On my blog entry entitled Black Swan: Movie about Mother-Daughter Sexual Abuse , readers started a discussion about “sexual grinding,” otherwise known as frottage. Here are some of the comments:
Nina’s masturbation involves grinding against the bed and bed covers; many survivors of sexual abuse engage in furniture grinding as a compulsive sexual behaviour. ~ Tara
I did not know about the compulsive sexual grinding against furniture, but I suspected later on in life that it was a sign.. I was doing it at 8 years old against the furniture compulsively and asked my mom over and over what was wrong with me, but she never said. My therapist thought perhaps my mom had buried her own abuse by her father, who later abused me. Do you know where more information on the compulsive behaviors for victims of sexual abuse might be found? ~ Deb
Hi, I only know that in the weeks and months following my friend’s suicide, as myself and her other friends tried to crawl our way through the horror of what had happened and figure out what J’s last hours had been and what had driven her to her desperate act, J’s partner told me that she used to grind herself against the furniture in a sexual and at times almost violent manner and that a therapist had told her that this was indeed symptomatic of childhood sex abuse survivors. Maybe someone else on here knows more? ~ Tara
I had not heard of this particular aftereffect of sexual abuse before. I had never heard of masturbation as a form of self-injury either until a fellow child abuse survivor shared her story. In both situations, I can see how the aftereffect ties into the history of sexual abuse. I tried to find resources online but came up empty, so I guess this blog entry will become the go-to place for people who struggle with compulsive sexual grinding or frottage just like it has served this purpose for those who struggle with masturbation as a form of self-injury.
Here is what I did find … The term for compulsive sexual grinding is frottage, which the dictionary defines as “the act of obtaining sexual stimulation by rubbing against a person or object.” Any child who is engaging in this behavior should be screened for possible sexual abuse because deriving pleasure from sexual stimulation in this manner is not normal behavior.
Any behavior that you might have engaged in as a child in reaction to the sexual abuse can carry over into adulthood, so it is understandable that a child who suffered from sexual abuse and was never provided therapy would grow into an adult who continues to be drawn to engaging in frottage with furniture, objects, or other people.
I admit that I have limited knowledge about this aftereffect of sexual abuse, so I am hoping that some of my readers will post comments on the subject. Are there any resources out there for people who struggle with frottage or compulsive sexual grinding? The only resources I could find seemed to be “kink” sites that brought people together who enjoy the activity, not healing resources.
The one thing I can tell you with certainty is that you are not alone. You are not a “freak” for engaging in this behavior. Compulsive sexual grinding or frottage is a normal aftereffect of sexual abuse, and you can heal from it.
Photo credit: Hekatekris
Blooming Lotus 
[…] Compulsive Sexual Grinding/Frottage as Aftereffect of Child Abuse … […]
I’ve not heard of it or the term frottage, but it makes perfect sense. Perfect sense.
I’ll keep open to any info coming my way.
Peace
m
Hi, Mia.
I had not heard of it, either, until reading the comment on the “Black Swan” blog entry and doing some research myself. I am already receiving emails from readers who struggle with frottage but don’t want to post anything about it publicly.
For anyone who struggles with frottage, feel free to log out as your current user name and create a new anonymous name for the purposes of responding to this blog entry. (If an email address is required, create a free one with Hotmail or Gmail with anonymous information.) Nobody will associate your comment with the other “name” we know you by here, and you will be met with nothing but support here. See my blog entry on masturbation as a form of self-injury to see how supportive the community is here.
You are not alone.
– Faith
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Faith Allen, Jim Duncan. Jim Duncan said: Compulsive Sexual Grinding/Frottage as Aftereffect of Child Abuse … http://bit.ly/gUSL3V […]
I don’t know of any relevant resources, I’m sorry. But this exactly the type of behaviour I engaged in in my late childhood and teenage years. I’ve always been disgusted about it, digesting that I’m not alone and that it’s related to what was done to me rather than it being a character flaw is a massive relief. Thank you.
Hi, Pandora.
