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Archive for June 18th, 2010

*******trigger warning – sexual abuse*******

Throughout my young adulthood (twenties to mid-thirties), I knew that I was powerfully f@#$ed in the head: I just didn’t know why. I had obsessive compulsive disorder, an eating disorder (binge eating), suffered from nightmare and night terrors, had phobias, struggled with intense anxiety and depression, and had regular panic attacks. I thought these were all unrelated issues.

I would also struggle with getting lightheaded anytime I was around my mother, and I had trouble remembering our time together after the fact. I also knew that I hated my mother, but I didn’t know why, and other people would tell me I was a horrible person for hating my mother. I also battled my faith because, while I was drawn toward a faith, I didn’t want anything to do with any being who saw my mother as a “godly” woman.

I read numerous self-help books, but I could not untangle my own psyche. I simply was not ready. I kept journals about my dreams because they were so vivid and disturbing, but I couldn’t understand what they meant.

In my mid-thirties, I became aware of having an alter part. As I lay in my bed at night trying to fall asleep, I would feel someone “step into my face.” I could feel the shape of my face physically change. I would race to the mirror but could not see a difference.

I remember crying heavily one night and begging myself to understand why. I told myself that I was ready to remember, whatever it was. I had my first body flashback: I could feel someone performing oral sex on me. I forced myself to see the person’s face. I assumed it would be my father because that’s how it always goes in the made-for-TV movies, but it was my mother’s face I saw. I shut it all back down because I simply was not ready to deal with that. I had no memory of any of this the next morning and did not recall it again until a few years later.

I knew that I needed therapy, but I feared that I would lose my baby (who I had adopted) because I was “crazy.” I was so fearful of being crazy just like my mother. I had no answers until the fateful night that my son and I spent the night at my mother’s house. That’s when my healing process began, changing my life forever.

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Photo credit: Hekatekris

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