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Archive for June 17th, 2010

*******trigger warning – sex*******

As I shared before, my host personality Faye truly believed that I was a virgin until she gave herself to hub shortly before our wedding. I had built up in my head that sex was the be-all and end-all of the universe, and I was sorely disappointed. I felt an enormous amount of shame, which I attributed to being a “slut” for having intercourse with my fiancé three weeks before our wedding. I completely “dried up” on our honeymoon, and we had to buy lubricant to keep him from hurting me during sex.

This didn’t end. Hub was very frustrated at having waited 2-1/2 years to have sex with me, only to have my body feel like it was “fighting him.” I had no libido at all. I faked it for years. I heard that sex got better with practice, but it never did. Hub has gone through phases over the year of being down on himself to being angry with me for not being attracted to him, etc.

On top of this, we couldn’t get pregnant when we tried to become parents four years into our marriage. On top of sex being unenjoyable, now it was a full-fledged chore where everything revolved around fertility timing. This went on for 4-1/2 years until we finally adopted our son.

I was actually thin when hub and I dated. Moving to another state to get far away from my mother did wonders for my figure, and I had a nice trim figure for years. Then, we moved back to my hometown, where I had to see my mother on a regular basis, and the pounds started creeping up. The infertility treatments put me over the edge. Not only did I not have a healthy mother-daughter relationship; now life was denying me the opportunity to have a mother-child relationship on the other end.

I stumbled upon the connection between very sick fantasies and sexual excitement long before recovering any memories of the sexual abuse. I would feel nothing at all until I imagined that 20 people were standing around watching. Then, my body would respond, resulting in an orgasm that made me feel empty, sick, and filled with shame. I also found that particular positions that repeated the sexual abuse would excite my body but result in extreme self-hatred afterward.

Sex is an area of my life that I still have not healed. I have made very firm boundaries about what I am willing to do, and I have banished repeating the abuse in my head, even if it means that I never “enjoy” sex again. I wish I had more words of wisdom in this area, but this continues to be an area of pain and struggle in my life.

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Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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