Thank you for speaking out. Frottage is definitely NOT a “character flaw.” I think it makes perfect sense as an aftereffect of sexual abuse in the same way that masturbation as self-injury does.
– Faith
I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to write this without it sounding disgusting, but I can’t. Perhaps it will not sound that way to you, but to me it brings up shame… regardless, because I am committed to healing and extending that healing to others, I’m going to write it here. I am not going to include my online blog handle.
I remember starting this kind of behavior when I was around eleven, but it may have occurred before that. It was compulsive, and it was something I did without any knowledge of why I was doing it. I couldn’t explain it but I knew it was “bad” and I certainly did not want anyone to know.
Usually it was a pillow or blankets, rolled up which I rubbed against.
When I was about twelve, I had an orgasm doing this activity and it completely freaked me out. I had no idea that could happen. The compulsion became stronger after that.
As I said, it still feels shameful. I thought this was possibly a normal part of adolescence… but now I am doubting it. The shame attached is not normal.
Hi, Anonymous.
Thank you for having the courage to speak up! :0)
The shame is the big red flag that something is not “normal.” As a teenager, I used to feel shame when a boy kissed me for the first time. These were very innocent “first date” types of kisses, but I couldn’t raise my eyes, and I felt like it was “wrong.” However, I would watch first kisses on TV and hear my teenage friends talk about their first kisses. What I saw and heard was nervousness followed by joy. I never felt joyful after a first kiss.
Of course, a first kiss is a normal part of developing, but the fact that I felt shame was a big red flag that something was not “normal.” Of course, now I have the missing pieces — the sexual abuse is what caused the shame.
I know that masturbating is a normal part of puberty and beyond, and I know that using inanimate objects as part of masturbating (such as a vibrator) is also normal. However, I don’t think that it is normal to feel shame from masturbating (unless someone walks in on you, but that has more to do with embarrassment than shame). I also think that normal masturbation is about pleasuring yourself to make yourself feel good, not compulsion. I would guess that the same would apply to frottage. “Normal” masturbation could include the use of pillows or blankets as a part of making your body feel good, but it would not include compulsion or shame.
– Faith
I learned about frotteurism as an official sexual disorder in an abnormal psych class. While it sounds like the commenters on your post do not rub up against unsuspecting strangers, here is some info on the disorder:
The professional handbook of the American Psychiatric Association (APA), the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV), lists the following diagnostic criteria for frotteurism.
Recurrent, intense, or arousing sexual urges or fantasies, that involve touching and rubbing against a nonconsenting person.
The person has acted on these sexual urges or fantasies, or they cause the person significant distress, to a degree they are disruptive to everyday functioning.
Hi, Cyndi.
Thanks for the information! I just posted the same thing in the comments before before I found your comment. (It was sorted into the spam filter for some reason.)
I did not include frotteurism in my blog entry because, as you pointed out, the disorder does not include sexual grinding against inanimate objects. However, I do think it is important information for my readers to have. :0)
– Faith
I have very distinct memories of doing this when I was young, I kept it up until I was a teenager and then I started sleeping around instead of engaging in frottage. I never even knew there was an actual word for the behavior.
I always felt disgusted after, and I tried so hard to stop, but it was just a habit, I ran on autopilot.
Hi, Jade.
Thank you for speaking out. I think it is the compulsive nature of frottage that makes it an aftereffect of sexual abuse. If frottage was something you chose to do for pleasure, that would be “normal” masturbation. However, the urge being on “autopilot” with your inability to stop it is what makes frottage a compulsion.
I have written quite a bit about dealing with compulsions. I hope that labeling the frottage as a compulsion will empower you to let go of the shame and see it as a normal aftereffect of sexual abuse.
– Faith
No, I couldn’t find any resources about this either.
I wake up sometimes and find myself doing it against my bed sheets. As a child I remember doing it on the knob of the bannister and the armrests of our sofa. Now I sometimes find myself doing it when I’m riding my bicycle.
I write ‘find myself doing’ deliberately like this, because I have an 8-year old alter part that comes out sometimes.
