Archive for June 14th, 2010

*******trigger warning – suicide & religion*******

From the perspective of Faye, after my father died, I went from sleeping all the time to having terrible insomnia. I would be awake until the wee hours of the morning and barely able to function at school. I also started having severe suicidal urges.

Feelings of suicide were not new, but this was different. The feelings were much more intense, and I knew that I had to die in a very particular way. When I dabbled with suicidal urges before, I thought about swallowing pills. However, this time I wanted to use a knife or razor blade and “watch the lifeblood flow out of me.” I also knew that I wanted to die in my mother’s bathroom.

I waited until I had the house to myself. I took my mother’s razor and locked myself in her bathroom. She had a large sunken bathtub in the middle of the bathroom that I could walk around, and I paced around it for a long time, crying and begging God to give me one reason not to go through with it. The suicidal urges were overwhelming, and I just wanted the pain to stop and to be with my dead father.

Something deep inside of me (God?? An alter part??) fought back. I had “loud thoughts” that said, if I could just hold on a little bit longer, I would be okay. In my head, I knew that I only had to survive a few more months, and then I would leave for college. However, the urges were so strong. I could see myself slashing up my arm and watching the lifeblood flow out of me until I died. Somehow, I found the courage to fight my way out of that bathroom, and I made a life decision that, no matter what, I would not end my life that way.



Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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