It looks like I survived the holidays again. I wonder if I will ever reach a place where this fact is not a complete surprise to me. I have been surviving the holiday season for over four decades, but, in the moment, each holiday season seems like the one that will finally break me.
From the outside, this holiday season had much less drama and should not have rocked me in the way that it did. If you consider that I had to see my mother/abuser combined with a cancer scare during the holidays in 2009 and dealt with my mother-in-law’s sudden passing during the holidays in 2008, the holidays for 2010 had a lot less going on. No big drama happened in 2010. Nevertheless, I was still completely triggered and wigged out, so much so that parts of the holidays are a blur because I was so dissociated. I was either drinking wine or popping Xanax for a good portion of the holidays. I went through half a bottle of wine myself on Christmas Day and awoke with a bad cold on the 26th. I suspect that the dehydration of drinking so much wine didn’t help with trying to fight off a cold.
I spent most of the holidays either on the verge of a panic attack, feeling suicidally depressed, or sick. From the outside, there was no external cause for any of this. From the inside, the holidays were simply unbearable.
One big problem was really seeing the dysfunction on both sides of my family. My sister’s family (her and her children) are dysfunctional in one way, and my husband’s family (him, his father, and his brother) are dysfunctional in a completely different way. Each one’s version of dysfunction is glaringly obvious to the other, which magnified both sets of dysfunction to the point that it was nearly unbearable. I love all of them, but the dysfunction (especially when in contact with each other) was enough to make me want to claw my way out of my own skin.
Then there is my son, who is growing up seeing all of this dysfunction. I try to provide him with the healthiest environment that I can, keeping in mind that I can only provide as “sane” of an environment for him as I can manage for myself. I felt so badly about “checking out” on him through dissociation, but I simply was not strong enough. He says he had a great holiday other than Christmas Day (long story – part of why I went through half a bottle of wine myself), but I worry about how much of this dysfunction will be passed along to him. (I have money to pay for his therapy in adulthood!)
I wish I could figure out a way to make the holidays more bearable for next year. I hate feeling like I am crawling into a foxhole every December when the holidays roll around. I get so incredibly triggered, and I have yet to find a formula that works to make it bearable. I just keep reminding myself that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and I try to believe that I won’t always feel this out of control and miserable. There has to be a better way, but I have yet to figure out how to get there.
Photo credit: Faith Allen
Blooming Lotus 
faith
has your therapist ever suggested emdr?
i use a form of it when i start to feel
“movement” inside on a particular crazy atmospheric day
for example,
I was molested, by my mother, raped by oldest bro and uncle and other stuff i can’t really go into here.
and guess what i have to go have a pap smear today, i have cancelled before and now i “need” to go
just thinking about it makes me trigger, so today i am going to do what therapist calls the butterfly hug.
you wrap your arms around you touching both the right and left side, then tap ever so slowly and in rhythm,
saying to yourself , i am a good girl, it is Not my fault, and I am In a Safe place Now” over and over.
in your case maybe doing this multiple times throughout the day would be helpful.
worth a shot,
don’t wait until another holiday to strengthen your skill
take care,
wish me the best and same to you
bebopie
I am finding that dysfunction really works for most people. I can not fathom or imagine that this is so. I always thought they just did not understand. I think they understand very well and it works for them.
Hi, Michael.
I think you are right. Just watch an episode of “Everyone Loves Raymond.” That family is completely dysfunctional, but everyone has his or her role in it and doesn’t seem to want to change.
– Faith
I’m glad you got through the holidays. But I’m sorry it was so “dysfunctional”. Nobody deserves that, and I hope that next year you will look back and things will be easier for you.
My therapist reminds me that the holidays are a time we revisit ghosts of our pasts. A good friend reminds me we live in a broken world full of broken people. There is no family without its share of secrets and problems. I was molested by a much older male cousin when I was 4-5 years old. Seeing my grandmother and that side of the family is always hard for me. I self injured one time due to my feeling so overwhelmed and trapped this holiday. I pray you and I both can be free one day of all the pain. Not forget, but live in freedom from the past, able to make choices not entangled with our abuse. God Bless.