***trigger warning: physical and emotional mother-daughter abuse***
I know already that for that particular alter part of mine rubbing her underbelly against our mother (abuser) was one of the most succesful ways of making amends with our mother, whenever she ignored us to the extent that we didn’t seemed to exist anymore. The rubbing of our bodies against each other was part of what our mother called our ‘special hugs’. When this alter part came out and tried to pacify our mother, this seemed to help most of the times.
Now, whenever this particular alter part feels she has to make amends with someone, this is her solution.
It’s her way of communicating.
***end of trigger warning***
And yes, I feel ashamed about this behaviour to (she tends to do this frequently with our therapist), especially because I don’t feel in control about it. And it’s difficult to change the urge, because it’s taught this way and was always seen as a welcome solution in dealing with our mother.
Hi, Chloe.
Your reaction makes perfect sense. I am glad that you are able to understand the reason behind the compulsion. A compulsion is exactly that — something that you cannot just stop doing. The compulsion feels even more out of control when “owned” by an alter part.
I can relate to experiencing compulsions held by alter parts. I had an alter part who would literally bang her head when faced with a “Sophie’s Choice” situation. (She wanted a brick wall, but I would aim her into a pillow instead.) My husband and I had an argument a few years ago. I cannot remember what the “Sophie’s Choice” was, but he said I had to choose between A and B, and neither alternative was acceptable to me. That alter part took over with an uncontrollable urge to bang my head. The best I could do was run from the room into my bedroom so I could make sure the head-banging happened in a safe place.
You can heal this part of yourself just as I have healed my compulsive alter part. It comes from loving and accepting that part of yourself, including the memories and pain, as “mine.”
– Faith
I think it is important to separate out what is a problem and an issue from sexual abuse and what is not.
Frottage can be normal. Frottage can be engaged in for pleasure is not restricted to those who have experienced sexual abuse.
Just as masturbation can be normal or can be self abuse so can frottage.
We are sexual beings.
Like so many things with sexual abuse there are not really words that are specific to the experience. There is not a word for frottage that is harmful.
Hi, MFF.
You are I are on the same page. I just finished posting a response to anonymous that said close to the same thing.
I don’t think that using an inanimate object as part of “normal” masturbation is any big deal. There are entire catalogs of vibrators — inanimate objects used for sexual pleasure — and few people think that those who use them for normal masturbation or to enhance a sex life are “sick.” The aftereffect from sexual abuse causing the shame seems to be the **compulsion** to engage in frottage.
Thanks for the clarification on this. :0)
– Faith
I was going to say this too MFF – frottage as the main way to masturbate is hardly unusual, nor is the compulsion to masturbate. The overlap for those who haven’t experienced CSA must be high. I suspect this is a case of fallacious argument i.e. lots of A do B thus assuming that all of B must have had A.
Hi, H.
I think the difference is the compulsive aspect of it. The woman who killed herself after sexual abuse and lots of resulting compulsive frottage would likely tell you that the frottage was not “enjoyable” but, instead, compulsive.
In prepubescent children, I do think that frottage is a red flag for sexual abuse. Post-puberty, I think that frotagge can be a normal part of masturbation, but compulsive frottage in which the person feels out of control and does not “choose” it for enjoyment but, instead, out of compulsion can be an aftereffect of childhood sexual abuse.
– Faith
One more thing … There actually is a term for “harmful” frottage, but it only applies to sexual grinding against a person per the DSM IV. The term is “frotteurism.” You can read the psychological definition here:
http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/frotteurismTR.htm
You can read more about it here:
http://www.minddisorders.com/Flu-Inv/Frotteurism.html
I found a website that lumps frottage into frotteurism, but the DSM IV (which is the authority on mental health definitions) does not include using inanimate objects, so I did not include it in my blog entry.
– Faith
Thank you so much for the post, I am soooo relieved. I got in trouble several times in the second grade for this type of activity … it just added to my shame because I couldn’t help it; didn’t understand. I learned to do it in private.
I literally feel like crying right now, knowing I’m not alone.
So many thanks to you all!
Hi, runner-gal.
