Some reader comments cause me to fear that some of you think I am much stronger and “together” than I really am. My biggest concern with any of you believing this is that you might believe that I have only healed to the degree that I have because I am “stronger” than you are. Because you are not “that strong,” healing is not accessible to you. The purpose of this blog entry is to show you some of my vulnerability and reassure you that I have been where you are and that I still cycle back to where you are, as I have over the past month.
I just let myself go and poured out my anxieties onto the screen, so this wound up being very long. I am going to let this post across the next four days. Think of this as getting a peak into my diary. My intention is nothing more than to give you a glimpse into what it is like to be me from the view of my own head. I don’t intend it as a “pity party.” I intend it as a snapshot of how I view myself and my life, which is likely very different from how you view me. I hope you will take away from this that the same is probably true about you. Your own self-view is likely just as different from how others view you as your view of me differs from this “diary snapshot.”
I have not been doing very well over the past month. I am blessed to have offline friends who can honestly tell me that I have made great improvement from last year because I was an anxiety-ridden basket case for three months last Christmas, and it has only been a month of it this time. While it is nice to hear that I am improving, when I am in this place, I really don’t “hear” it. All I know is that I have been working so hard to heal since 2003, and yet here I am, having to take Xanax daily to function, shaking and feeling panicky and overly sensitive to triggers.
At Christmas, there are plenty of triggers to keep me in an emotional frenzy, so I cannot come down from one before the next one gets slapped on top of it. So, by the time I get the d@#$ed Christmas decorations put away (always on January 1 – as fast as I can!!), my sense of “normal” is operating at about 80% anxiety level. If I could just get back to exercising at the gym, doing yoga & meditation, and taking one day off a week to enjoy being alive (my personal “Sabbath” that I observe on Thursdays so I can be alone in my house), I can get back down to my baseline (which, quite honestly, is probably quadruple a “normal” person’s anxiety level).
To be continued…
Photo credit: Hekatekris