On my blog entry entitled Remembering Sexual Abuse Incidents but Not the Rapes, readers posted the following comments:
Is is possible for an abuser to forget the abuse that he or she did, or to forget the abuse that he or she enabled? I know the victim can forget – can the abuser(s)? ~ Lilo
So can an abuser have ‘forgotten’ or is he/she manipulating people in believing that (s)he is completely innocent (and we, the victims consequently crazy) and is (s)he just lying/denying all the way? ~ Chloe
This is a topic that continues to haunt me as well because I am in the same boat. I truly do not believe that my mother/abuser carries a conscious memory of the abuse that she inflicted upon my sister and me, but I know that she carries memories of it in her subconscious mind. I will get into that in tomorrow’s blog entry.
Before proceeding with this topic, let me add my therapist’s warning – He told me that I need to stay out of my abuser’s head. He said that, regardless of what was going on in her head, her actions hurt me. So, whether or not my mother/abuser consciously remembers the abuses that she inflicted does not change the damage done to me. Her mindset has no bearing on the wounds inflicted or my right to heal.
While I understand where my therapist is coming from, I think it is completely human and understandable to want to know the answer to this question. This woman turned my childhood into a living hell. Could she possibly be walking around in her day-to-day life with no memory of the damage she did for decades? If she does remember, she is a d@#$ good liar. If she doesn’t remember, then why in the h@#$ did she put me through it in the first place? What was the point? Either way, it makes no sense.
The other reason I think we child abuse survivors feel a need to know is because we question our own sanity when we recover very detailed memories of abuse that are denied. When we know that we were harmed in a very specific way with very specific details, it makes us feel “crazy” when our abusers can look us straight in the eye and flatly deny that it happened. That sets us up for an “either you are crazy or I am” dynamic, and our abusers are perfectly happy to let us believe that we are the crazy ones. I guess that is why my therapist cautions me against “going there” at all.
Today is just an introduction to the topic. Tomorrow, I will share my “evidence” that my mother/abuser has memories of committing the abuse (at least at a subconscious level). Then, I will share some of my theories in answer to this question on Wednesday.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
I think your therapist is wise about staying out of the “abusers head”, and yet, how can we resist such a mystery? Especially when it has direct bearing on our lives? I imagine that it’s very hard to do…
A couple of thoughts about this… Just as the victims are many times ashamed of the abuse, my guess is it is the same for many abusers as well. They are acting out their shame and thwarted efforts at power with children in secret. On at least a societal level they know it is taboo. So that is one reason not to admit it.
The denial process is a very weird thing… It could also be that some of them think if they deny it long enough, the victim will just think it was a bad dream or something or just give up and move on. “forget about it” As if THAT were possible. But having been in denial about other things in my life, I know how illogical the reasoning used in denial can be.
Then there is the idea that perhaps some of the abusers were either “programed” as children themselves or have DID or some other condition that renders them unable to remember or face it. Because seriously, a mentally healthy human being would NEVER engage in sexual activity with a child, so SOMETHING is wrong with them, period.
I’m not saying all this as excuses or reasons to forgive them. All I am saying is that there are many reasons why a person would continue denying it, but like your T said… it’s best to stay out of their heads. Stop giving them power and believe in your own reality. Believe in your own memories and your self.
Guess I had a lot to say! Who knew? Great post Faith.
Peace,
mia
Great post, Faith. Looking forward to Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s post.
My memories were not forgotten rather never remembered, to me that is key. The memories were never in my consciousness. That is why when the memories come into my consciousness it feels like it is happen now.
When an abuser is exposed they do not feel like it is happening now they are all about how it is effecting them now. I feel that is different.
That being said I after spending very much time thinking about it which was part of my processing I do not care anymore about manipulative narcissistic people other than I don’t want to be around them.
Now I spending my time wondering why can’t people see the people as manipulate and narcissistic. Perhaps I don’t care about them either.
By the way Faith I am getting up earlier these days. Please post earlier so as not to inconvenience me. Smile.
MFF,
LOL!! When are you getting up? I am on EST and typically set it to publish in the 5:00-6:00 a.m. range. I don’t mind going earlier, though. How about in the 3:00-4:00 a.m. range? I am fast asleep when it publishes, so it doesn’t matter to me. :0)
– Faith
This is too funny. I have no idea when I get up. I only know there is not post like there is supposed to be.
I will just go with if there is no post than it is earlier.