I wrote a blog entry for my professional adoption blog, which will publish tomorrow:
http://www.ouradopt.com/
In that blog entry, I tell foster/adopted parents that frottage is a huge red flag for a history of sexual abuse in any prepubescent child. Your teachers and school counselor should have looked into your safety rather than punish your for this behavior.
– Faith
Wow, this has popped up a memory (?) of me rubbing against a doorknob. The thought came out of nowhere and I’m not sure if I can believe that it’s memory or not…
Really good post.
I never knew there was a word for it. I can’t remember when it started. I know as early as age 4. I know there is a reason but I don’t know what it is. My first memory of abuse isn’t until age 11 by someone different. In therapy and through my education I have learned enough to know that I have signs that the abuse started much much earlier – but I can’t access those memories right now. I’m not sure I want to. And I don’t feel any pressing need right now. But I’ll be following this blog and comments because there is so little written on this topic that I’ve been able to find.
Hi, LIM.
Welcome to my blog!
Yes, a four-year-old engaging in frottage is a huge red flag for sexual abuse. It is common for children who were sexually abused at a younger age to be revictimized by different perps when they are older and even into adulthood. We never learned that it was OK to have boundaries, and we are much less likely to “tell” when we are abused at older ages.
– Faith
this post kind of makes sense but everything inside me cries – it’s horrible! i’ve been into that kind of behavior since i remember myself. i wonder then, when did the abuse start and who started it.
it is clear to me now that when i was little it was compulsive and uncontrollable behavior but now it happens when i’m triggered and seems like my choice because it starts in my head. tried and failed to stop it so many times.
okay, i do this. sometimes i don’t realize i’m doing it. it just sort of happens. i have parts and they have certain stuffed animals that they use, each has a different one. i used to slide down the banister of the stairs when i was a little girl over and over again. i sit with my fist balled in front of my privates often just to rub up against it. i don’t like to be penetrated. i just like for things to be rubbed up against me. i remember getting in trouble often when i was a little girl for doing this. i never knew there was a word for it, or what i was really doing. i just know sometimes i would do it until i was sore. hmm..
All I could find so far on this was from the Missouri Division of Family Services and they list sexual behaviors under the age of 12 that are flags, warning that a child has been abused. Frottage was listed several times and the moree compulsive the more alarming it was.
http://www.rollanet.org/~childlaw/miscdocs/sbc12.htm
Personally I’m now thinking of past instances with not only doorknobs but the arms of couches.
Hi, Tai.
That is an excellent list! I will share it on my professional adoption blog for parents.
– Faith
For me seeing this or any other behavior exhibited which a child or I do which is the normal way a child will process their experiences and attributing it to the abuse and therefore the abusers is disrespectful to the child and my efforts to understand and process.
In effect addressing the result and not the issue.
To give the most importance to what happened and not what I do or did does not work for me and perpetuates all compulsions. Pretty much expressing until it is understood within the context of my experience and not anyone else works.
My experiences are abnormal not my reaction to these experiences.
I once read that a child that is severely abused and taken out of this environment and in a loving one will recover quite quickly. I do not know if this is true. I choose to believe it and is what we try to do for each other.
In my case the acting out was seen as being crazy by my parents who were not my abusers. It was seen as something is wrong with me not something happened to me that was wrong.
We often go with we knew how to heal all along and it was prevented and try as best we can to stay away from adult solutions to a problem that was not an adult problem.
In a real way the frottage can be expressive therapy if accepted for what it is and processed. Being disgusted or trying to explain it in adults terms is not helpful.
Say a child exhibits frottage behavior and the adult freaks out and starts to make it all about the abuse and the abuser. That leaves the child out of the process.
Obviously if the behavior is a sign that the child is currently being abused action has to be taken. That is an adult thing and should have nothing to do with the child other than to let the child know the abuser was wrong and that they will be protected. That the child is now protected is not enough. The child must process the experience. That is why we do not go with “you are safe now.” We go with you are safe now to process. It is hard and you should not have to do it.
Hi, MFF.
