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Archive for September, 2010

I received an email asking me to share the article 10 Signs You are Dealing with a Sociopath. This article definitely sounds like S & L, my most sadistic abusers who brought me into the cult abuse.

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One area of child abuse that people seem to have a tough time hearing about is pedophile rings. I don’t know why this is because there is no question that child pornography exists, and presumably it is not all orchestrated by one individual. Nevertheless, people seem to be much more open about hearing about my being “molested” by a man than they are open to hearing about my falling victim to a pedophile ring.

My partner over at my professional adoption blog wrote about three organized pedophile rings that have been in the news on this blog entry. Her focus was on those who prey on children in orphanages. The articles she cited were regarding pedophile rings in three different countries.

There is no question that pedophiles do sometimes operate in a group to exploit children, and this activity is not limited to one geographical region. These are only three recent examples, but the news is hit with these types of stories repeatedly. So, why is it so difficult for some people to believe that I could be one of those exploited children who survived?

How many more children must be exploited before society accepts that pedophile rings exist? As long as the general public continues to deny the existence of pedophile rings, these predators are free to continue exploiting children, particularly those children who have nobody who loves them enough to protect them. It is a travesty that will continue unabated until the general public breaks through its denial and recognizes that our children are in danger.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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If you are sensitive to the full moon and cult holidays, please note that you are experiencing a double whammy this week. There is both a full moon AND the fall equinox on Thursday, 9/23. So, if you are feeling “off” this week, this could likely the be reason. I, myself, am finding myself unable to get enough rest (sleeping 9-11 hours a night and needing naps), anxious, and depressed. Because I know what the cause is, I am taking steps to ride it out. If you feel like you are losing your mind right now, you should feel much better by this weekend.

Photo credit: Julie Crowley

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I am reading Diana Gabaldon’s excellent book Dragonfly in Amber, which is the second book in the Outlander series. I blogged about some topics from the first book, and one reader shared that a rape occurs in all of the books in this series. I just read the rape scene from this book, and it is infuriating.

The focus in the first book was on how sadistic the rape was. In this book, the focus is on the aftermath of a more traditional stranger rape. One of the characters was a fifteen-year-old virgin who was pledged to marry into nobility (against her wishes, but women did not get a say in such matters in the 18th century). She and the main character, Claire, were attacked by masked strangers, and this young woman was raped. Claire and her husband tried to hide what had happened because they knew the young woman would become a social outcast, but the truth of the rape came out, anyhow.

This young woman was guilty of nothing but volunteering at a hospital until after dark. She was physically attacked and raped on a public street, screaming and fighting the entire time. There was absolutely no question that she was not at fault. Nevertheless, because she is now no longer a virgin, she has gone from being “priceless” enough to marry into nobility to being viewed as “worthless” and a social outcast. WTF??

I know that is how raped women used to be viewed (and still are in some circles), but it still p@$$es me off to no end. Why is a small flap of skin that goes away after the wedding night so friggin’ valuable that a lack of it through a rape turns a highly desired woman into nothing? Who are the geniuses who came up with this standard in the first place? (I know I am preaching to the choir here.)

The people’s reactions to this poor young woman made the situation even worse. People viewed her as unable to be emotionally healed. In a few minutes, she went from having the world at her fingertips (setting aside the fact that she did not love her rich fiancé) to having no future whatsoever. No man would deign to marry her because of the rape. What a stupid, stupid societal prejudice!

I sometimes wonder to what degree people might view me that way. Of course, I am married, and my husband does not see me that way, which is all that matters in that department. Nobody has been brave enough to say it to my face if anyone is actually having those types of thoughts about me. I hope that the public has been educated enough to recognize that one moment cannot define who I am. As for me, I love and accept myself as I am, so anyone who would view me as worthless for having been raped can just go to h@#$ as far as I am concerned.

Do you believe there is still a societal prejudice toward rape victims? Have you encountered it firsthand? How did you handle it?

Photo credit: Amazon.com

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I am feeling a tad depressed at the moment, so I thought I would blog about it, express the emotions, and then put it all behind me.

