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Archive for February 12th, 2011

*** sexual abuse triggers ***

I had some disturbing flashbacks last night. (Are there any other kind?)

First, it was a dream.  A woman was badgering a stay-at-home mom in public, calling her a whore. I tried to offer encouragement to the woman and was charmed by her baby. I climbed into the passenger side of my mother/abuser’s van. The seat kept pushing me forward, and I knew someone evil was in the van with me. I wasn’t scared. I knew it was a dream and that I had to do this.

A very raw part of myself started screaming, “Why did you do this to me!?!! Why!?!! Why!?!! Why!?!!” Then, I was a girl in the process of being raped by a man. He was very rhythmic, taking his time as if I were an object and not a person. I was a vessel for his own gratification, not a little girl. I could feel his proportionately large body part inside of me, and my mind went a hundred different places in how I should be reacting to this.

Then, I pulled out of this and semi-woke up, but my mind kept going to strange places such as the size of my father’s genitalia in comparison to other men’s. My reaction in my sleep was that I really should not know that information about my own father. (I previously recovered a memory of my father being drugged at one of the cult meetings/child prostitution gatherings. He was blindfolded. I was forced to give him a hand job, and then he raped my sister. I don’t think he knew it was her or that it was a child, at least not before penetration.)

I am okay but flooded with anxiety right now. I am writing this out and posting it to give those memories a voice.

Before I went to sleep, I knew flashbacks were coming. I saw a plank of wood and started getting triggered about splinters. (Splinters are very triggering for me.) I couldn’t move past seeing the wood and told myself that was enough for tonight. I also felt the “tugging” I feel in my brain when a flashback is ready to come.

Photo credit: Lynda Bernhardt

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