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Archive for June 11th, 2010

*******trigger warning – sexual abuse*******

During my senior year of high school, I found out that my sister had been molested by a babysitter when she was little. Of course, my core was painfully aware of all of the rapes, but Faye (my host personality) didn’t know anything about them. I knew that my mother could not handle this information, so I waited for my father to return from a business trip so I could tell him. He never returned – He dropped dead from a heart attack while away on business.

When my mother awoke me at 2:00 a.m. to tell me the news, I could “hear” screaming in my head. I remember running to my bedroom and then my grandmother (father’s mother) holding me in her arms while I cried. Others have told me that I was completely hysterical and that my grandmother had to slap me hard across the face to bring me out of it. I remember only snippets of the next week as I suspect my multiple system was a revolving door trying to figure out how to survive our buffer being gone. (Remember that my father is the one who got my mother to stop raping me.)

The thin thread of my mother’s sanity snapped, and I could write an entire book on the drama that took place in the extended family. Suffice it to say that, to this day, my mother is not on speaking terms with my father’s side of the family. My grandfather missed my wedding because of his hatred toward my mother. I had to sneak visits to see my own grandparents because of the bad blood between the two sides of the family. All of this was the result of the h@#$ that went on in the months after my father died.

My mother started raping me again, and that is what kicked off my lifelong battle with insomnia. (The same is true for my sister.) It had been over 10 years since my mother had awakened me to rape me. Now, I cannot trust that the abuse will ever be over. My deep-seated fear is that this is just another hiatus and that the abuse can resume at any time. I hope that her death will end this dynamic once and for all because moving far away and cutting her out of my life has not.

Fortunately, I was only a few months from graduating high school when my father died. I was able to leave for college at the age of 17. That left my sister behind with a crazy mother. She dropped out of high school so she could stay awake at nights to protect herself. She moved out as soon as she could (at age 16) and has been on her own ever since.

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Photo credit: Hekatekris

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