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Archive for January 21st, 2011

Continued from here.

My house is in shambles because my kid has been home so long from the inclement weather, and I don’t have time to clean it all up (he does a thorough job) because my son and I flying to Florida to celebrate his birthday with my sister and nephews. I am trying to stay on top of my classes (I work part-time as an online college instructor), keep up with the bills, manage my son’s medications (the antibiotics for his ear infection brings me up to medicating him four times a day for that, asthma, and ADHD). I have been arguing with hub over blowing off my son’s birthday. I haven’t seen much of my offline friends due to the holidays and then inclement weather, and I have had very little time alone, so I haven’t been able to manage my anxiety through friendships or yoga. I still can’t take a shower before bed because I am dripping sweat when I wake up and just have to take another one.

I just want to cry and scream. I feel like I need to cry for hours, throw things at the wall, and pound the floor at the unfairness of my life. If somebody else beamed into the day-to-day of my life, she would probably tell me to stop my whining because I have a really good life. However, I cannot enjoy or appreciate it because I am constantly flooded with anxiety during the day and nightmares during the night. I am not suicidal, but I beg and plead for a “shorter life” because I don’t want to keep doing this for another 30 or 40 years.

This is me after healing since 2003. This is me IMPROVED from last year. Even in this terrible place that I am right now, I can acknowledge that I have good days which used not to be the case, so I know I am making so much progress. Despite all of this anxiety, my weight has stayed fairly steady, which means that I am making improvement on the eating disorder. I have not self-injured at all. I am sleeping some nights without a sleep aid, which is improvement. Progress is measured in baby steps, not miles.

So, that’s me, folks ….your “brave, strong” friend in Blogland. I still get triggered. I still struggle. I might have developed more healing tools than you have, and I might no longer lose time like some of you do, but I am still one of you. I still have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and alter parts. I am still vulnerable. I hate it, but I am still vulnerable.

I apologize if nobody got anything out of what I wrote, especially since this is now going to run for four days. I needed it, though. These thoughts have been swirling around in my head for a month now, and there has been no safe place to express them. Hopefully, this place was safe. I have been crying as I poured all of this out. (Imagine how my offline friends feel when I get going in person!). I hope this will be cathartic and that I can move forward as I get on that plane this afternoon and leave my life behind for a few days. (I wrote these four days on 1/14/11 – My son and I are going to Florida for the long weekend.) Thanks for listening.

Photo credit: Hekatekris

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