To say that I was an emotional wreck is an understatement. I felt like a pressure cooker whose lid had just blown off, and memories and emotions were bursting all over my life. It didn’t help that I was determined to understand and remember what my mother had done.
I would lie in my bed at night during that “half-asleep” phase and ask Irate to tell me what happened. When Irate was not forthcoming, I would visualize seeing a row of locked doors and would force one to have a key. I would unlock the door, open it, and experience a flashback. I had a new one every night for a couple of weeks. While a part of myself felt relieved to start seeing the pieces, I was completely unprepared for the release of the emotions that I had stored away with each memory.
Each memory was another one of my mother harming me. It felt like I was a little girl again and that the abuse was happening to me right now. I would feel the fear, anger, and shame that I felt (or should have been allowed to feel) then. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye during the day. I was absolutely overwhelmed by emotion.
Despite this, I flat refused to search for a therapist. I was waiting to adopt a second child, and I feared that seeing a therapist would make me ineligible to adopt again. (It doesn’t.) I also feared that a therapist would diagnose me as “crazy” and put me in an asylum, where I would be separated from my child. My final fear was that nobody would believe me that a mother would sexually abuse her child. So, in my mind, therapy was not an option, and I would simply heal myself.
I found a great online resource called the Survivor to Thriver manual. I also found a message board called Isurvive that offered free online support in a message board format for anyone who had survived any type of abuse.
Both of these resources told me to get a therapist, but I was determined to do it alone.
Then, about a month into the flashbacks, I found myself lying on the floor in a full-fledged panic attack, shaking uncontrollably, and thinking through the best way to die to end this pain. I finally realized that anything, even therapy and not being able to adopt again, was better than the place that I was in now. I was not going to leave my child without a mother. So, I decided to find a therapist.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
Do you find that somethings can just not be done alone?
Yes, MFF.
Healing from severe trauma is simply too difficult to do alone until you have the tools you need. Now that I have been through therapy and have the tools, I can continue healing as issues arise without needing a session with my therapist. However, in the beginning, I simply did not have the tools to manage that level of intense pain.
– Faith
MMF~ I know you weren’t asking me, but… I have found that if an issue is created out of an ongoing social system/situation… it seems that recovering from that situation is easier when we have the support of a healthy or healing social system behind us.
I think that’s why groups like AA, NA, and support groups of all kinds, family counseling, etc.. have high success rates.
Peace,
mia
Faith,
Still reading and still in awe of you. I still think there is a book in your future.
Peace,
mia
Thanks mia. Good point.
Faith,
That has always been our goal to have therapy have been a part of our life. We still see our therapist and will for a while. It is no not as necessary as it is easier. We can do easier now.
Not to be disrespectful but I did smile when I thought of you walking into most therapists office. The image of most therapists closing the door as you left was to delightful to resist.
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You had every reason to hate your momster. I never questioned that at any point over the last few decades, not because I had any inkling of what you had endured at the time it was going on, but because I knew in my soul that no child would hate their mother without it being completely earned.
My treasured friend, you are BEAUTIFUL. Inside and out. You sparkle with the many facets of a brilliant diamond. You are the living proof of a resurrected life, beauty from ashes.
I just want to remind you that you are loved and supported. Still. Forever. Without question. Without hesitation. Without any pretense or underlying reason outside of compassion.
Hang in there. Keep slugging away at it. ((((((((((Every single bit and all of YOU, even what I may not know yet after all the decades)))))))))))
Thanks, LilOleMe. :0)
Everyone — We have been offline friends for decades. :0)
– Faith
I see a therapist, and have for over a year, but it hasn’t helped, and in many ways I feel that I am going crazy for no freaking reason. I really like C, but I think I am somehow blocking any real progress. For example, last week I knew we were supposed to spend the hour making a plan of action (she had expressed during our previous session that we had spent the last year doing crisis control, and every time we started to dig into things, I would adopt a “lost puppy” or do something else that created massive drama in my life, preventing real work). Anyway, I brought my laptop to session, to show her the “work” I have been doing (scrapbooking, blogging, etc). We were only supposed to take fifteen minutes, but I kept redirecting her attention to this or that, and even started making noises about how it WAS therapy because it helped soothe me… I was aware during this that I was hedging, but I couldn’t stop. I have gone in there several times wanting to scream for help, but the calm, collected part of me always takes over and somehow steers the conversation away from anything useful.
