Last weekend, I was in a very dark place. However, I managed to pull myself out on Monday by putting all of my tools into practice. I am no longer concerned about being “abandoned” over the Christmas holiday. Whenever the thought even crosses my mind, I know how to fight it.
I was OK on Monday and Tuesday, but then I started getting jittery on Wednesday and then feeling anxious on Thursday. My sister also had a panic attack on Thursday night. I thought this was perhaps another “disturbance in the force” outside of myself, which is frustrating because I do not yet know how to fight that. When the problem is not within me, it is much more challenging to know how to fight back within myself.
I stayed anxious all weekend. I used Xanax to sleep at night, and I found myself compulsively overeating for several days. I couldn’t tell you why – only that I felt “off” and anxious, and eating soothed that feeling.
On Saturday, my sister mentioned in passing that her university’s graduation was that day, and she was reminiscing with her children that it was exactly one year ago that she was the one graduating with her Bachelor’s degree. I did not think much of the comment at the time – no dots were connected.
Then, on Saturday night, I had a flashback dream that told me exactly what my problem is – It has been one year since I forced myself to see my mother/abuser again after a six-year hiatus. I only did this because my love for my sister outweighed my aversion to seeing my mother, and my sister invited us both to the graduation.
In the dream, I relived the moment of my mother hugging me. It wasn’t a complete repeat of the place, but it was a repeat of the emotions. I was having to spend time with my mother, even though I did not want to. I was making a real effort to be polite even though I wanted to run screaming from being anywhere near her. Then, she wanted a hug. I did not want to give her one, but I believed I had no choice, and my friend (who came with me last year to the graduation to be my “buffer”) stood next to me watching and letting me make the call. She had no way of knowing that there was no choice – only compliance because I never feel like I have a choice in my mother/abuser’s presence.
She hugged me thoroughly as I tried not to touch any part of her. A part of me wrestled with whether it would be easier just to let go and embrace her hug, but the larger part of myself had flashes of all of the ways I had been hurt in childhood by her body touching mine. The hug seemed to go on forever. As soon as it ended, I forced myself awake. My heart was racing, and I was very shaky.
It took me a couple of hours after being awake to tie it all together – Seeing her again was traumatizing, and her hugging me added to the trauma. I know all of you are thinking, “Duh!,” but I guess I never really made that connection. I saw it as facing past trauma, not as adding more trauma that needed to be processed.
I had so much drama trying to get home (our flight was canceled due to weather), and then I faced a breast cancer scare as soon as I returned, so I never took any time to work through my feelings and reactions to the trauma of seeing her again. I just wanted to put it all behind me…and now it is back on the anniversary of that newer trauma. Oh, joy!
Photo credit: Hekatekris
I’m so sorry, Faith. But I’m glad you figured it out. Two and a half years ago, I had the same health scare that you did last year. And of course – it happened right in the middle of a bunch of terrible stuff that was caused by the previous traumas. Unfortunately, the whole mess created a NEW trauma besides building on an old one. That is what my recent flashbacks were about, but I don’t want to blog it. I do understand, though. And I care about you.
Hopefully now that you’ve recognized it, it will go away or at least not have the same impact.
It makes total sense that you would not expect to process the trauma of seeing your mother again as an adult in the same way you do traumas from childhood. But it also makes total sense that you did given all that was happening. I remember that being a really intense time for you.
Interestingly, you may have mentioned the hug before, but when you said it in this post I sort of shuddered as if hearing it for the first time…
Peace,
mia
I wish when we found the answers, it made the symptoms go away. I’m glad you figured it out and I hope you can manage through it all safely.
It really does feel like abandonment when we don’t respect our own physical and emotional boundaries doesn’t it?
Abandoned by ourselves after
years of abandonment by others.
I think the biggest emotional obstacles to saying NO as an adult are guilt + fear and a deeper feeling of unworthiness.
Its such a short word, who would have thought it could cause so much devastation!
We can also say No to punishing ourselves when we fail to say No to something we are uncomfortable with.