Archive for July 12th, 2010

On my blog entry entitled Three-Dimensional Child Abusers, a reader posted the following comment:

What about not having an abuser? I mean, I obviously had an abuser, I can remember her. The thing is, I have nothing to aim at her. I don’t even feel it was her fault. If by chance I remember a feature of her face, or remember an instance of something she did to me, I don’t feel any anger or hatred towards her. I feel it towards myself. What does that make me? What happened to me, I blame myself for never telling her I didn’t want to. In my memories, she is almost like just the fact that there was a bed, or a carpet. She just happened to be there too. I can’t hate her. I can hardly even remember her; it’s almost like things just happened to me, and it’s not the lamp’s fault that it was there. It’s not her fault she was there. I remember her telling me that my sister had told her she didn’t want to do anything with her, so she didn’t do anything to her. That information didn’t give me any ideas. I never told her I didn’t want to. I feel like that makes me my abuser. I left myself in her hands, and I didn’t try to make her stop. I even went along with what she asked me. Doesn’t that make me worse than her? Aren’t I the one still hurting me now? ~ Janet

I don’t typically copy over a quote this long, but there was not one part of this comment that I wanted to edit out. What Janet is feeling is very common among child abuse survivors, but many are too ashamed to share their feelings. This is such an important topic that I will be addressing this comment for the rest of the week.

Let’s start with the first truth – Child abuse is never the child’s fault. Period.

My son is nine years old, and he is very innocent. As a little boy, he is fascinated with his private parts, and he will do innocent things that could make him feel responsible later if an abuser took advantage of his innocence. For example, he will run out of the shower naked and jokingly tell me to touch his private part. He thinks it is very funny because mommy would never want to touch something that pee comes out of. To my son, asking me to touch his private part is no different than telling me to pick his nose – In his childish mind, both are disgusting things that nobody would ever want to do, which is why he thinks he is being very funny with his “invitations.”

My son is not trying to seduce me. He has no concept of a private part being touched for a sexual reason – he doesn’t really get what sex is other than that it is “gross” that a baby is created by a boy body part touching a girl body part. He is not capable of inviting a sexual relationship because he has absolutely no concept of what one is. No matter how many inappropriate “invitations” he might give me, as an adult, **I** am responsible for telling him that it is never okay for another person to touch his private parts other than a doctor with mommy in the room.

To be continued…

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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