a 35 mile commute each way. My sister suspects that this was his way of getting us out from under the cult. I have my doubts, but it is a nice thought. It just seems like, if this was a priority, I would not have remained a victim of those people for three to four more years before he finally took action.
Apparently, we were moving far enough away for us not to have to go to cult ceremonies any longer, so the cult needed to make sure we were too terrified ever to tell after we were no longer subject to their cruelty on a regular basis. So, they pulled out all the stops for our last ceremony. I previously wrote about this memory, so I am just going to reprint it here. I see no point in putting myself through this twice.
The cult leader told me that I was going to be “sacrificed” tonight. The ceremony would begin when he got to the smallest Russian nesting doll. He opened doll after doll, and it was excruciating never knowing if the next doll was going to be the last one.
He shoved the smallest doll inside of me and then raped me. After that, all of the cult members savagely gang-raped me. This involved both men and women manipulating every orifice of my body at the same time.
Then, the cult leader made me walk over to the bonfire and lie down on something cold (maybe a slab of granite??). He said that it was time for me to die. He held up a knife and gave a long speech, so I was frozen in terror for a long time, waiting to die. Then, he dropped the knife and told me that I was not worth sacrificing. I was not worthy. I was not good enough.
Then, he spit on me. The entire cult followed suit, spitting on me, urinating on me, and smearing me with feces. They kept this up until I rolled over and vomited. They collected my vomit to use on my younger sister in her expulsion ceremony. To this day, she is highly triggered by vomit.
When I recovered this particular memory, I couldn’t stop dry heaving until I actually vomited again.
Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney
Blooming Lotus 
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen, Pandora. Pandora said: I could say 'horrific', but words don't grasp it. RT @FaithLotus Faith Allen’s Story – Expulsion Ceremony http://bit.ly/cg4hta […]
What an amazing thing that you have come through intact! DID was always scary to me. You have shown me it’s humanity. Thank God there was a place you could hide where they could not reach you!
Take gentle care of you!
You have explained well the way pedophile rings use satanic ritual as a format for their pedophilia. This intentional terrorizing just for the sake of terror though almost seems like an abuse beyond all abuses because the way you describe it, it doesn’t seem based in sick eroticism, but the desire to protect themselves by damaging you. It seems the same way with the spiritual abuse you have described. The attempts to separate you from God and separate you from yourself seem like attempts to take away from your last vistages of survival. This level of an attempt to annihilate while still leaving you alive is beyond evil, It is amazing that anyone can crawl back from this edge of bare existence. -Again the wonders of the human spirit and of the defense of dissociation. Something I am wondering… most people I have known with DID have an alter part that is the “observer” or “knower”- a part that has been there all along and has kept an awarness of what has happened (about the abuse and about the inner structure of the system)- without experiencing the emotions of it. Did you have such an alter part? And if so, was this part useful to you in helping you know about what had happened, even before you started experiencing your past as memories?
damn
so sorry Faith, take care of yourself.
…
I am so sorry you went through this. F**king sucks. Hang in there, thanks so much for all that you have shared with us. Your story brings me hope.
ang et al
It just boggles my mind that these people were able to find each other, and come together to commit such unspeakable act.
Evil in every sense of the word.
I admire your strength in being able to share this with us.
Insaneheart09,
I wanted to write a little about how I think they find each other.
The reason I think I have some understanding is I was terrorized by three separate groups and there were groups with in the groups. In my case the cults were all in one state.
Part of it is that there are multi-generational cults. That means 100’s of years of experience.
There is a recruiting and process and there are for lack of better words levels of depravity. The groups that I was terrorized by were a group with in a group. Some in the “public” group were fine upstanding citizens and good people. As such they are rejected by the “sub-group” that are depraved.
There is communication between the groups. Photo’s of me were passed from one group to another in a different town. I know of two members a husband and wife that moved and were in two of the cults.
Some of the cults are part of a larger group. It might be a civic organization, a church major denomination or not, unions, or any other group. Like pedophiles they come from all walks of life. They are doctors, insurance salesmen, teachers, police, clergy, judges, farmers, masons, carpenters, grocery store owners, professors, psychologists, firemen etc. Note:These are not random professions they are specific to my experience.
I believe that there is not a written record of events (They do claim there is a complete record.) There is not charter of organization and no financial structure. Although there is money made by prostitution, drugs and pornography the money is kept by the individual in the cult.
That is my understanding of how they find each other and why they are not caught or prosecuted for being in a cult.
That makes sense.
Oh Faith. I’m so grateful to you for pushing on with your life and finding the will to continue growing and healing… and inspiring us all, and helping us to do the same.
You ARE a miracle.
Peace and blessings,
mia
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I just wanted to say I am here and listening. I vividly remember my older brother (who was twelve- I was four) being kicked out of the cult- it was a wonder he survivied, physically and emotionally. For him that was because he didn’t dissociate well, basically.
I’ve been reading all your entries on your story, even if i havne’t been saying much. I want you to know I’m here with you and hearing you.
[…] my blog entry entitled Faith Allen’s Story – Expulsion Ceremony, a reader posted the following question: Something I am wondering… most people I have known with […]