Archive for August 5th, 2010

I had a weird dream last night that kept recurring even after I awakened and went back to sleep. I am having trouble shaking it off this morning.

In my dream, a newborn baby was placed in my arms to be adopted. Unlike when I held my son in my arms, I felt nothing toward this baby. All I kept thinking about was how much work it would be to raise this baby to adulthood and how I didn’t have it in me to do it again. A woman, who works as a nanny, was there, and she offered to watch the baby overnight for me so I could get settled. I gladly took her up on the offer.

The next morning, I decided to make the nanny some food since she had been dealing with a newborn baby all night. I had trouble getting the food made and stored into a proper container. I then went to a convenience store to use the bathroom. (Any dream with a bathroom is about the most “private places” in myself.) A mother and child came in and saw me, but I didn’t want to talk to them. They wanted my help getting their child into a particular school, which I knew was useless now that I have pulled my son out of the public schools in favor a private school that specializes in his issues. (I used to be very active in the public school system.)

I bought more food for the nanny and walked to my car, where a creepy man followed me. I told him that he wasn’t coming with me, and he said, “Oh, yes I am!” I pressed the panic button on my keys, but the trunk opened, which somehow gave him access to the car. I tried to call 9-1-1 on my cell phone. Then, I saw someone trying to kidnap my son, and I fought with all I had to save him. I woke up.

Then, I fell back to sleep, and the dream continued. A friend (who shares my sister’s name and typically represents her in my dreams) called to ask about the baby. I realized that the nanny had been taking care of the baby for a week now. I admitted to my friend that did not want this baby and that I planned to call the adoption agency and have another couple adopt her instead. I felt guilty but accepted that I knew my own limitations. The baby deserved to be parented by people who really loved and wanted her. That wasn’t me.

I think this dream is about an alter part. I have been having bad headaches for a couple of days that go away when I stay busy with my job. Quite frankly, I have bitten off more than I can chew for the next month. I have doubled up on my workload, I am writing my blogs each morning instead of writing ahead, and I have a ton of papers that need processing piled up on my desk right now. On top of that, I will be traveling again in a couple of weeks, and we have the end-of-summer hoopla to deal with. So, perhaps this dream is about not having the time or energy to invest in a “new” part of myself.

However, any alter part is me, and I don’t see it as a “stranger’s baby” to be handed off and ignored. I love (or seek to love) all parts of myself, so I will simply have to make room for any part of me.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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