On my blog entry entitled Good Article on Overcoming Food Addiction, a reader posted the following comment:
and its just came to my mind the way that one reader wrote a letter to her body, during my therapy I was required to write a letter to my eating disorder treating it as a friend. It went like: Dear ….(whatever eating-disorder it is),
I would like to thank you for….
ie. always being there for me, for always protecting me…etcIt totally helped me change my perspective cos then I was able to see how much I got out off that “relationship” with my eating disorder and why it had been such a faithful companion to me. And step by step I was able to see my needs behind it and learned to fulfill those needs in a more constructive way ~ Queen of Acknowledgement
I have been thinking about this comment all week and trying to decide how I feel about viewing my eating disorder as my “friend.” I also talked with an off-line friend about this theory. She rejected the notion of viewing an eating disorder as a friend outright, but I am much more open to the idea, although I confess that I have never once considered doing so.
On the one hand, I have one offline friend who told me that it is important to distance yourself from what ails you. She says that I should not call compulsive overeating “my” eating disorder because I don’t need to claim an attachment to it. Her advice is contrary to what Queen of Acknowledgement is saying.
I have been thinking about the advice I give repeatedly – that the key to healing from child abuse is to love and accept every part of yourself, expressing your feelings and emotions as you experience them. Isn’t what Queen of Acknowledgement advises doing just that? Rather than reject the part of myself that found comfort in food when my life had little comfort, perhaps I need to honor and accept the creativity I found in surviving the unsurvivable. Perhaps Queen of Acknowledgement is onto something really profound. What do you think?
Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt
Faith,
One of the things that keeps me (most of the time) from spiraling into despair as I heal is that everything and I do mean EVERYTHING I ever did was to protect some part of myself which needed protection.
I used whatever was available to help that happen, as I couldn’t use what I didn’t know about. And honestly at the time of using it, it was a friend.
Had I tried to distance myself from it (whatever it was) some other part of me would have suffered something unthinkable, or so I believed.
We received a benefit from behaving a certain way or allowing certain behaviors. If we didn’t receive some unacknowledged benefit, the behavior would cease or we would cease to allow it. Especially if we thought it was harmful or dangerous.
I believe for some of us, it’s not until we uncover the hidden benefits, ie how these behaviors are our “friends” that we truly begin to break them down and release them.
For those who need to see how and why, distancing ourselves creates more problems than it solves. We replace one behavior with another if we aren’t yet ready to face the core need the behavior fills and if we don’t yet know how to fulfill that behavior another way. It’s like treating the symptoms of say food poisoning, while continuing to eat the food causing the poisoning.
Again everyone will respond differently. We all heal differently as well.
What I’ve found for me is that distance doesn’t really work, although it looks like it has on the surface and in the immediate present. What I find is the behavior reinvents itself as something a little less noticeable because I’m still not fulfilling the needs that behavior fills, in a way that is healthy.
Sounds like maybe, “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. When I lose weight that’s what I do – think about it every minute of every day or I can’t control it. I just never thot of it as being my “friend”.
Yes I believe she is on to something. Makes sense to look at it as something that has helped you cope. And it is worth mentioning that she put the word “friend” in quotation marks allowing for the idea that it is a coping mechanism which needs to be examined rather then something to be embraced.
I can pick my addictions and have done so through out my life. I was addicted to eating well, exercising regularly, not working long hours and being financially secure. Then one day as knew. “Nope that is not it.”
In a real way I am now addicted to healing.
I need to know the why, when it started and that it makes perfect sense for my experiences. I do not even go with the behavior changes that happen are better only that they are better for now and that I like now better.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen, patriciasinglet. patriciasinglet said: RT @FaithLotus: Is Your #EatingDisorder Your “Friend”?: http://t.co/LXfmEav #bulimia #anorexia #bingeeating #compulsivingeating […]
Well, what I think I will do, is try writing a similar letter to my food (I do love and adore food:) – and just see what I learn and if it helps. It will be interesting.
I think viewing writing a letter to the eating disorder (or addiction or negative coping thing) is a good idea. It does two things, makes it into a separate thing outside oneself (so that I can still be ‘myself’ but not have it anymore) and acknowledges that it has been buying me something I needed but that I might be able to get at a lesser cost. I like the idea of identifying what positives something I want to let go of has given me, it gives me choices about whether I am ready to give those things up, or just get them in a more functional way. Good topic, Faith.
It’s just another friend that makes all kinds of promises and then lets me down…
Whatever works.
I actually find this idea really intriguing. I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for 20ish years. I am more “in control” now as compared to the way that I was when living in the heart of the disease, but it is still with me in many ways. As I have grown and gotten older and really begun to make an effort to heal from past abuse, I have hugely avoided digging deep into the hows and why’s of the eating disorder. However, because I do have some perspective at this point, I realize that the eating issues really do serve me in many ways, and I have been unwilling to let go of the crutch that it offers. Perhaps writing a letter to this “friend” can offer some clarity and perspective that will help me to understand why I insist on keeping it around….clearly there is and has been a huge benefit for me in spite of all of the pain and struggle caused.
I think that sometimes I need a certain distance in order to understand parts of myself and the idea of writing a letter may provide this needed distance, which in turn provides some perspective and, hopefully, clarity.
Personally, I have NO trouble thinking of my eating disorder as my “friend.” Years ago I would not have said that, but now I know that there have been times when this disorder held my hand, kept me company, and spoke for me in ways that I was wholly incapable of doing on my own. I find that it makes perfect sense in the scope of the abuse and what my unmet needs have been. The issue is that there comes a point where I know that I need to let this “friend” go, and this is where the greater clarity needs to come in, because, frankly, it’s a terrifying prospect for me.
Thank you for this topic, its a great one. I am going to write that letter and see what insight it provides.
Please help. My son, almost 13 hoards food. Some facts:
He is not adopted, and there has always been plenty of food. He takes meds for ADD which make him lose his appetite. When not medicated he has poor impulse control and doesn’t get along with people. He has been bullied. Boys call him “gay”.He adores his dad, but we are divorced and he never knows exactly when he will see Dad next. He doesn’t seem to be “growing up” still like a little boy, more like 7-8. Very smart, very loving toward me and others if he knows they like him.
I had/have anorexia, but not actively for years. I never talk about weight. I have tried to be careful with this.
Hi, Blue.
I would take your son to a child psychologist and let him sort it all out. My son has never been abused. He used to hoard food when we was on stimulants for his ADHD. He had no appetite all day and was ravenous at night. Even though I did not limit his access to food at night, he would still hide it in his room. This end when we switched to Strattera, which is a non-stimulant drug for ADHD. The cause might simply be the medication.
ADHD children are frequently ~ 18 months behind their peers in emotional development. Mine seems to be even farther behind. All of what you are seeing could be a result of the ADHD. I would talk to your child’s doctor about this.
– Faith