“I once read that a child that is severely abused and taken out of this environment and in a loving one will recover quite quickly. I do not know if this is true. I choose to believe it and is what we try to do for each other. ”
Actually, this is (sadly) not true for many abused children. I think it is true **for you** because you are choosing to love and heal from the inside, and your choice to love and accept yourself is the key to healing. Another person cannot choose this path for you.
The reason I know a lot about this topic is because I am very active in the online adoption community, and I write blog entries twice as week (on Tuesdays and Thursdays) to explain the mind of the abused child to foster and adoptive parents. Too many adoptive parents go into foster adoption believing that providing a loving home will magically heal the child. It doesn’t. The child must choose to receive that love, but many abused children are so emotionally damaged that they don’t trust kindness when they experience it.
I tell these parents repeatedly that no abused child is a “lost cause.” Providing a safe environment is the first step toward the abused child believing that a different way of life is possible. However, the seeds planted in childhood might not bear fruit until well into adulthood. Sadly, there is nothing that the adoptive parent can do to “make” the child receive the love.
Translating that to our world — How many of us have been in “safe” relationships with a therapist, partner, or friend in which the other person was completely loving and supportive, but we didn’t trust it? How many of us continue to tell ourselves that we are filthy and feel shame even with supportive people in our lives telling us otherwise?
Sorry — this is (obviously) a soapbox issue for me. I encourage foster and adoptive parents to give their abused children the tools the children need to do exactly what you are doing — to learn how to love and accept **themselves.**
– Faith
Hi, MFF.
I broke my responses into two comments because they are completely unrelated topics. :0)
The reason I wrote about compulsive frottage is twofold:
(1) Child abuse survivors often don’t know what “normal” behavior is from childhood. I think it is important for child abuse survivors to recognize that frottage was not a “normal” behavior for a younger child so, if they are feeling shame about engaging in it before puberty, then they can recognize that this behavior in childhood was a normal aftereffect of child abuse that the adults in their lives should have seen as a red flag for child abuse.
(2) Most child abuse survivors don’t talk about this aftereffect. (It seems to be as hidden as self-injury by masturbation.) I have learned through experience that what is kept in the dark encourages more shame. The more people who post, “Me, too!,” the more individual child abuse survivors who are ashamed of a frottage compulsion can recognize that they are “normal” — they are “normal” child abuse survivors.
I, personally, see nothing “wrong” with frottage. Unlike frotteurism, which involves doing this to other people who don’t welcome it, frottage is something that is not harmful to another person. I also see it as a much safer compulsion that the head-banging I used to do. (You can’t give yourself a concussion with frottage!) However, because of the sexual nature of frottage, people seem to be more ashamed to talk about it than head-banging, even though head-banging is a more dangerous compulsion.
I see frottage as no different from any other compulsion, although non-compulsive frottage could be used to pleasure the body whereas there is nothing “pleasurable” about head-banging, cutting your body, etc. My goal is for people to see frottage as another form of compulsion that is healed in similar ways and that should not bear shame.
– Faith
I should have been clearer with the quite quickly. By that I meant with proper treatment two to three years as apposed to if there is a life time of PTSD.
I did not intend to imply that getting the child our of the abusive environment was only the first step.
Hi, Michael.
I knew what you meant. :0) Sadly, there is a widespread belief that ending the abuse and getting the child into a safe and loving home is enough. I wasn’t sure if that author was perpetuating this incorrect information or not. According to numerous foster and adoptive parents, even two to three years is not enough for many emotionally damaged children. :0(
I know one couple who adopted a sibling group out of foster care, ages 10, 8, and 4. All were severely abused. The youngest overcame her issues within a couple of years and has fully bonded with her parents. The 8-year-old struggled with reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and put her adoptive parents through a lot of struggles in the early years. However, by age 14, she had come a very long way and was attaching. Sadly, the 10-year-old had to spend a lot of time in residential care. He has RAD and was completely out of control at home. Even by age 18, having a loving home was not enough. He was so badly damaged emotionally that he couldn’t/didn’t find a way to push through the fear and pain to risk loving again.