I have never considered DID or any other form of related disorder for myself. I have PTSD, social anxiety, and a bazillion triggers, and I HAVE experience dissasociation numerous times (even intentionally), but all this time (since the Disclosure) I have been told by absolutely everyone that I am fine, that I have recovered remarkably, and that God protected me. But what if they were wrong?
All these years, a voice has been screaming in the back of my head. Not an external voice – more like what you describe with Irate stuck in the “out” position along with Faye.
My best friend – from ten years old to seventeen (and again now as adults) – was also abused as a kid, and she developed DID in high school. One of her alters was a little girl about six who would hide under things and cry. I held her a lot (hard since we were the same size), and whenever she was out the voice in my brain would start to cry, too. Different voice, I think – I can’t tell. Another alter was older than us, and was like Irate – she’d curse at me and was sometimes abusive (physical/verbal), and we fought about God a lot. Another was a boy about twelve, and I only met him once – he told me it was going to be okay, but he could only protect one person at a time. He came out and banished the angry one. And then there was what I identified as my friend, only she called herself another name that my friends’ name, so I did too. I had a lot of scary, hazy things happen while we were friends – she was the closesst I ever felt to safe, and I guess it brough something to the surface. I went through most of schopol dissociated…
sorry, feeling really weird…
I dont’ mean to be gushy here, but I am so alone… 😦 My husband supports me hundred psercent, but do;nesn’t know how to help. can’t see C for another week+,…scared to be alone, don’t know what to do. Am I just a face? Is the this not ethe end, but beginning?? feel like falling aprt, voice screaming, scared…dont’ sknow what sdo do
Hi, Davina.
I am not a therapist and cannot diagnosis you, but I do see a lot of red flags for the possibility of DID or another form of dissociative disorder. Like you, I had parts that would interfere with me opening up. I had to push through them amazingly hard to let myself be emotionally vulnerable to a friend. As long as I thought about NOT opening up, I was completely calm and OK. Then, when I thought about opening up, I would be bombarded with anxiety in numerous forms. I had to find the courage to push through the anxiety to open up, and I am so thankful that I did.
Another red flag is choosing someone with DID as a best friend. Birds of a feather flock together. Before therapy, I only felt comfortable around child abuse survivors even though I had no memory of my own child abuse.
If you suspect you might have DID or just want to learn more about it, the best resource I have found is Safe Passage to Healing by Chrystine Oksana:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595201008?ie=UTF8&tag=bloolotu-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0595201008
The book is written for ritual abuse survivors, but the DID information applies whether a person with DID suffered from ritual abuse or not. The book was so helpful to me in understanding myself.
One more thing — If you were “fine,” you would know it. I can look at myself “then” and “now” and amazing health and growth. I don’t mean that everything is perfect. I mean that, instead of banging my head until I get whiplash when I experience a strong trigger, I have healthier ways of managing the pain. Instead of spending several weeks in a “dark place” wondering whether I should kill myself because this gloom will last forever, I know in the moment that the pain is an echo from the past and will pass. I have hope whereas before I did not.
“Progress” in healing is going to look differently to different people. If you are not seeing changes in yourself and are relying on other people’s opinions that you are now “fine,” then I would question how “fine” you really are.
Also, I would say that being “fine” after child abuse involves being able to allow yourself to feel. From your comment, it sounds like “fine” is holding it in rather than letting it out. Just my two cents…
– Faith
Survivor / Thriver manual as free PDF: http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php