On my blog entry entitled Faith Allen’s Story – Expulsion Ceremony, a reader posted the following question:
Something I am wondering… most people I have known with DID have an alter part that is the “observer” or “knower”- a part that has been there all along and has kept an awarness of what has happened (about the abuse and about the inner structure of the system)- without experiencing the emotions of it. Did you have such an alter part? And if so, was this part useful to you in helping you know about what had happened, even before you started experiencing your past as memories? ~ Elaine
My multiple system can be described as polyfragmented dissociative identity disorder (DID), so my system was complex. I estimate that I had about 1,000 parts with most of them being personality fragments (one-dimensional parts holding one memory or emotion) and only a handful being true alter personalities (three-dimensional parts that feel much deeper than fragments). There had to be a part that was in charge of which part came out. I call that part a “gatekeeper.”
By the time I became aware of the depth of my multiple system, I suspect that the gatekeeper had already integrated back into the core. Or it is possible that the gatekeeper was the beginning of my core and integrated different parts back into itself. Regardless, I (from the perspective of the host personality) was never aware of the gatekeeper as a separate personality.
My initial interactions (from the host personality perspective) were with Irate, who was an angry protector alter part that was triggered by my mother/abuser. Irate was well aware of my mother’s abuse, but I don’t know if Irate knew about the other abuses.
The best way I can describe my multiple system is with the term “layers.” I had one layer of alter parts that I created to deal with my mother’s sexual abuse. I created a second layer of alter parts to deal with being abused by other adults (mostly women). A third layer dealt with S & L (my most sadistic abusers). Then other layers dealt with the ritual abuse. Alter parts in one layer did not know about alter parts in other layers.
Despite all of this inner fragmentation, I was seamless on the outside. Only one person ever called me on “switching” throughout my entire childhood, and my host personality did not know what she was talking about. So, I had to have a part of myself that served as a gatekeeper.
The most important part to remember is that all of these parts are me, so **I** always knew all of my story. My host personality did not know the entire story, and quite frankly, to this day, I (from the perspective of the core) do not know the entire story. However, parts of myself hold the key, and they are all me. Does that make any sense?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Blooming Lotus 
I find it helpful to understand that all of those that are me will not see our multiplicity the same way and they are all correct. Living the paradox that I am all one person and separate at the same time is easy for some of us and impossible for others. (Lots of rolling of eyes about this. Smile)
For us there is not one of us that knows all my story although we all will.
I feel that with some of us we can know and yet the one that can know does not know. As they remember/know something it seems that they knew all along. I do not feel they knew all along rather they could know all along.
I stay away from what is observed by others as much as I can. What they observe is important more to them than to me. What is important is what is experienced, that it bears little resemblance to what is observed or people think I experienced is not as relevant as what I experience.
There is a part of me I call PK. From what she tells me I think she knows everything. She consumes me with anger and a need for control, so she does not come without emotion. She needs to si. Sometimes she says lets see how much you can take. And sometimes its a silencing tactic. She only tells me stuff when we are arguing, when I freak out or I am being consumed by charlie and x, she’ll come out. She’ll usually provide informaion in the form of questions about my past(she doesn’t actually expect me to answer, its just her angry way of telling me stuff she knows I dont remember). She usually ends it by yelling at me saying ‘you left me there’ and calls me a dumbass or stupid f%$#. Then sometimes she’ll tell me ‘you need me’. So she tells me stuff to be mean, its more of a threat, control tactic than an offering of information for healing. Only this last time I told my t about it. PK consumed me while I was writing to my t, so I saved it and gave it to her. I think PK also kept me from seeing L. The first time L consumed me, pk got sick – she felt different and stayed that way for a couple of months. L is tied to one specific memory. PK feels much more general (cant find the words for it, general doesn’t fit exactly)
palucci
hello, i am new to all this, we started this journey with alters about 2 months ago. first it started out with my Fiance. He has only 1 alter as far as i can tell, Bill. Billy is the core and very kind, very Godly..wonderful amazing man. Bill wow, what a different person, in everyway, even looks. he has cheated on me, lied, etc…but i can say with all honesty Bill is trying to be better, and it hurts him when he is not. he is actually learning and adapting to the side of God. he and Billy are now working together, helping each other. all of this has been so very hard, emotionally. they are working on merging together, all memories have been shared but the complete merge has not happened yet. Billy holds back i think because Bill is still not “right”, i hear a complete merge can take a long time..Billy is starting to have some of Bills positive traits. But they can still seperate going down and up it seems at will now. the more we learn the more it becomes easier to understand. I pray there is only 1 alter, but time will tell. today Billy is “out”…ive missed him. I love Bill too it is just harder with him. Billy and i studied and prayed alot last night so i am hoping today will be a productive day for them. If all this is not enough to deal with (and crazy sounding) i now know i have a alter, actually 2. i am working hard to keep them “down” until i can finish helping Billy. I am working on me slowly, self Dilverance. Her name is “Passion” and she also calls herself Pam. She seems to come out during passion or when i get hurt (in defense mode)… there is another one that is very young, she can not speak. WOW what a pair Billy and i make lol well all i know is i believe in God and the power of HIS might. It will all be fixed and we will be “normal one of these days”….. Faith!
Hi, Pamela.
Welcome to my blog!
Personally, I would not put my own healing “on hold” while I help “fix” someone else. I think you will be more helpful to him the more emotionally healthy you become. Of course, you need to be ready to heal, and I don’t mean to do it prematurely. I am just saying that it can take him years to merge these two parts into one, and you don’t have to put your own healing on hold waiting for that to happen.
I am not surprised that a DID person would hook up with another DID person. Birds of a feather flock together, right? My husband is not DID, but he is very emotionally detached, which was part of the appeal when I was 20.
– Faith