– Faith
Thank you, Faith, for writing more about this. You have helped me to honour my friend’s memory by bringing forward some open conversation on this topic. It is a relief for people to know they are not alone out there. Silence and secrets are deadly. I can feel J cheering right now that people are talking and sharing. I wish she lived to see the age of the internet and the power it has to bring us together, to help us learn and heal. With gratitude, tara.
Sorry if I missed this in earlier comments, I’m just curious, if frottage considered normal after puberty then? I just mean that everything is categorized as pre-puberty or even on the list I linked to as behavior before 12 years old, so if someone has done this during puberty does that make gringin against objects normal behavior? Like I said, I’m just curious but grinding against objects like furniture sounds…not quite normal even for a teenager and I don’t mean the bed or pillows, I mean other things that wouldn’t make sense.
Or have I missed the entire point of this post and we are talking about kids grinding against things that would otherwise be considered “normal” in say a teenager? 🙂
Wow does this question even make sense???
Hi, Tai.
The “fun” part for all of us with abnormal experiences is trying to understand what is “normal,” right? :0)
Pre-puberty, a child with “normal” experiences should not have any sexual urges. Of course, a child is a sexual being and can have sexual urges awakened prematurely through abuse, but “normal” sexual awareness for a pre-pubescent child is noticing that mild stimulation “feels good” without having an awareness of there being more reaching to an orgasm.
As an example, my four-year-son was curious why his penis would “go up” if he touched it in the bathtub. I told him this was normal and that, if he did not touch it for a few minutes, it would “go back down.” This was an interesting experiment to him. At age ten, he might stick his hand in his pants because it “feels good,” but it is not to achieve an orgasm. He doesn’t even know what an orgasm is. Frottage is much more sexual behavior that could lead to an orgasm, and this not behavior that would be “normal” for a child who has not had his or her sexuality awakened.
Now to children who have been through puberty — Their bodies have naturally awakened to sexual desire, and it is completely normal to masturbate. I see “normal” (versus compulsive) frottage as a form of masturbation and would not be concerned if my 15-year-old child engaged in frottage. However, **compulsive** frottage is a whole different ballgame. Normal masturbation, including frottage, should be an activity that the teen chooses to engage in for physical pleasure. Compulsive frottage is not really “chosen” (hence the compulsion), and it does not result in “pleasure” for the child. I would guess that an orgasm achieved through compulsive frottage would hold the same mix of pleasure and pain that many of us experience with consensual sex.
That’s my two cents. I welcome other views on the topic. :0)
– Faith
If you don’t mind Faith, this subject has come up on my blog in a private email from a reader and I’d like to redirect them to your post so they can read about it.
Hi, Tai.
Sure! I always welcome referrals and incoming links. :0)
– Faith
[…] Faith Allen over at Blooming Lotus did a blog post about omething called “frottage” and it described something I did as a kid but I didn’t remember it until I read her post. It was a “Wow” moment for me and I want to put the link here: https://faithallen.wordpress.com/2011/02/07/compulsive-sexual-grindingfrottage-as-aftereffect-of-chil… […]
I’ve never heard of this term before, but I remember doing this sort of thing when I was younger. I know it was before I went to Kindergarden, so probably around three years old until I was in second or third grade. I have held onto these weird memories of me doing these sexual things so early and have always wondered if maybe I was sexually abused as a child, even though I have no memory of that type of event. When I was really little I used to put little toys inside my underwear sometimes because I enjoyed how it felt. I used to ALWAYS sit on the staircase railing and grind on it and slide down it to experience the feeling. And I also remember going to my best friend’s house and sliding this plastic measuring tape toy back and forth down there while she wasn’t looking because I liked the feeling. I always did everything while nobody was around though so I somehow knew it wasn’t normal and that it was a “bad” thing? After I hit puberty I was very sexual all the time and was constantly masturbating. And since I’ve been sexually active I seem to only really climax when my partner is in complete control and dominant over me. Do you think I was sexually abused? Or is it possible for some people to just.. be like this? Sorry if this isn’t even relevant to the conversation, you just seem like someone who might have answers. Thanks for your time.
Hi, Jubi.
