Can anyone else relate to feeling “trapped” in a body you don’t want to be in when you are really triggered? I am not quite sure how to explain this feeling other than feeling like I am a spirit have a “human experience,” and I want that human experience to end. (This is not a suicide note.) It is like I know in the deepest parts of myself that I am supposed to be a spiritual being not tied to all of this humanity crap, and a part of me rebels against being “forced” to experience humanness. Does this make any sense to anyone?
When I am in a very dark place (as I have been for the past couple of weeks), I just want to be released from this body and this “human experience.” No, I am not considering suicide or anything like that. It is more of an internal anger at being forced to experience human pain that I don’t think is a natural state for a spiritual being. In my head, I “get” that my time here on earth is a learning experience to help me grow into whatever I am supposed to grow into. However, in the moment when I am very triggered, my spirit gets really p@$$ed off, and it is like I know in the depths of my being that it is not supposed to be this way.
I wonder if that is why we dissociate in the first place, even as little children. We know that we are not supposed to experience this type of pain, and we also know that we are not supposed to be confined to these human bodies. So, we flee to the extent that we can through dissociation.
I don’t know about all of you, but I have memories of being pretty far away from my body while dissociated during some of my abuse. I remember being way up in the treetops while my body was being abused way down below. It is like a part of me knows that this is not right – that I am not supposed to be confined to a painful human existence. And yet, for some reason, I am tethered to this body and cannot escape it until I die. I wonder if that is part of what drives some people to suicide. (Again, I am not suicidal as I write this.)
The irony is that I feel most alive and where I am supposed to be when I choose to live in my body. I was successful living in this manner for a few weeks recently. However, in this moment, as I am triggered and have been for a while, I cannot fathom wanting to stay in this body and embrace being there. My head knows that my place is fully living in my body, and the triggered part of myself fights this knowledge completely, desiring to be anywhere but here.
I don’t know how much sense I am making. Can anyone relate to this? As I have shared many times before, my incredible strength can also be my downfall because when I go down the “wrong” path, it is at 200 mph.
Photo credit: Hekatekris