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Archive for August 4th, 2010

**** religious triggers ****

I have shared a few times that I am working through a Beth Moore Bible study entitled Breaking Free. In this blog entry, I shared that I had trouble answering the question: “Who is someone you are absolutely certain loves you?” That question made me cry because, even though I know in my head that a lot of people love me, I am not “absolutely certain” about any of them. Many of you wrote some sweet comments to me on that post. :0)

This week’s topic of the Bible study has focused upon God’s unfailing love. It did swing around to thinking about someone who you are “absolutely certain” loves you again, but I was in a better place emotionally and chose my son. What I found much more helpful was writing a list of characteristics of a child who feels loved versus a child who does not. That one was easy – I just thought about myself versus my son. It was night and day!

It is no wonder that I struggle with feeling “absolutely certain” that anyone loves me. It is a mother’s job to instill confidence in feeling loved in her newborn baby, and my mother failed miserably. While there are certainly other influences in a child’s life, that very first bond between mother and baby lays the foundation for feeling loved or unloved for the rest of your life. When you do not believe that your own mother loves you (whether that is true or not), it sets the child up for feeling unloved in every other relationship.

Here’s the good part for anyone with a faith – The focus of the Bible study this week was on God’s unfailing love and that He loves me to pieces. He is the only One who knows everything that I have been through (even the memories I have yet to recover) and fully understands why I am the way that I am. If I could truly believe and embrace that God loves me this deeply, I believe it will go a long way toward repairing the shattered foundation that my mother left me.

The truth is that I do have people in my life who love me deeply. However, I have trouble receiving or believing that love, in part because all of them are human and have failed me from time to time due to their own limitations. Also, I feel like a great resource rather than someone who is loved. I am the “go-to” person for many things, which makes me feel like I am appreciated for what I do rather than loved for who I am. I have been caught in this loop for my entire life, never truly believing that I am loved.

I am going to try to apply what I have learned in this Bible study and “pray in my unbelief” to believe that God truly loves me to pieces. Feeling someone else’s love penetrate all of those empty places inside would go a very long way toward healing my brokenness. Also, if I was confident that somebody truly knew and loved me, then I would finally believe that I was lovable and might be more open to receiving love from those in my life who do love me.

Does anyone else struggle with feeling fundamentally unlovable? Do you think your faith might be the answer?

Photo credit: Amazon.com

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