The behaviors you describe as a prepubescent child are a red flag for sexual abuse. I cannot tell you definitively if you were sexually abused or not, but you hold the answers in your subconscious. I can tell you that frottage in a young child is considered a sign of possible sexual abuse. See this link that Tai provided earlier in the comments:
http://www.rollanet.org/~childlaw/miscdocs/sbc12.htm
– Faith
Hello, I stumbled onto your blog here after trying to look something up about the subject itself.
I was molested by my father for three years. It started when I was 7 years old.
Anyway, this makes sense to me. As a 33 year old adult now the only way I can still achieve orgasm is from the rubbing/grinding act with myself or a man. If he can not perform that for me I can not achieve orgasm.
When I was little I masturbated habitually, sometimes I still often do. It builds up when I get frustrated at the slightest thing.
Much like an alcoholic reaches for a beer, or a cigarette smoker reaches for a cigarette, I would hide somewhere and masturbate by laying onto my hand and grinding on it.
At times I used my stuffed animals or furniture, so yes this makes sense!
I was never sure if I was normal or not, or if I was the only one who did this, but it has always been a secret.
Often times I fantasize about grinding off another woman just to have someone to share it with and not feel alone.
I wish I could achieve orgasm through normal sex, by penetration from a man. I just don’t know how!
My sex life leaves me feeling lonely and I am in a committed relationship with 3 children. I wish I could be better.
Sorry I made up a fake name and email, I am just much too embarrassed by this! Thank you for letting me say all this.
Hi, Linda.
“Faith Allen” is not my “real” name, either. It is a pen name to protect my privacy offline. I get it. :0)
– Faith
I do this. I have since I was very little. I hate it. I always use a corner of furniture usually a desk of cabinet. It’s hard. Im angry. It hurts. When I was 6 or 7 I would do this many times a day. I’m 25 now and do it multiple times a week. I hate it very much. I have torn myself open a few times and had blood blisters other times. There is only pleasure when there is pain. Intercourse with others brings no pleasure. I cannot masturbate any other way this is it.
I do this, too. The most effective way for me is just by lying facedown and grinding against the floor, although I can and have done it against furniture or pillows, too. I started doing it when the abuse first began, at around age 6. It’s always been an extremely compulsive behavior for me. When I was a kid, I would sometimes go into my bedroom and lie on the floor, grinding and grinding, sometimes for hours. I was always punished for it when I was caught, but I couldn’t stop.
It’s always been coupled with thinking about the sexual abuse itself or with fantasies about violent sexual acts or rape. It’s the only way I can orgasm to this day. I’ve tried “normal” masturbation, sex toys, etc., but this is still the only way I can get any kind of sexual release…and to be honest, the orgasms are pretty intense. Like one of the other posters above, I also fantasize about finding another woman to engage in it with me so that it doesn’t feel so isolating. It would mean so much to finally be able to have an orgasm along with, or in response to, another person.
I’m almost 40 now, and I still engage in sexual grinding compulsively, particularly when I’m feeling depressed or anxious. I will often watch violent porn online to get aroused and then lie down and grind until I climax, watch more porn, grind some more, etc. I’ve been extremely depressed and suicidal lately, and sometimes on weekends I will get trapped in this cycle for hours. I hate it and feel extremely ashamed that I can’t stop myself. It’s actually a big part of what makes me feel like killing myself sometimes.
I always thought that I was the only one. That I was weird or that something was wrong with me! So good to know that I am not alone.
I have never thought about this as being linked to sexual abuse. Oh my goodness. I did self-injure through masturbation [including um…putting scissors…somewhere…], but I hadn’t thought about this. It was compulsive for a couple years. Although it was weird because I’d technically gone through puberty–that started when I was 10–but it was weird to me because of how I masturbated. It’s like while the abuse was going on, I did and it was very…penetrative with my fingers or whatever. But when the abuse stopped, it turned to frottage stuff. And I don’t know why. Although I do know for years, it was all connected to thinking about t*rture and ab*se, but we never connected THOSE thoughts to what happened ’cause I blocked it all out.
thank you allen for your story.it has really encouraged me.i have a question first-if a child is exposed to ponographic material eg movies without being literally abused,would that cause frottage??the child for instance being 3-6yrs old?
thanks
Hi, snm.
