I have shared over the past couple of days about my struggles with seasonal depression and feeling very triggered. This went on for a solid 2-1/2 weeks. It kicked off with numerous emotional triggers on top of physical illness (two back-to-back colds). I had lots of little things happening that kept the triggers going. Over the weekend, I was in a pretty dark place, which was when I wrote my blog entries for Monday and Tuesday.
I woke up at 4:00 a.m. on Monday morning and could not fall back to sleep. I finally gave up and watched a TV show. It had been a long time since I just sat and did something nice like that for myself. (My son was sick with a 102+ fever for a week last week, so there was no time to nurture myself.)
Then, I did yoga, meditation, and mudras for contentment and to relieve anxiety. All weekend, I just felt the need to cry uncontrollably but never had the privacy to do it. I was able to release some of this emotion as part of the yoga and meditation process.
Through meditation, I zeroed in on the lie that was kicking my tail – the lie that I would be abandoned over the holidays. As a child, the holidays meant that all contact was cut off from those who were positive influences (teachers, friends, etc.), and I was left 24/7 with my dysfunctional father (when he was around), abusive mother, and my mother’s abusive friends.
Being sick followed by Thanksgiving followed by being in isolation with my sick child set that lie off full force. No matter how many emails I received inquiring about my son’s condition and no matter how many phone calls I received from friends, I felt abandoned and alone.
I turned to my faith to help fight the lie. I wrote Joshua 1:5 on an index card and recited it multiple times throughout the day. Whenever my mind when anywhere unpleasant, I stopped “The Voice” and replaced it with this Bible verse.
I also went to see a movie with a friend on Monday – something that had been postponed first for her sick kid and then for mine. There was a scene that triggered the abandonment “voice,” but I immediately shut it off with the verse I had memorized.
For whatever reason, everywhere I went on Monday and Tuesday found me running into someone I knew – someone who was sincerely happy to see me and wanted to chat. I think this was grace – helping me to see firsthand that I am not abandoned or alone even though we are in the holiday season.
I know I am making this sound simple, but believe me – it was not easy. By Sunday night, the darkness was enveloping me. This is a huge battle going on inside of me, and I feel like the weary warrior who keeps getting knocked off her feet and has to keep finding the courage to stand back up and face down her demons.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
That is good. I too have been waging a strong battle and God has given me certain scriptures to help me through, one of them very similar to yours: Hebrews 13:5 & 6, also Is 59: 19, Song of Solomon 2:4
Abandonment, yes, I was thinking about what you had written and it has made something clearer for me about what is going on in me during a trigger event.
For me, dissociation IS abandonment.
A necessary abandonment of the body by the mind in times of crisis.
Abandonment of the body with all those hideous memories and feelings of sadness, fear, confusion, terror, anxiety etc. contained therein.
And then healing for me is about staying present to myself when all around me have abandoned me as was the case in my childhood.
The safety net for me is the reassurance that I will never abandon myself again, not for anybody.
Thanks for the post Faith.
You named the root of the holiday abandonment feeling for me. Thank you.
I find it aggravating when I describe something that was so hard and the description seems so simple. Kinda like he made a putt for a million dollars. It takes a lot to be in a position to make that putt. Then you have to make it. Sad as we get not trophy. So I will give you a trophy. It is most beautiful and the only one of its kind. It seems to be rose crystal. A magic trophy as it does not go in the mantle for others to admire it goes in you heart. Right where it belongs.
I have found with seasonal effect there are really three parts. The knowing it is going to happen and hoping it will not, when it is there and the recovery. I found that when I face it is going to happen it makes when it does easier and the after is better. Then it gets to where there is no after as it does not happen. That only happens when I am really recovered.
I have found that although seasonal it is really always there it is only harder to deal with in season.
I have also found that trauma that is for lack of better terms out of season there is a different dynamic. I was not prepared for it as it was out of season. In a way I liked the in season better as I was prepared and not blindsided.
Hi, MFF.
I love the imagery of the trophy. Thank you! :0)
– Faith
Wow! I love what you said. I’m only now getting back to reading responses.
You’re doing great work Faith.
Glad you had some time to yourself and to see a movie with a friend. Now that you have an idea of the trigger, maybe scheduling more coffee meetings or grown up play dates/visits might help you to feel connected to those that support you.
Hope your week keeps getting better.
mia
you are so strong.
i am tired of fighting the fight. im not strong enough.
glad you are doing better.
Hi, Lisa.
I think there is a “disturbance in the force” that is outside of you or me. My sister is struggling with panic attacks. I cannot seem to get enough sleep. I slept 10 hours last night, relaxed for seven hours (worked out, did yoga, watched a movie on DVD, and took a one-hour nap), and I am still feeling exhausted and “off.”
I should feel rejuvenated after the way I spent my day, but I don’t. That typically means that there is something outside of me that is influencing how I feel. It’s not the moon (I checked — the full moon it set to coincide with the Winter Solstice – Ugh). I am not depressed like I was last week. I am anxious and have a headache.
– Faith