I spent the weekend visiting with some friends from high school. After I got home, I received an email from a friend from 2004 (who moved away in 2005) and wound up talking on the phone with her for a while. These are all people that came into my life before (or in the early stages of) therapy when I was much less emotionally healthy.

If I ever needed a barometer of how far I have come in my emotional healing, all of these ladies provided it for me. I find it d@#$ depressing to see where they are in their lives today, and it really opens my eyes to the amazing healing progress that I have made. After all, like attracts like, and I was drawn to these people because we were in the same (or a similar) place when we met. Good golly have I grown!!

One of these people has lost custody of her children after bouncing from one abusive relationship to another. Another has been working hard through therapy to heal from childhood issues and finds herself in a home repeating certain dynamics that were painful for her in childhood. A third is only now awakening to her own childhood traumas and has all of this healing work in front of her. Another is living a life that seems very full from the outside but seems to be very lonely and empty from the inside.

I am not saying that my life is perfect, but I am not in any of those places (thank goodness!). I feel amazingly fulfilled in my life. I have some great (and emotionally healthier) friends who I can depend upon. My family life is not perfect, but I have found ways to meet my needs within those constraints. I feel an incredible purpose in writing this blog and in my part-time job (online college instructor for non-traditional students – I am their “cheerleader” who believes in them until they can believe in themselves).

Most importantly, my kid is not paying the price for my emotional crap. I am far from the perfect parent, but my son knows with every fiber of his being that he is loved and safe — the two greatest needs in my childhood that were never met. He might have his own issues to work through, but they will never be the mammoths that I have had to fight.

Setting aside the huge child abuse issues, my son’s reality does not include many of the realities I had to deal with that can happen even in non-abusive homes. He does not brace himself when his father walks in the door in preparation for being yelled at because his father had a bad day at work. He does not receive mixed messages about his value in our lives. I am sure he would tell you that his childhood is not perfect, but he is loved, safe, and secure. Of all of the changes I have made in my life over the past seven years, I am most grateful for providing my kid with the love and stability that I never had.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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Yesterday, I blogged about whether people with dissociative identity disorder (DID) are always aware that they lose time. My own experience was that I had no awareness of losing time. My multiple system was excellent and hiding those “lost moments,” and I only became aware of “lost time” through healing from the underlying trauma. Today, I am going to share some examples of ways that I experienced losing time without knowing that I did.

I would sometimes have people interact with me in a way that made no sense. For example, my memory of my freshman year of college was that a woman on my hall decided to hate me for no apparent reason. She was quite vocal about detesting me, but I had no idea why she did. I later recovered the memory of why, which I wrote about here. Obviously, I “lost time” by “erasing” that entire incident from my conscious memory, but I was unaware that this data was gone.

The same thing happened my junior year of college. My ex-boyfriend spread rumors that I was pregnant with his baby but trying to pawn his baby off on my new boyfriend. I just thought he was being an @$$hole because I knew that we had never had sex. I later recovered the memory of him raping me. I also always remembered having a mini-period (bleeding) halfway through my cycle and being baffled by it. That was really the physical evidence of the rape that I hid from myself (from the host personality).

Another example I experienced was my husband having a different memory of a situation than I did. For example, my husband claimed that no matter how quietly he entered the bedroom to go to bed, I would wake up. I had no memory of this even though, according to him, it happened every single night. My recollection was that I would close my eyes to go to sleep and would not open them again until the next morning. However, my husband would tell me that we had even had conversations when he awakened me, and I had no memory of this. I chalked it up to talking in my sleep, but I was really losing time every single night.

While there are certainly some people with DID who do experience things like “coming to” in another city, running into strangers who appear to know them, finding clothing in their closet that they don’t remember buying, etc., this is not a requirement to have DID. It is all a matter of how your own multiple system works and how effective it is at hiding the truth from your host personality (the part you view as “me”).

It is quite possible to lose time, even on a regular basis, without having an awareness of losing time. That was my reality for almost four decades, and I definitely had DID.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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