Compulsive frottage is a coping mechanism likely in reaction to sexual abuse. Being exposed to pornographic materials, especially movies, is sexual abuse.
– Faith
*** sexual abuse triggers ***
Thankyou allen.please allow me to ask -when i was a kid,i had a close female relative with whom things happened.she was 12,i was around 7.she would make me use my tounge on her private parts.also,she’d make me touch her breasts and also put our legs in between each other.it felt ok but nothing as intense as she seemed to feel.it went on continuously for more than a year.first i was resistive then later on i was ‘ok’ with it .i didnt resist as much.i was free with my parents but i dont know why i never told them .there was no penetration but sometimes it hurt.later on,fate had us separated and while i was gone,i showed a friend what i knew and i remember she cried and i was sorry.later on,when i was about 11 and she 16,we met and she would beg me to caress her breasts and touch her,also her private parts and she would touch me back.at this point my sexual feelings were somehow active and would be confused on wanting to feel the pleasure but feeling so wrong.eventually it all ended by the time she was almost 18.in ourchildhood,she said it was a game and the 2nd time round she said it was for the sake of not hav having sex with boys so that we or rather she dosent get pregnant.she later apologised and we made up and i dealt with it andi am fine but also left wondering,what was that that happened between me and her?was it abuse or a game or what considering i resisted then eventually gave in after sometime?thankyou
I feel I have to post for a number of reasons. The act you’re describing is a normal and healthy part of both child and adult sexuality. Making black and white statements about ‘normalcy’ in relation to sexuality is not helpful to survivors.
Secondly you have stated in an above post that the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder is a ‘brain disease’. This is a contentious statement. As I’m sure you are aware survivors of trauma often attract many different psychiatric labels and conversely many within the psychiatric system have experienced various kinds of, often childhood trauma. The label is often used as way of silencing and avoiding histories of trauma.
Thirdly, and I say this with some trepidation but I feel much of the material on this thread would be better placed in a secure and private forum. I also would query whether some of the posts are in fact those of survivors. It is, I understand, very difficult to verify the identity of folks online but by way of avoiding people’s very real trauma being put on display for predatory people to read I feel I have to be honest and say I felt very uncomfortable that such intimate details are publicly displayed. It is not always a good idea to encourage such traumatic disclosure on a site that anyone has access to.
I sincerely hope my comments don’t cause distress but I’ve been trying to find a way to voice my feelings respectfully as I found the experience of reading the material disturbing. I feel it’s important to provide a safe space for full disclosure but this, in my experience, is often safer and more contained in a smaller and private correspondence with a trusting group of three or four folks.
This is interesting to read – I thought I was the only one who used to grind up against pillows, blankets, whatever was around. It was, by far, the fastest way to an orgasm for me. I started at a young age (6, maybe?). My grandmother walked in on me doing it one day, she told me to stop (she was embarassed, shocked), then walked out of the room laughing. I’ve always felt awful after – dirty, etc….but that goes hand in hand with my other life experiences.
Is it possible to have engaged in this type of behaviour and not have experienced sexual abuse? I would rub up against furniture, tables, arms of the sofa etc until I felt a release of tension. I am now in my 40s and still engage in this behaviour, especially when I am frustrated.
I can remember doing this as early as kindergarten.I remember being caught by teachers and my mom and being punished. Like Elsie it is the only way I can orgasm.
Hi, Leigh.
I don’t know a lot about compulsive frottage, only that it makes logical sense that someone who was sexually abused might feel drawn to it. I suspect there are many reasons for frottage by choice and that it is probably more common that people realize.
Compulsive frottage, on the other hand, sounds like a situation where a person is at war with him- or herself in fighting the compulsion. I am not an expert in this, so I am only making an educated guess — I would think that compulsive frottage is likely to have a trauma-based cause, but that does not necessarily mean sexual abuse.
I would appreciate input from readers who are more knowledgeable on the topic.
~ Faith