I agree that staying out of the abuser’s head is wise. I didn’t listen and got myself all upset getting into my mother’s head. She denies everything too, of course. I absolutely agree though that she knows and remembers…on some level.
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Cyndi and Faith Allen, patriciasinglet. patriciasinglet said: RT @FaithLotus: Is it Possible for an #Abuser to “Forget” the #Abuse?: http://t.co/3iHEKeO #RepressedMemories […]
I asked my therapist this a few weeks ago, because one of my abusers is still in contact with my family and comes over to our house at least once a week (I have to stay in my room the entire time until she leaves). Anyway, the way she acts around my family and people in general is that she is the victim and she has never done anything wrong. My therapist actually got to meet this abuser and observed her on several different occasions. My therapist believes that this abuser does not remember the abuse she inflicted on me because her mind simply cannot handle it. My therapist said that one day, when her mind is ready, the memories will surface and she won’t be able to hide what she has done.
Looking forward to your next post!
Bee
[…] my blog entry yesterday, I kicked off the topic of whether it is possible for a child abuser to “forget” or repress […]
this is scary. how do i know if i abused anybody?
Hi, Tentmaker.
I had the same fear when I first started therapy. I looked my therapist straight in the eye and said that if I recovered any memories of abusing my then-three-year-old child, I would kill myself to protect him from me. My therapist said that I would not abuse him. He knew this because of how passionately I felt about keeping him safe.
When you dissociate, you never act in a manner that is contrary to who you are. For example, while dissociated, I might harm myself if I believe that it will protect my baby sister, but I would not harm her or another child because that goes against the grain of who I am.
– Faith
hi Faith.
but what if i’m evil or broken (like you said in your today’s post) or sick or something… how can i know who i really am and what i could do if i can’t even trust my own memory?
I agree that it is wise to stay out of the abuser’s head. However, I still needed to find some answers for myself. I’m pretty certain my abuser is a sociopath (a person who feels no empathy, and therefore has no guilt or restraints from doing whatever they want to).
I read a book called ‘predators’ that talked about common profiles of abusers and the one he fit best was sociopath. Thinking back, I’ve never seen him demonstrate empathy. I’ve checked it out with some of my other relatives who knew him when he was younger and they agree too. There was something wrong with him. If that is true, then he abused me because he felt like it, and he could get away with it, and he’d do it again. It was nothing personal. Apparently 3% of the population are sociopaths, and the main indicator is not the lack of empathy, which is hard to spot, but a common strategy of trying to make people feel sorry for them to get out of the consequences of their actions.
Funnily enough, knowing he’s a sociopath, made me feel a lot better. It’s not personal. It had nothing to do with me. I don’t need to find a way to understand or make him realize the harm he did. It won’t work. I feel like I finally have answers.
Apparently, from what I read, sociopathy is partly genetic, but a child born with the tendency might not become sociopathic, if they are parented in a way that helps them learn to make emotional attachments as a very young child with their family members.
[…] 1, 2010 by faithallen On Monday, I asked the question Is it Possible for an Abuser to “Forget” the Abuse? but only introduced the topic. Yesterday, I wrote about the Evidence of My Mother/Abuser’s […]
Renee Fredrickson in her book “repressed memories” (great book in my opinion) suggests that abusers are most likely dissociated when carrying out their abuse. She suggests that when any part of the ugly truth of what they have done enters their consciousness that they will rationalise and jusitfy their behaviour in some way that keeps them safe from the memories of their own abuse and associated feelings. Basically, they strongly identify with the person/people that abused them and hate the vulnerable child victim that they once were. Obviously this is just a theory, the only person who truly knows whether they forget what they did is the abuser and if they forget what they did then there’s no point in asking them.
In my opinion, even if the abuser did remember every act of abuse they perpetrated, they would not be capable of being accountable for their own behaviour, nor capable of feeling sorry or expressing remorse for what they did because they do not allow feelings that would make them vulnerable e.g. sorrow, shame, fear, regret, doubt, guilt, tolerance, patience etc. All of these emotions require some sensitivity to the abused child they once were.
Abusers decided long ago that certain feelings were way too dangerous.
My own mother would say “sorry” if she thought it would get her what she wanted but it would just be a word expressed with the appropriate facial expression. It would be devoid of any emotion or empathy for the other person. It would just be an act of manipulation. In fact I would go so far as to say that abusers probably look down their noses at sensitive people with emotions as naive or stupid. This is probably another thread but I was on a roll 🙂